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How can I recover from sex and pornography addiction?

Give yourself time to heal

To recover from sex and pornography addiction, Dr Linda Hatch in her blog, states that one must be diligent and motivated. Recovery from sex addiction takes about 3 to 5 years.  Going along with the accepted recovery model used in alcoholism or drug addiction, many believe that sex addiction is a chronic disease requiring diligent treatment for life to prevent relapse. Hatch doesn’t think this is always the case in healing from a pornography addiction. She believes Internet porn addiction may be an exception to this 5 year, life long recovery model.

There are other clinical studies that suggest that pornography addiction is an Internet addiction.  Gary Wilson writes the majority of pornography addicts, even with severe symptoms like porn-induced erectile dysfunction, can recover in a matter of two to four months. The first phase of either sex and pornography addiction recovery is restricting computer or internet access and not using that smart phone to access your acting out partners. Yes, even sex addicts use the computer, internet and cell phones to act out, so the restriction is implemented for them as well.

Robert Weiss author of A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, and co-author with Dr. Jennifer Schneider of Untangling the Web: Sex, Porn, and Fantasy Obsession in the Internet Age suggest that addicted users are unable to implement lasting behavior change without the admission that they have a sex or pornography addiction and that the addiction is causing unmanageability in their lives. He suggests admitting this to yourself, to another human being, coupled with a combination of addiction-focused individual and/or group therapy and ongoing attendance at a 12-step (or some other addiction support group) will be the next steps on the road to recovery.

Get as much information as you can

In addition to turning off the computer, Weiss’s advice for addicts, is to educate themselves about what sex or pornography addiction is and how to overcome it. Learn how to be accountable, like handing the computer password over to your wife. Find a friend or sponsor in an addiction support group like SLAA, SA, SCA or SAA, developing an active and empathetic support network is a necessity for long-term sobriety and a healthier, happier life. You can ask your HR department for information on the Employee Assistance Program which can help you with therapeutic treatment. Without this knowledge and outside assistance, addicts have little chance of keeping their goal of sobriety in this addiction.

Fill your bedside table with recovery books. Authors like Weiss, and Hatch are joined by numerous others like Paldrom Collins, a former Buddhist nun and sex addiction counselor, and her husband, George Collins, M.A., a former sex addict and practicing sex addiction counselor for over 20 years. They wrote: A Couple’s Guide to Sexual Addiction: A Step-by-Step Plan to Rebuild Trust and Restore Intimacy. They present a refreshing new approach for couples struggling with the issue of excessive pornography, compulsive masturbation, frequenting prostitutes or strip clubs, serial affairs, and other acting out behaviors. In his book, Breaking the Cycle: Free Yourself from Sex Addiction, Porn Obsession, and Shame, George Collins shares the techniques he has developed in his practice over the last 20 years that have helped hundreds successfully learn how to confront the negative energy that fuels sex and porn addiction.

Understanding that there are several approaches to recovery for sex and pornography addiction, many therapists and clinicians follow the model developed by Patrick Carnes, author and the former director of Pine Grove Behavioral Health (which treated a well-known golfer) and is currently a senior fellow at the Meadows in Arizona (which treated a well-known X-television star). In a study of recovering sex addicts reported in 2000, Dr. Patrick Carnes identified that during the first year in recovery there was no measurable improvement in areas such as coping with stress, self-image, financial situations, friendships, career status and spirituality, even though the addicts reported that they felt that their life was “definitely better.” The first year of recovery is very tough to cope with, so outside assistance is necessary. During the second and third years of recovery, including a period of sexual celibacy, there begins to be improvement in the areas having to do with functioning at work, communication at home and having a better emotional connection with others. These improvements then continue into the later years of recovery.

Carnes reported in the third year and thereafter, greater healing occurred in the addicts’ relationships with their partner and with their extended family/children. During the fourth and fifth years the addict discovered how to “do” non-sexual intimacy as well as engaging in healthy sexuality. Overall these recovery years are about how to achieve higher self-esteem and more life satisfaction.

Coping with withdrawal

Recovery from sex and pornography addiction is like kicking a drug, or booze. Sex and pornography addicts will go through a withdrawal process. Withdrawal symptoms can be acute, and last a few months. But most addicts develop healthier behaviors during this withdrawal period. This period of withdrawal is usually characterized by:

• Cravings

• Strange sexual dreams and fantasies

• Peculiar physical symptoms

• Restlessness and mood changes

Sex or porn addiction is more than having gotten hooked on a dopamine rush. For most sex and porn addicts, the addictive behavior is entwined in a whole adaptation to life based on self-taught ways of coping with inadequacy and insecurity. Without deeper change, the addict is still at risk for relapse into the old addiction or substitution of a new one.

Accept change, follow the guidelines of recovery

It has long been accepted that the root of a sex or pornography addiction is based on a set of negative core beliefs, such as “I am not good enough”, “no one could love me as I am”, “if I have to depend on someone else to meet my needs they will never get met” and “sex is my most important need”.

These beliefs lead not only to a secret sexual life in which the addict seeks to meet his or her needs, but also leads to a slew of negative consequences that we have discussed in a previous blog. But now it is time to shed the former destructive beliefs and seek recovery. Patrick Carnes outlines his work from a 1980’s study on how recovery can work for a sex or porn addict:

First Two Years

The Developing Stage

    • Admit you have a problem and want to change
    • Seek therapy with a Certified Sex Addiction Counselor (CSAT)
    • Attend a 12-step group
    • Stop acting out (either with porn or other sexually compulsive behaviors)
    • Develop knowledge about this addiction
    • Take appropriate tests for HIV/Aids and STD’s
    • If you slip, or stop going to therapists or meetings, go back

Overcoming the Crisis Stage or Decision Making Stage

    • Coming clean about your addiction to others
    • Realizing that in the face of a crisis (an arrest, a spouse’s discovery, or losing your job) you have to do something and cannot continue doing what you were doing

The Shock Stage

    • Experiencing deep loss, feelings of separation, disbelief or numbness
    • Experiencing withdrawal, also the inability to focus, disorientation, and ambivalence
    • Overcoming the feelings of hopelessness and despair
    • Anger over having a therapist or family member set their limits or handing over the addicts’ decision making power
    • Relief that the double life is finally over

The Grief Stage

    • Grieving over the loss of a job, a spouse, legal involvement and/or the separation from their family
    • Grieving over the loss of the addiction, which was used like a friend, confidant, comforter or emotional high
    • Recognition that they were abused or neglected at some time in their life
    • Grieving over the exposure of early traumas in the addict’s life, such as early sexual trauma, parental neglect or abuse
    • Grieving over the loss of the image of the person that abused them, and acceptance that that person was an abuser, not a friend, mentor, parent or family member

The Repair Stage

    • Moving from pain and loss to forgiveness, repair, restructuring and emergence into a new life
    • Changing long held belief systems
    • Instituting new healthy belief systems
    • Taking responsibility for your actions
    • Deepening new stronger bonds with others, developing empathy and intimacy
    • Making an effort to follow instructions, complete assignments, and responding to requests. Beginning to show up on time for appointments, and/or accepting they may be wrong and promptly admitting it, are hallmarks for acceptance of this stage of repair.

Growth Stage (after two years)

  • Achieve balance
  • Develop a greater sense of self, and non-sexual forms of self-satisfaction
  • Be available to friends, family, partners and business colleagues
  • Have compassion for themselves and others
  • Develop trust in all areas of your life

Carnes said that in addition to accomplishing the above goals, he cited a number of additional factors that stood out as being important parts of the recovery process and should be considered during the five years of recovery:

  • Inpatient or residential treatment experience
  • Group treatment experience, intensive outpatient and outpatient services
  • Long-term individual therapy with a certified sex addiction counselor
  • Participation in 12-step programs
  • An active and knowledgeable sponsor
  • An ongoing spiritual life
  • The support of friends
  • A period of celibacy
  • Regular exercise, medical checkups and balanced nutrition

 

In many ways, the field of sex and pornography addiction treatment lags behind the professional and general population’s awareness of other addictions like alcoholism, drug abuse or even gambling. Resources available to treat compulsive sexual behavior have increased dramatically in the last decade. Physicians and therapists who are new to this type of patient need to be educated. It is slow process for both the health professionals and the people affected with this addiction to learn about recovery from this addiction.

 

Here are some organizations that can help

  • SASH

http://www.sash.net/

  •  Annual International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals (IITAP)

http://www.iitap.com/

  •  The National Council on Sexual Addiction and Compulsion (NCSAC)

www.NCSAC.org

  •  American Foundation for Addiction Research (AFAR)

www.AddictionResearch.com

  •  Sexaholics Anonymous (SA)

(615) 331-6230;

www.SA.org

  •  Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA)

www.SLAAFWS.org

  •  Recovering Couples Anonymous (RCA)

(314) 397-0867

www.Recovering-Couples.org

  •  Co SLAA (for spouses/partners of sex addicts)

http://coslaa.org/

  •  Sex Addicts Anonymous

https://saa-recovery.org/

  • Sexual Compulsives Anonymous

http://www.sca-recovery.org/

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 Resources used in this blog:

Patrick Carnes, PhD, (2000) Sexual Addiction and Compulsion: Recognition, Treatment & Recovery, CNS Spectrums 2000; 5(10): 63-72, accessed at: http://www.recoveryonpurpose.com/upload/article_sexualaddictionandcompulsion_pcarnes.pdf

Patrick J. Carnes Ph.D., David L. Delmonico Ph.D., Elizabeth Griffin M.A., (2007) In the Shadows of the Net: Breaking Free of Compulsive Online Sexual Behavior, Hazelden, Center City, Minnesota

Robert Weiss, LCSW, (2013), A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, Elements Behavioral Health, Los Angeles, CA

Robert Weiss and co-author Dr. Jennifer Schneider, Untangling the Web: Sex, Porn, and Fantasy Obsession in the Internet Age (2006), Alyson Books, New York, NY

Gary Wilson, blogger at: http://yourbrainonporn.com/porn-addiction-not-sex-addiction-and-why-it-matters

Paldrom Collins, and George N. Collins (2011) A Couple’s Guide to Sexual Addiction: A Step-by-Step Plan to Rebuild Trust and Restore Intimacy. Adams Media, Avon, Massachusetts

George Collins MA , Andrew Adleman MA (2010) Breaking the Cycle: Free Yourself from Sex Addiction, Porn Obsession, and Shame, New Harbinger Publications, Oakland California,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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What is Porn Addiction?

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Melissa Killeen

How bad is pornography use?

“It is as though we have devised a form of heroin . . . usable in the privacy of one’s own home and injected directly to the brain through the eyes.”

—Dr. Jeffrey Satinover, Princeton University

In 2006, the global pornography industry was valued at more than 97 billion dollars, more than the revenue of Microsoft, Google, Amazon, eBay, Yahoo, Apple, and Netflix, combined. This is not an inconsequential phenomenon, yet there is a tendency to trivialize the ravages of porn. The sex industry has successfully characterized pornography as a First Amendment right. If pornography addiction is viewed objectively, evidence indicates that it does indeed cause harm to people, their families and their communities. Here are some statistics on the enormity of the pornographic industry:

    • $3,075.64 is spent on pornography every second
    • 28,258 people are viewing pornography every second
    • 372 people are typing adult search terms every second
    • 68 million daily pornographic keyword search engine requests,  which is 25% of all search engine requests.

China, South Korea and Japan are the largest consumers of pornographic material. The Chinese porn industry is roughly $28 billion. This amount can feed 62 % of the world’s hungry. The United States comes up fourth in global pornographic consumption, but is the largest producer of pornographic material. Every 39 minutes a new pornographic video is produced in the United States.

25 % of the pornography viewers in the United States make between $50,000 and $75,000 per year, which means they are engineers, technicians, directors, clergy, doctors, lawyers — educated and upstanding members of any community. Here are some very, scary statistics on illegal pornography use in the United States:

    • 116,000 daily requests for child pornography
    • 100,000 websites offer illegal child pornography
    • 11 is the average age of a child’s first exposure to porn
    • 1 in 7 youths have received sexual solicitation from the Internet; that translates to three kids in your child’s classroom have been approached online

On the surface, heroin and porn don’t seem to have a lot in common. One is purchased in seedy alleyways; the other is free to download. One habit can get expensive pretty fast, while the other is about the price of a high-speed Internet connection. As a recovery coach, I know the painful consequences of either addiction. However today, pornography addiction is an unrecognized epidemic.

Next week, in part 2 of What is porn addiction?, I will explain the scientific reasons proving why pornography is so addictive.

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What is Love Addiction?

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Melissa Killeen

When hearing the word “addiction,” most of us tend to think of alcoholism and substance abuse, as opposed to addictive behaviors like eating, spending, gambling, video gaming, sex and love. Nevertheless, people can and do become addicted to highly pleasurable, self-soothing behaviors just as they can become addicted to pleasurable, self-soothing substances – both have the same problematic results.

Individuals may turn to alcohol, prescription medications or illegal substances as a way to self-medicate or to numb out in order to avoid stress and/or emotional discomfort. These same individuals may also turn to an intensely pleasurable pattern of behavior as readily as turning to a substance. Let’s say it is like selecting to watch a X rated movie instead of drinking a glass of vodka.

Love addiction is a human behavior that is indeed a highly pleasurable, self-soothing behavior, a behavior through which some people have become addicted to the feeling of being in love. Love addicts can take on many different behaviors. Love addicts will spend much time and effort on a person to whom they are addicted. Love addicts value this person above themselves, and their focus on the beloved person can be described as obsessive.

This behavior results in love addicts neglecting to care for themselves. They instead, say, attend rock concerts of a beloved musician who does not know the love addict even exists, recreating an image of not who that loved person is, but perhaps a re-creation of a parent figure. Love addicts will select to stop seeing their friends in exchange for staying with the beloved person, only. Love addicts may lose weight, change their hair color or purchase a new wardrobe to suit the beloved. In essence, abandoning important aspects of their lives and well-being in order to stay connected to the object of their affection. Some love addicts find that when not involved in a love-addicted relationship they are able to care for themselves quite adequately, visit with friends and enjoy independence. However, when they become involved, the love addict quickly finds that their self-care capacity steadily declines. Love addiction is common, for men as well as women, however, most love addicts do not realize they are addicted to love.

The simple truth is that addictive behaviors trigger the same basic neurochemical response as drugs. Behavioral addictions create mood-related neurochemicals like dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin, resulting in feelings of pleasure, anticipation and distraction. This intense neurochemical response to addictive behaviors provides temporary escape and relief. Over time, some individuals learn that the easiest way to avoid feelings of stress and emotional discomfort is to engage in a highly pleasurable and potentially addictive behavior. Eventually they start to use those behaviors not to feel better, but to feel less or to numb out. This is a sure sign of addiction. So the only significant difference between substance and behavioral addictions is that substance addicts ingest alcohol or drugs to create a neurochemical reaction, while behavioral addicts create their own dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, and other mood-related neurochemicals to enjoy their own intensely pleasurable fantasy or activity – no substance necessary. Love addicts are addicted to dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin and can create these chemicals naturally in their body – with no need to leave home!

Could I be a love addict?

Adult love addicts usually recognize that when they were children, their most precious needs for validation, love and connection were not met by one or both of their parents. People can become love addicts due to a past history of abandonment from their primary caregivers or people close to them. To further confuse matters, a love addict may display love-addictive behavior toward a parent, their children, siblings, or friends, commonly referred to as enmeshment, which is not always related to romantic love or sexual interactions.

These addictive experiences result in low self-esteem, a conscious fear of abandonment and a subconscious fear of intimacy. To a love addict, intensity in a relationship is often mistaken for intimacy and love. Some symptoms of love addiction include love at first sight, excessive fantasizing about a romantic partner, and abnormal jealousy. Love addicts may find themselves living with a partner who is emotionally unavailable, abusive or dishonest. Many times a love addict will engage in sex with a potential partner, hoping that individual will love them.

Many sex addicts cannot see the role love addiction plays in their compulsive behavior. The fusion of sex addiction and love addiction is separated after years of therapeutic treatment for sex addiction, and the addict has begun to resolve the reasons for his or her compulsive sexual behaviors. This does not happen immediately, as it may take five to ten years to enter the maintenance stage of recovery from sex addiction. Many people give up on such a long duration of clinical support, and thus love and relationship addiction remains a hidden epidemic.

Dr. Susan Campbell, author of nine books on relationships and conflict resolution has written the Love Addiction Quiz. If you answer “yes” to more than two of these questions, you should take a serious look at learning more about love addiction and its treatment.

  1. Are you in a break up and then make up cycle with a romantic partner?
  2. Do you often think to yourself that this person is not good for you?
  3. Do any of your close friends tell you that this person is not good for you?
  4. After you two have been apart for a few days, do you get to a point where you feel empty or lost without this person?
  5. During the days immediately following a breakup with this person, do you experience difficulty sleeping, eating, or carrying out other self-care activities?
  6. Do you need emotional intensity in order to feel alive?
  7. Do you feel “high” when the two of you re-connect after a fight or a falling out?

As with any addiction, recovery from love addiction is a process of self-discovery. It requires taking specific steps: breaking through denial and acknowledging the addiction; owning the harmful consequences of the addiction; and intervening to stop the addictive cycle from occurring. The first step should be learning more about love addiction. Here are some excellent books on the topic:

The next step is to find a 12-step support group in your area. Susan Peabody, therapist, and author of Addiction to Love, started the 12-step program Love Addicts Anonymous. Additionally, another 12-step meeting for love addiction is Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA).

Like drug addicts, love addicts experience withdrawal symptoms. Sadness, depression, excessive sleepiness, or suicidal thoughts are part of this withdrawal process. Working with a therapist can be the most important step to help guide the love addict through the process of recovery. Guiding a person through childhood experiences of abandonment, navigating through the feelings of pain, fear, anger and emptiness requires a skilled therapist trained in love and sex addiction.

Next week, our blog post is about pornography addiction.


Resources used in this blog:

Robert Weiss LCSW, CSAT-S (12.2.14) Understanding Process (Behavioral) Addictions, Counselor Magazine for Addiction Professionalshttp://blog.counselormagazine.com/2014/12/understanding-process-behavioral-addictions/

Dr. Susan Campbell (3.13.13) A Few Telltale Signs of Love Addiction, Psych Central,http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/03/13/a-few-telltale-signs-of-love-addiction/

Alexandra Katehakis, MFT, CST, CSAT,(5.26.13) What is Love Addiction? Psych Central, http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/05/26/what-is-love-addiction/

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