Tag Archives: love addiction

The Dance of Love—What is a Love Addict?

Posted on February 11, 2016 by Melissa Killeen

What are the characteristics of a love addict?

Scratch the surface of a sex addict and you will find a love addict. Scratch the surface of a love addict and you will find a love avoidant. This is a perplexing situation for most of the individuals who are facing these complex behavioral addictions.

Love addiction or love avoidance is often an underlying addiction in many relationships. But it is hard to discern the dance of a love addict and a love avoidant when you are on the dance floor with one. It helps to look at the definitions of each behavior.

What is love addiction?

“Love addiction is defined as a coping mechanism whereby an individual is obsessed with a fantasy he/she has created about another person, believing he/she is ‘loving’ the other but in fact objectifying the other person through the use of the fantasy.”

-Pia Mellody

Love addiction is usually created in childhood when a parent or major caregiver is incapable of displaying love or forming an attachment with their child, such as a parent who stands behind an emotional brick wall, perhaps is abusing drugs or alcohol, or is an overachiever in the workplace or in society. As it’s psychologically impossible for the child to believe that it’s the parent’s issue, the child has no choice but to take on the blame themselves and begins feeling “less than.”

In adulthood, the love-addicted person believes that if nobody takes care of them, they will be abandoned, and unable to survive. As a result, the love addict has very few personal boundaries, becoming needy and creating drama (intensity) in a relationship, in order to draw attention to themselves, to be noticed and therefore “kept alive.”

Love addicts live in a world of desperate need and emotional despair. Fearful of being alone or rejected, love addicts endlessly search for that special someone – a White Knight or Princess Leia, the person who will make them feel safe. Ironically, love addicts have overlooked numerous opportunities to experience the true intimacy they think they want. Passing by many a good man or woman, because the love addict thinks they are boring. Mainly because a love addict is more strongly attracted to the intense experience of “falling in love” than they are to the peaceful intimacy of a healthy relationship. As such, they spend much of their time hunting for “the one.” They base nearly all of their life choices on the desire and search for this perfect relationship – the person with an Ivy League degree, or the interesting job, the guy with the perfect wardrobe or the woman with a perfect body. The love addict will play the chameleon, engaging in hobbies that may not interest them or portraying themselves falsely in conversations and social interactions, in order to attract their mate. But what is a love avoidant? In next week’s post, I will explore the love avoidant characteristics.

You are all mine – I am a love addict

Posted on July 30, 2015 by Melissa Killeen

Melissa Killeen

“You are all mine.”

“I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”

“In a few months I will be back and we will meet.”

I talk like this all of the time. With every woman I meet. And with every woman I meet, I fall in love. I fall in love with the fantasy I make up in my head about them . . . and me. I love this energy: meeting women, falling in love, and finding the “one.” This energy happens with every woman I meet, and I meet about five of them a month. Sometimes more.

I meet them online. I meet them on Facebook or LinkedIn, not dating sites. Eventually we talk on the phone. This is where my master skills of seduction come in, because I coerce women to give me money. I am a scam artist. But really, I am a love addict.

My name is Phil. I was born in Germany, my parents gave me up for adoption, so I lived in foster homes in the 1950s and 60s. No love in those places. When I was 17, I started living on the streets of Berlin, performing as a street musician and begging for money. Eventually, I was able to attend a German boarding school, which is called gymnasien, thanks to a sponsor. This sponsor was very good to me. He was very wealthy. I was young, handsome and I fit into his fantasy. I gave him sex in exchange for an education. He fit into my fantasy: a savior, a father figure, and a lover. This sponsor helped me to attend the most prestigious university in Berlin for technical knowledge and I graduated with a degree in geological engineering. I was fascinated with the high-risk life in the oil and gas drilling fields. It was just like the high-risk life of living on the streets.

Eventually I went to England and took my masters in geological engineering and started working with an international gas drilling company. Now I find myself in North Dakota, with the most recent gas drilling boom. I act as a consultant to large gas firms. Or at least that is what I tell my women.

I focus entirely on them from the point I finish that story. I tell them they are very smart. They usually are. I know that because I am looking at their LinkedIn profile and can repeat everything that is on their resume. I have researched every online presence they may have from Facebook to Pinterest. Before long, I know their address, I have pictures of their house and their kids. The perfect woman for me is an empty nester, high-net-worth executive, self-employed businesswoman, without a significant other. They are lonely for a male to pay attention to them.

They can see my profile on LinkedIn. It is very impressive, international degrees, prestigious schools, and no way to track. I include photos, after all, I am a hottie. I snag a few photos from an appropriately aged guy’s Facebook page, along with those perfect family shots of my daughter and son. While I am creating a profile, I befriend a few of my woman’s Facebook friends to give me some credibility. I (alas) lost my wife to cancer seven years ago, and I haven’t dated since. I am grieving. My therapist told me I had to get out and meet someone. But I digress, the widow, the photos, the kids, the therapist . . . they are all stories too.

But one thing that is not a story is that I really love these women. I meet them online, I seduce them in emails and phone conversations and I really fall in love with them. I fantasize that “we” have found each other at a turning point in my life. I hope that “she” is the one. She is the one that I will find who will take me away from all this subterfuge. I can’t believe I could be so lucky to fall into this perfect relationship, for she is perfect and I can abandon this life and fall into her arms. From just a post on a group page of wine lovers, theater enthusiasts or Psychiatrists, I have found the one.

Phil’s story continues next week on August 6

Posted in Addiction | Tagged love addiction, scam artist | 1 Comment

Healthy Dating Guidelines — Part Two

Posted on June 25, 2015 by Melissa Killeen

Melissa Killeen

As a recovery coach, I often see that many of my clients have difficulties negotiating new relationships. In the 12-step rooms of the sex and love addictions, members write their healthy dating guidelines when they are entering a new relationship. They review their dating guidelines and make a commitment to their sponsor to follow these guidelines, before the first date. The following dating guidelines can be used by young adults, people that are separated or divorced, and for those who have been single for decades. Last week’s post focused on selecting the characteristics one wants in a potential date, the first date guidelines and first date deal-breakers. Feel free to circle the things that you embrace as your healthy dating guidelines and leave the rest. This week’s post covers the dating guidelines for the first month and on through to the sixth month. These guidelines are specific to circumstances that may occur during the courtship period. These suggestions will help anyone avoid the common pitfalls faced by those who are trying to win the heart of another.

Beginning of the relationship, guidelines for the first month

I will be meeting in a public place for the first 3 dates
I will not make up in my head that he/she is the “one.” Time is the determining factor of a solid relationship.
I will limit the amount of fantasy or daydreaming I have about this person.
I limit my electronic transmission and media use, because it is a gateway behavior to fantasizing and intimacy avoidance
- I will limit my contact by phone, to one 30-minute conversation every other day
- I will limit my contact by email to two emails a day
- I will limit my text to four texts a day
- I do not track this person on their dating sites or social network sites
- All phone calls, emails and texts will be non-sexual and not intriguing
- I will not stare at my phone expecting an instant reply or call back
I will limit the dates to this person to one date every other week for the first two months
I limit the amount of money I spend on a man/woman for dinner, vacations. clothes, gifts
I will not use money spent as an expectation of some form of reciprocation
I will not expect a man to purchase dinner, parking or movies every time we date
I will not kiss this person on the first date
I will not be involved with any form of sexual touching on the first date
I will place appropriate guidelines on when I will kiss or erotically touch this person, e.g. third date to kiss or two months of dating the person before I erotically touch
I will place appropriate boundaries with this person regarding my personal time. No phone calls/dates/interactions with this person that will interfere with me getting to work, doing my work, going to church, fixing my family’s meals, getting a good night’s sleep or any other prearranged time with my children, their school related activities, my friends, therapy or 12-step meetings.

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Posted in Recovery Coaching, Sex Addiction | Tagged dating, healthy dating guidelines, love addiction, Sex Addiction | Comments Off