Category Archives: Sleep Deprivation

Recovery Coaches working with sex offenders

Legal Consequences Crisis Management Team -Recovery coaches working with sex offenders

It is 5:30 am and a band of FBI and local sheriff authorities pull up to a New Jersey suburban house in a development not far from Philadelphia. Adorning Kevlar vests, and windbreakers with the yellow letters FBI on their backs, they storm past a toy doll stroller in the sidewalk. They bang on the door with their fist, demanding “Open up this is the FBI”. After a few more wraps, a bleary eyed woman about 40 years old opens the door a crack and peers out. With a burst of energy, five FBI agents and two local police enter her foyer, issue her a search warrant and spew out demands, only one she actually hears, “Your husband is under arrest for child pornography…where are the laptops, tablets, cell phones and computers?”

Emily, (all the real names in this story will be withheld for privacy purposes) is dazed. She is in her bathrobe, and slippers, her hair is mussed, her eyeglasses crooked. She is barely awake. She glances at the stairs. She sees her two children at the top of the stairs, as a troop of agents make their way up to them. The agents ascend, as her girls descend. They are squeezing towards the wall making way for the army of six foot tall, 250 pound men barreling past them. They are asking “Mommy, what is happening?” A sheriff from the local police department asks where her husband is. She says he is at work; he works the midnight shift at a local hospital. The Sheriff gets on his walkie-talkie and bursts out some demands, checking on a similar event at her husband’s workplace.

It is 6:00 am, and Tom is just wrapping up from his shift as a nurse. His supervisor walks up to him with a force of blue windbreakers flanking him on either side. “Tom,” his supervisor says, “these gentlemen want to see you in my office”. As they turn to go to the office to FBI agents take Tom at the elbows and nearly lift him off his feet. He is escorted to the supervisor’s office, is placed in an arm chair and the door slams. Tom hears the words he has feared for the past two decades. “You are under arrest for the possession of, and the suspected distribution, copying, or advertising of images containing sexual depictions of minors.” For some strange reason, Tom is relieved. He thinks “It’s over, it is finally over.”

An unlikely band of brothers

It is Monday night, a steady stream of middle aged men drift into a hospital conference room, and take a seat. One of them opens a gym bag and starts to place books, pamphlets and tri-fold fliers on the table. A clear plastic envelope stuffed with one dollar bills is placed next to a thin loose-leaf binder. He sits down, opens the binder, checks the time on his cell phone and says, “Welcome to the Monday night meeting of Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, my name is Ken, and I am a sex and love addict.” The seemingly normal cohort of men reply, “Hi Ken”.

The Monday night meeting of Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous begins. The reading is on Step Three; made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood God. During the share a newcomer, Tom, tells his story about what brought him into the rooms tonight. He is not sure he can be helped. He knows he has been a porn addict for all of his adult life. He says he has just been found out and he has no idea what will happen next, to his life, to his marriage, to his kids. He was advised to go to a 12-step meeting for sex addiction and luckily, he saw this meeting listed when he searched online.

The members of this unlikely band of brothers looks at Tom. His head is down. His focus is on the ravaged cuticles of his right thumb. As he raises his thumb to his mouth, a tear rolls down his cheek. They know how he feels. Each one of them have felt this same despair. Joe raises his hand to share. Joe is almost 45, yet one would think he is no older than 35. His Goorin Brothers Slayer cap is on backwards, his flannel plaid shirt is unbuttoned revealing an LA Dodgers vintage t-shirt. Appropriately ripped skinny jeans end in a pair of Vans slip-ons. He gets current, talking about his therapist, his groups and what the third step means to him. Then he looks directly at Tom. “I know there is no cross talk in this meeting, so let me just say this, Tom, can we talk after the meeting?”

Joe knows what has happened to Tom. Tom need not even say the word ‘legal’ for the subliminal message to be delivered. Joe knows because it happened to him, less than two years ago. The Cop Knock. The end of life as he knew it. The opening up of a new world. A new life without any more hiding. Relief.

The start of a new life

Joe and Tom walk to the hospital café and Joe buys Tom a soda and a sandwich. It is the first thing Tom has eaten in two days. The café is empty, they find a corner table and sit down. After just a few minutes, Tom’s experience from the last week is told. Joe’s head was nodding the whole time, but he lets Tom talk.

Before an hour was up, Joe had given Tom the names of three men, Michael, Steve and Jay. Also, the phone number of an attorney and of a therapist that specialized in treating sex offenders. As they walked out of the hospital, Joe said the first call should be to Michael. Michael will coordinate everything. And Joe was right, Michael coordinated everything.

Michael answers the phone at 9:30pm, and Tom was on the other line. Michael was already informed by Joe, just minutes before. By 10:00, Michael had assembled the Legal Consequences Crisis Management Team on a conference call and briefed us all. The attorney appointment will be made by the client, Tom. The therapist introduction will be on the phone, and the first group therapy meeting is tomorrow and Joe will bring Tom. Michael will coordinate the lawyer and therapist calls and speak to his parents. Jay and Steve will call Tom daily, for support. I am assigned to work with the wife. All of these recovery coaching services will be free to Tom.

Doing service to give back what we have freely received

Every one of us responds to this call. It initiates a recruitment effort that rivals the Avenger’s response to Ultron’s threat to eradicate humanity. This Legal Consequences Crisis Management Team is committed to respond to any sexual addiction crisis- the family affected by a patriarch’s incest, the individual devastated by sexual trauma, or the man that has heard the “Cop Knock”. We know they feel alone, whether they have been abandoned by their family, abused by loved ones or in this case, arrested for an illegal act. Tom needs this “Avengers” team to help him, because this is territory he is not familiar with. However, this team is very familiar with it; the family dynamics, the law, the courtroom, treatment and therapy, prison and the re-entry process. They have walked this path, and emerged on the other side, as healthier and better people for the experience. So, we are there for Tom, in order to keep our own sobriety, we are doing service to give back what we have freely received.

This band of Recovery Coaches comes to the aid of individuals dealing with the crisis of legal consequences of their sex addiction in the New Jersey, Delaware and Southeastern Pennsylvania region.










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Getting through the tough times

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As a recovery coach, I often see my clients need some help getting through the tough times, without using drugs, picking up a drink or acting out. Recently, I personally encountered some rough patches in my own life, so I went to my library of recovery books. Reading books on recovery is an import tool I use regularly in my practice. Several years ago, I was curious about Buddhist recovery, so I became an avid reader of the books by Pema Chodron.

Pema Chodron Celebrates 80 Years

Pema Chodron, is a Buddhist nun, she was born in 1936, in New York City, and is celebrating her 80th year. After a divorce, in her mid-thirties, Pema traveled to the French Alps and encountered Buddhist teacher Lama Chime Rinpoche, and she studied with him for several years. She became a novice Buddhist nun in 1974. Pema moved to rural Cape Breton, Nova Scotia in 1984, ­­­to be the director of Gampo Abbey and worked to establish a place to teach the Buddhist monastic traditions (waking before sunrise, chanting scriptures, daily chores, communal meals and providing blessings for the laity). In Nova Scotia and through the Chodron Foundation, she works with others, sharing her ideas and teachings. She has written several books, and in my time of deep spiritual need, I went to her book “When Things Fall Apart”.

Drawn from traditional Buddhist wisdom, Pema’s radical and compassionate advice for what to do when things fall apart in our lives helped me. There is not only one approach to suffering that is of lasting benefit, Pema teaches several approaches that involve moving toward the painful situation and relaxing us to realize the essential groundlessness of our situation. It is in this book, I discovered a simple breathing exercise I can use during these chaotic times so I can move into a better space. Pema advocates this tool as a breathing exercise, although this exercise could also be considered a mindful meditation.

I use Chodron’s tool whenever and wherever life hits me below the belt. I share this tool with my clients. It is all about breathing and consciously repeating words to yourself to accompany the breathing. Since we breathe every day, it is indiscernible whether you are using this tool as you travel on the bus commuting home from work, in a conference room with your boss, or when you are feeling low and want to curl up in a ball and die.


Pema explains in her book, when things get way too complicated; step back and breathe. When the force of the world, the politics of the U.S., Great Britain or Italy start weighing heavily on your mind, breathe. When you look at all the pain around you and feel powerless to do anything, breathe.

Pema explains, inhale and say silently to yourself breathe in the pain, then exhale and say breathe out relief. Then, inhale, and say silently to yourself breathe in the relief, and exhale and say breathe out the pain. I find I need about 15 minutes of conscious breathing in this way. After doing this, I find I have new energy or something else crosses my path to move me into a different space.

If I continue to be in that negative space of worry or feeling powerless, then absolutely nothing will be accomplished that day. I know we all have something to accomplish every day, whether it is just getting out of bed, taking a shower and brushing our teeth or running a Fortune 500 company, this exercise gets us from zero to ten in fifteen minutes. Chodron’s exercise moves me to the space I need to be in, so I can function. It is what I need.

So, I invite you to try this simple exercise…and remember…keep breathing.

Posted in Addiction, Addiction Recovery Posts, alcohol, Alcoholism, body image, Drug Abuse, Family Dynamics, Gambling, Health, internet addiction disorder, love addiction, mental health, Opioid addiction, Parents, Pornography, pornography addiction, Relapse, relationships, Research, Sex Addiction, Sleep Deprivation, Sleep Loss, Sponsor, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Comments Off on Getting through the tough times

How can you heal the trauma within?

Melissa Killeen

Melissa Killeen

Trauma changes you. You might not necessarily like that change. How can you heal the trauma within? You have the ability to transform yourself into a healthier person. You have enormous healing potential; the goal is learning to access it—and then to use that potential to heal the trauma, release the addiction(s), and obtain a glorious new life.

Without your consent, trauma can change you, often into a person you’d rather not be.                                                                           -Michele Rosenthal

Working through trauma can be scary, painful, and sometimes retraumatizing. Because of the risk of retraumatization, this healing work is best done with the help of an experienced trauma specialist. The clinical term for a therapist that has experience in treating trauma  is a trauma informed therapist. The therapist will be able to answer questions over the phone as to his/her experience in trauma-informed care. You want to ask if they are experienced in EMDR, Light Entrainment or Somatic Experiencing.

Treatment for Trauma

When a trauma memory is triggered, your nervous system gets stuck in overdrive. Successful trauma treatment revisits these traumatic memories, and allows you to observe the trauma and your “fight-flight-freeze” response. The therapist will establish a sense of safety and help you resolve the past traumas. The following therapies are commonly used in the treatment of PTSD, emotional and psychological trauma:

    • Somatic Experiencing:  Somatic processing of trauma takes advantage of the body’s unique ability to heal itself. The focus of therapy is on bodily sensations or movements (like excessive leg movement, wringing of the hands or profuse perspiration) rather than thoughts and memories about the traumatic event. By concentrating on what’s happening in your body, you gradually get in touch with trauma-related energy and tension. The therapist will encourage you to safely release this pent-up energy through shaking, crying, and other forms of physical release.
    • EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing): This practice incorporates two paddles that when held in your hands vibrate, and a headset that sends a low tone alternating between one ear and the other ear. The tones and the vibration of the paddles distract the conscience mind, allowing for the unconscious or sub-conscience memories to arise. The therapist and you explore these memories and discuss them in an attempt to resolve the feelings around the trauma.
    • CLEAR Therapy (Colored Light Entrainment and Re-patterning) Clear Therapy is a method of releasing unresolved core emotional issues using colored light. When a flashing light is emitted into the eyes, the brain adopts the rhythm of the strobe. In the initial intake session, you look at eleven different colors of flashing light and the therapist is able to pinpoint issues based on what you see in each color. In the following sessions, the feedback from your perception of the colors enables the therapist to uncover core beliefs that drive your thinking, feelings or behavior. CLEAR is coordinated with eye movement (see EMDR), breath work and meridian-based therapies (see EFT) to facilitate rapid resolution of the problem.
    • LST (Light Stimulation Therapy) LST enhances learning abilities and performance by stimulating the eye and brain with light. A LST session has you sitting comfortably in a darkened room, looking at a waveband of colored light, which is focused directly on your eyes. It is advised to have three to five sessions per week until a total of 20 sessions is completed. At the end of the 20 sessions there is a reevaluation to determine the necessity of further treatment.
    • The Brain and Brainwave Entrainment-The DAVID Device: The senses of sight and hearing, by their very nature, provide a favorable environment for affecting brainwaves. By presenting pulsed audio and visual stimulation to the brain, the brain begins to vibrate at the same frequency as the pulsed audio from the DAVID Device. The device sends flashes of lights into a pair of glasses, and pulsed tones through a pair of headphones to gently guide the brain into altered states of consciousness.
    • The Green Wave Therapy: The Green Wave Therapy is a technique that combines green laser light, micro-current energy, and some of the principles of EMDR and EFT (see below). You rest on a massage table, and a micro-current device focuses on the region between your eyebrows. You hold the EMDR paddles in your hands as they pulse rhythmically. You also wear a headset that delivers audio tones in unison with the paddle’s vibrations. The practitioner stands back about four to five feet and encircles the entire body with green laser light. With every one- to two-minute pass, the clinician checks the level of distress you are experiencing while thinking about the trauma.
    • Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT): Based on impressive new discoveries involving the body’s energies, EFT has been reported to be 80% clinically effective in relieving trauma. The EFT procedure involves tapping with the fingers on points on the body that are associated with acupuncture pressure points. While performing the tapping sequence, distressful thoughts and/or events are targeted and healing statements are repeated out loud. EFT often works where nothing else will. It is rapid, long-lasting and gentle. No drugs or equipment are involved. It is easily learned by anyone in less than an hour. EFT techniques can be taught and be self-administered.

Trauma Recovery Tips

Recovering from emotional and psychological trauma takes time. Give yourself time to heal and to mourn the losses you’ve experienced. During your trauma therapy there are some self-help strategies to keep you healthy and continue the healing between your therapeutic sessions:

           1: Don’t isolate

           2: Stay grounded

           3: Take care of your health

Don’t try to force the healing process. Be patient with your pace of recovery. Finally, be prepared for difficult and volatile emotions. Allow yourself to feel whatever you’re feeling without judgment or guilt.

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Posted in Addiction, Addiction Recovery Posts, alcohol, Alcoholism, Coach Credentialing, Drug Abuse, Family Dynamics, Gambling, Health, love addiction, mental health, Pornography, Recovery Coaching, Relapse, Sex Addiction, Sleep Deprivation, Sleep Loss, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Comments Off on How can you heal the trauma within?