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The Top Ten Warning Signs You Are Talking to an Online Catfisher-Part 4

Posted on July 21, 2016 by Melissa Killeen

 innocence-en-dangerHow can you protect yourself from a Catfisher or an online predator?

Why do they do what they do? Catfishers want something from you. These are people that are not motivated by love, but are driven by money, perverse sexual desires and criminal intent.

  • Money is usually the first thing predators want from adult contacts
  • They want to win you over and manipulate you, so you begin to desire them in a sexual way and that means you will begin to trust them
  • They will use your photographs and distribute them to other online predators, they will re-post the pictures online in sexual forums or just enjoy your photographs themselves, privately
  • They want to have conversations with you, texting or otherwise, in order to get sexually aroused during the conversation
  • Any of the above contacts will enable these predators to black-mail, extort or rape you

Scary Stats

There are some scary statistics on Catfishers or online predators.

  • An estimated 725,000 people are aggressively pursued online for sex or extortion annually in the US
  • In 2005 alone, 25% percent of rapists used online dating sites to find their victims
  • In 2011, the FBI Internet Crime Complaint Center lodged 5,600 complaints from victims of “romance scams” or “catfishers”
  • Reports say victims of these romance scams have lost over fifty million dollars—however authorities know this figure is much higher because many victims are too embarrassed to report the incidents
  • Every 2 minutes a person in America is sexually assaulted
  • 1 out of 4 children in the U.S. have been sent pictures of people who were naked or having sex by an online predator
  • Each year Internet predators commit over 16,000 abductions, over 100 murders, and thousands of rapes
  • Over 39,000 verified Registered Sex Offenders have profiles on social media sites
  • 1 out of 5 kids have been solicited for sex on the Internet
  • 1 out of 4 kids have been contacted online by a person not representing themselves in a true or accurate way
  • Only 25% of kids tell parents or adults about any online encounters
  • 77% of the time, the targets for online predators are usually in the 11-14 year-old-age range
  • 25% of children that were surveyed were exposed to unwanted pornographic material

Dating Safety Tips

Online dating often leads to offline dates, which may end up as a successful relationship. However, before you meet someone in person, take all the time you need to get well-acquainted with this person, so there is hopefully nothing to worry about when you meet face-to-face. Sexual assault on a date is definitely not an everyday occurrence, nonetheless, you need to ensure your personal safety when planning to meet someone for a first date. Take the time to really get to know a person and dangerous incidents are less likely to occur.

The predators need to be exposed, if you or anyone you know has been contacted by an online predator or has received unwanted solicitation from someone online, call the police and notify the social networking site on which the contact was made.

  • NEVER give out your personal information or home address online, even giving out the town you live in can reveal too much information to a predator
  • Don’t reply to social media messages from people you don’t know
  • NEVER meet face-to-face with someone you have just met online, give yourself and the contact at least 3 weeks to get to know each other before a face-to-face is planned
  • Never download image files from an unknown source, they could contain sexually explicit images that could put you in a compromising legal situation
  • Avoid chat rooms or discussion forums that are sexually proactive
  • If you receive uncomfortable or frightening material, end the communication, block the person from contacting you and report them to the dating site or the social networking site
  • If you receive an unwanted solicitation call 911, contact the dating site or the social networking site and report the perpetrator immediately

Sexual assault and date rape are definitely not common occurrences when meeting an online date. Read and follow the safety advice for first date meetings that have been outlined on your online dating site, so you are well-prepared. In addition, here are some of tips that will be useful too.

  • Always take the time to get well-acquainted with someone before you plan a meeting. Talking to this person online or on the phone for three weeks is a good amount of time to ensure this person is safe to meet
  • Bookend the date, which means you notify a friend where the date is, whom the date is with and when the date starts and then again, contact the same friend when you leave the date, to ensure you are home and are safe
  • Meet in a public place, like a restaurant, coffee shop, and drive your own car or know the public transportation schedule in order to leave to catch the last bus. At no time should this first date drive you home
  • While on the date, always be very aware of your surroundings. Keep an eye on your drink at all times. Date rape drugs are very easy to drop into any drink. Drinking coffee with a lid on the cup is probably your best defense against this kind of occurrence
  • Getting a girl drunk is a common ploy for a predator, so watch how much alcohol you drink. In fact, many online dating site guidelines do not recommend going to a bar or having a drink on the first date
  • Be cautious during your first few meetings with this person. Have the dates in open public places and stay away from dark and deserted situations
  • Never go to this person’s home or to a hotel until months into your dating experience

What do you do if you have been assaulted?

If you believe you may be a victim of sexual assault, the first thing you should do is immediately contact the police and report the crime, no matter how small you might think the crime is. It is common for victims to blame themselves in a case of assault, however you must always remember that this predator had absolutely no justification to attack you. It is also very important to protect your health, go to the hospital and request to have a sexual assault forensic exam, the staff will administer some tests that are compiled into what is sometimes known as a “rape kit.” These exams will preserve possible DNA evidence and you will receive important medical care. You don’t have to report the crime to have this exam, but the process gives you the chance to safely store evidence, should you decide to report the crime at a later time.

  • If you feel you cannot handle going to the hospital alone, try asking an understanding family member or friend to escort you to the hospital.
  • If necessary, you can also speak with a rape hotline operator, an experienced therapist or social worker who can help you deal with it. For more information, reference the local hotlines and services that are featured below
  • If you choose not to have a sexual assault forensic exam, it is also a good idea to to go to a clinic or to see a doctor who can test you for sexually transmitted diseases (STDs)
  • To find a location near you that performs sexual assault forensic exams, call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800-656-HOPE (656-4673) or talk to your local sexual assault service provider

Here are some National Resources for Victims of a Catfisher

General Information:

Internet Crime Complaint Center (IC3)                             https://www.ic3.gov/                                                                                                           A partnership between the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) and the National White Collar Crime Center (NW3C).

National Sexual Assault Hotline: National hotline, operated by RAINN, that serves people affected by sexual violence. It automatically routes the caller to their nearest sexual assault service provider. You can also search your local center here. Hotline: 800.656.HOPE (656-4673)

National Sexual Violence Resource Center: This site offers a wide variety of information relating to sexual violence including a large legal resource library.

National Organization for Victim Assistance: Founded in 1975, NOVA is the oldest national victim assistance organization of its type in the United States as the recognized leader in this noble cause.

National Online Resource Center on Violence Against Women: VAWnet, a project of the National Resource Center on Domestic Violence hosts a resource library home of thousands of materials on violence against women and related issues, with particular attention to its intersections with various forms of oppression.

U.S. Department of Justice: National Sex Offender Public Website: NSOPW is the only U.S. government Website that links public state, territorial, and tribal sex offender registries from one national search site.

The National Center for Victims of Crime: The mission of the National Center for Victims of Crime is to forge a national commitment to help victims of crime rebuild their lives. They are dedicated to serving individuals, families, and communities harmed by crime.

Child Abuse/Sexual Abuse:

National Child Abuse Hotline: They can provide local referrals for services. A centralized call center provides the caller with the option of talking to a counselor. They are also connected to a language line that can provide service in over 140 languages. Hotline: 800.4.A.CHILD (800-422-2253)

Darkness to Light: They provide crisis intervention and referral services to children or people affected by sexual abuse of children. Hotline calls are automatically routed to a local center. Helpline: 866.FOR.LIGHT (367.5444)

Cyber Tip Line: This Tipline is operated by the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children. Can be used to communicate information to the authorities about child pornography or child sex trafficking. Hotline: 800.THE.LOST (800-843-5678)

National Children’s Alliance: This organization represents the national network of Child Advocacy Centers (CAC). CACs are a multidisciplinary team of law enforcement, mental and physical health practitioners who investigate instances of child physical and sexual abuse. Their website explains the process and has a directory according to geographic location.

Stop It Now: Provides information to victims and parents/relatives/friends of child sexual abuse. The site also has resources for offender treatment as well as information on recognizing the signs of child sexual abuse. Hotline: 888-PREVENT (888-773-8368)

Justice for Children: Provides a full range of advocacy services for abused and neglected children.

Domestic, Dating and Intimate Partner Violence:

National Domestic Violence Hotline: Through this hotline an advocate can provide local direct service resources (safe-house shelters, transportation, casework assistance) and crisis intervention. Interpreter services available in 170 languages. They also partner with the Abused Deaf Women’s Advocacy Center to provide a videophone option. Hotline: 800-799-SAFE (800-799-7233)

National Teen Dating Abuse Online Helpline: This online helpline assists teens who are, or may be, in abusive relationships. Call 1-866-331-9474, chat at loveisrespect.org or text “loveis” to 22522, any time, 24/7/365

Americans Overseas Domestic Violence Crisis Center: The center serves abused Americans, mostly women and children, in both civilian and military populations overseas. In addition to providing domestic violence advocacy, safety planning and case management, the center assists victims with relocation, emergency funds for housing and childcare, and funds for payment of legal fees. International & Toll-Free 866-USWOMEN (866- 879-6636) (Available 24/7/365)

National Coalition against Domestic Violence: The national coalition of Domestic Violence organizations is dedicated to empowering victims and changing society to a zero tolerance policy. Call the Nat’l #DomesticViolence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (799-7233) if you or someone you love is a victim and needs help

Incest:

(See also resources on Child Abuse/ Sexual Abuse above)

Survivors of Incest Anonymous: They provide information on how to find incest survivor support groups in your area and empowers individuals to become survivors and thrivers.

GirlThrive: Girlthrive Inc. honors teen girls and young women who have survived incest and all sex abuse through thriverships, opportunity and education.

Stalking

Stalking Resource Center: The Stalking Resource Center is a program of the National Center for Victims of Crime. Their website provides statistics on stalking, information on safety planning and other resources.

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The Top Ten Warning Signs You Are Talking to an Online Catfisher, Scammer, Scalawag or Con

Posted on June 30, 2016 by Melissa Killeen

20150609_223702 (2)Are you talking to someone online? Do you trust them? Could they be a catfisher, a scammer, a scalawag or a con?

How Monica Draper, a 55-year-old, Ontario-based graphic designer lost $100,000 is not unheard of. How could she fall in love with a notorious, online Lothario, who had an outstanding warrant out for his arrest? Monica accepts that her money is gone. But she is still amazed that the fellow she met on the dating website, Plenty of Fish, was able to so easily abscond with her money, as well as the life savings of at least a half-dozen other women. The truth is she was “catfished.”

A catfisher is the new name coined to describe a bottom-dwelling human who spends a great deal of time on the Internet in various locations like online dating sites, LinkedIn and Facebook, luring people into romances and then stealing their money. A catfisher uses fake pictures, bogus profiles and cunning manipulation, drawing their victims into a state of trust through infatuation. Often the victim has low self-esteem and insecurity with their image and when a person online appears to be interested in them, bingo, a match is made! The victim falls hard for this Romeo, who they deem out of their league. In truth, the seducer is faking it. And is running this con on other people, as well. In short, a catfisher is a scammer. The prevalence of online dating predators grows more copious every day.

According to research, 4,288,595 people per month use Match.com, and visit the site a total of 26,200,000 times a month. The total Match.com membership is 15 million people. The total eHarmony membership is 20 million lonely hearts.

Comparing that to the total number of single people in the United States, which is 54 million, it is not possible that half the single U.S. population has membership in an online dating site! Especially when the trade journal, Online Dating Magazine, estimates that there are more than 2,500 online dating services in the U.S., alone, with 1,000 new online dating services opening every year. Some estimates say there are 8,000 competitors worldwide. That means many people join three or more dating sites.

On the free dating sites, at least 10 percent of new accounts are from scammers, says Marketdata Enterprise, Inc. Interested in catfishing, anyone?

Dinner for Six, a matchmaking service in Denver, Colorado, says that 51 percent of online dating members are putting themselves out there as being single, when, in fact, they are in some kind of relationship. According to MSNBC, research shows that 11 percent of people using online dating services are married.

More than 53 percent of Americans fabricate parts, or all of their dating profile details, according to the Huffington Post. Some lies are so blatant, like weight or height, that their dates can spot the untruths in the first few seconds of meeting them. In fact, a third of those surveyed said falsified information is so prevalent, that it prevents them from going on a second date.

More than 40 percent of men try to swoon women by lying about their jobs, trying to make their careers sound more prestigious. It makes sense that every woman wants a guy with a great job, for example a guy in the entertainment industry is more interesting than someone selling tickets at the local movie theater. eHarmony mentions that a study found men who reported incomes higher than $250,000 received 156 percent more email than those declaring an income of $50,000. That’s 156 percent more gold-diggers! So guys, think twice about whether you want to post your personal income.

In 2011, the FBI Internet Crime Complaint Center lodged 5,600 complaints from victims of “romance scams” or “catfishers.” The reporting victims lost over fifty million dollars. But it’s suspected that these numbers are much less than actual, as many people are too embarrassed to come forward.

In 2005 alone, 25 percent of rapists used online dating sites to find their victims. Let me repeat that: twenty-five percent of rapists used online dating sites to find their victims. Each year Internet predators commit more than 16,000 abductions, 100 murders and thousands of rapes, according to InternetPredatorStat.homestead.com.

I personally returned to online dating after ending a long-term relationship. With a profile depicting a self-supporting, intelligent woman, I was contacted by ten men, and nine of those contacts were scammers or catfishers. Nine out of ten! That is why I am writing this post — to make people aware of the dangers of online catfishers.

Next week I will outline some typical characteristics and warning signs of an online scammer and offer suggestions on how to protect yourself from catfishers.

 

 

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A Call for Clinical Humility in Addiction Treatment

Posted on May 26, 2016 by Melissa Killeen

by William White and Chris Budnick,  video featuring Chris Budnick

The history of addiction treatment includes a pervasive and cautionary thread: the potential to do great harm in the name of help.  The technical term for such injury, iatrogenesis (physician-caused or treatment-caused illness), spans a broad range of professional actions that with the best of intentions resulted in harm to individuals and families seeking assistance. My recounting of such insults within the history of addiction treatment (see endnotes 1, 2 and 3, below) also includes the observation that such harms are easy to identify retrospectively in earlier eras, but very difficult to see within one’s own era, within one’s own treatment program, and within one’s own clinical practices.

The challenges for each of us who work in this special service ministry and forwilliam_l_white_portrait_1 the specialized industry of addiction treatment include conducting a regular inventory of clinical and administrative policies and practices to identify areas of inadvertent harm, altering conditions linked to such harm, making amends for such injuries, and developing mechanisms to prevent such injuries in the future. In my own professional life, many of the projects in my later career were products of such an inventory and served as a form of amends for actions I took or failed to take in my early career due to lack of awareness or courage. (See endnote 4 and 5 for two vivid examples.)

There have also been times I have taken the larger field to task for practices I deemed harmful. I have suggested at times that what were perceived as personal failures to achieve lasting recovery could be more aptly characterized as system failures (endnote 6). I have suggested at times that the field was becoming addicted to professional power and money and that the field itself was in need of a recovery process that should include processes of rigorous self-inventory, public confession, and amends (endnote 7 and 8).

The shift from acute care models of addiction treatment to models of sustained recovery management (RM) and recovery-oriented systems of care (ROSC) involves dramatic changes in clinical practices, including a shift in the basic relationship between the service provider and service recipient. The service relationship within the RM/ROSC models shifts from one dominated and controlled by the professional expert to a sustained recovery support partnership, with the provider serving primarily as a consultant to the service recipient’s own recovery self-management efforts. Those who have made this relational shift inevitably look back on areas of potential harm that emerged from the expert relational model they once practiced. And then the question inevitably arises, “How does one make amends for past harm in the name of help within the context of addiction counseling?”

Chris Budnick, an addictions professional in North Carolina and founding Board Chair for Recovery Communities of North Carolina, Inc. (RCNC), recently responded to that question by preparing a formal letter of amends to the individuals, families, and communities he has served. Below is the text of that letter, which was presented at the North Carolina Recovery Advocacy Alliance Summit, February 24, 2016. (The link to the video is: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A5MYhZbnhfU

Chris-Budnick LCSW,LCAS,CC,MSWMy name is Chris Budnick and I am a Licensed Clinical Addiction Specialist. I first began working in the addiction treatment and recovery field in 1993. 

There are many components involved in the broad issue of substance use disorders and recovery. Employers, first responders, the criminal justice system, policy makers, politicians, companies, advertisers, treatment providers, addiction professionals, the recovery community, families, and the individual with the substance use disorder. Of all these components, individuals with substance use disorders face the greatest scrutiny, stigma, discrimination and blame. For too long they have stood alone bearing the full brunt of this responsibility while systems of care and policies impacting housing, education, and employment have largely conspired to undermine any chance of sustaining recovery.

Last week I found myself approaching a police department to apologize for failing them. When they reached out to us in the middle of the night seeking services for a young woman we told them “no.”  “We can’t help her tonight.”  She was killed within hours of this decision leaving behind a 2-year-old daughter.  I told the officer that we pledge to do better.

This experience has nudged me to put to paper ideas that I’ve articulated and ideas I’ve only contemplated. I feel compelled as an addiction professional to make amends and pledge to do better.

While I have changed my attitudes and practices over the years, I have not spoken up to say I’m sorry. So here are the things I want to make amends for:

  • I’m sorry for all the barriers you confront when trying to access help.
  • I’m sorry for contradictory “sobriety” and “active use” requirements you encounter when trying to access services.
  • I’m sorry for the harm that has come to you, your family, your unborn children, and your community when you have not been provided services on demand.
  • I apologize for expecting that you will provide all the motivation to initiate recovery when I have assumed no responsibility for enhancing your readiness for recovery.
  • I am sorry for creating unrealistic expectations of you.
  • I’m sorry for provider success statistics that have misled you and your family.
  • I’m sorry that I have discharged you from treatment for becoming symptomatic. I’m even more sorry, though, for abandoning you at your time of greatest vulnerability. And I am sorry for how this failure has contributed to the heartbreak of your loved ones.
  • I am sorry for abandoning you when you have left treatment, either successfully or unsuccessfully.
  • I am sorry for the irritation in my voice when you have returned following a set-back because you didn’t do everything that I told you to do.
  • I am sorry for my arrogance when I’ve assumed that I am the expert of your life.
  • I am sorry for privately finding satisfaction in your failure because it reinforces the fallacy that I know best and if you just do as I say, you’ll recover.
  • I am sorry for not celebrating as enthusiastically your successes when you have achieved them through a different pathway or style then me.
  • I am sorry for being a silent co-conspirator for the stigma that has resulted in systems of punishment and discriminatory policies and practices.
  • I’m sorry for turning you away from treatment because you’ve “been here too many times.”
  • I’m sorry for not referring you to different services when you have not responded to the services I offer.
  • I am sorry for allowing you to take the blame when treatment did not work instead of defending you because you received an inadequate dose and duration of care.
  • I am sorry for reaping the benefits of recovery yet failing to do everything I can to make sure those benefits are available to anyone, regardless of privilege, socio-economic status, education, employability, and criminal history.
  • I’m sorry for being an addiction professional who has not provided you with the recovery supports needed to sustain recovery. More importantly, I apologize for conspiring through silence and inaction with a system that ill prepares you to achieve success.
  • I’m sorry for not calling to check on you when you don’t show up for treatment. I’m sorry for not calling to support you after you leave treatment.
  • I’m sorry for letting society maintain the belief that you used again because you chose to.
  • I’m sorry for not fighting for adequate treatment and recovery support services. All persons with substance use disorders should be entitled to a minimum of five years of monitoring and recovery support services.
  • I’m sorry for not advocating for you to have opportunities to gain safe and supportive housing and non-exploitive employment.
  • I am sorry for being so self-centered that I only think about you in the context of treatment while failing to fully understand the environmental and social realities of your life and how they will impact your ability to initiate and sustain recovery.
  • I am deeply sorry to your loved ones who have been robbed of chances to have a healthy member of their family. I am deeply sorry to your community, who has been robbed of the gifts that your recovery could have brought them.
  • I’m sorry that systems of control and punishment has been the response to communities of color during drug epidemics.
  • I am sorry that through my silence and inaction that I have contributed to belief that persons with substance use disorders are criminals and should be punished.
  • I am sorry for not speaking as a Recovery Ally to families, friends, neighbors, colleagues, policy makers, and public officials about why I support recovery.
  • I’m sorry for all the things that I have left off this list because I’ve failed to regularly solicit your feedback about how effective I have been in supporting you in your recovery.

    This sorrow is the foundation of my commitment to improve the accessibility, affordability, and quality of addiction treatment and recovery support services and to create the community space in which long-term personal and family recovery can flourish.

                                      – Chris Budnick,  Licensed Clinical Addiction Specialist

This is a remarkable statement worthy of emulation. I look forward to the day when leaders prepare such a statement of amends to individuals, families, and communities on behalf of American addiction treatment institutions. I look forward to the day when clinical humility becomes a foundational ethic guiding the practice of addiction counseling.  WW

I honor and applaud Bill and Chris for bringing this message to clinical professionals across the nation. It is time to shed and change these old models that have not been working and embrace these new tenants that Bill, Chris and many others espouse.  Truly such client-centered treatment can change the course of recovery for many. MK

Endnotes:

This post was previously published on William White’s web site- www.williamwhitepapers.com on April 29, 2016. William White and Chris Budnick have authorized this reposting.

 

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