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Strengthen Your Internal Boundaries
Our guest blogger this week is Elisabeth Davies. Elisabeth is a professional counselor and coach, from Arizona. She believes in helping clients become skilled in overcoming their obstacles, so they can live emotionally healthy lives. In 2008, she began writing a self-help series called “Good Things Emotional Healing Journals” with the goal to offer effective strategies and resources that empower people to live an emotionally healthy lifestyle.

Do you ever tell yourself you’re going to stop a bad habit or start doing something new that will improve your life, then within a short period of time you realize you have been unsuccessful at maintaining your goal? Well join the club! Why is it so difficult to maintain changes that we really desire to make? Well sure it’s work and it takes commitment, perseverance and self-discipline, but there may be something else you have not factored in that significantly influences our ability to maintain desired changes; internal boundaries.

An internal boundary is a limit we set with our self, regarding our own rules. What we think is right or wrong. What we allow or don’t allow regarding our personal thoughts, words and behaviors. If we set limits for our self and do not follow through with them consistently, it is an indication that our internal boundaries are damaged.

Some examples of damaged boundaries are:
- Failing to keep the promises we make to our self about limiting our intake of food, alcohol or drugs.
- Failing to follow through with the goals we set for our self.
- Failing to keep the promises we make to others, regarding our behavior.
- Continued choices that are causing negative consequences to our health, personal relationships or finances.
Damaged internal boundaries can come from being raised in an environment where we were not treated with value, and our boundaries were not respected. If our parents or caretakers abused us verbally, physically, sexually, spiritually, or neglected us and did not honor our boundaries, we will have difficulty honoring our boundaries.

Some examples of our boundaries not being honored include:
- Saying, ‘Don’t hit me’ and the hitting continued (physical abuse).
- Saying ‘Stop yelling at me’ or ‘don’t call me that’ and the yelling and name calling continued (verbal abuse).
- Saying ‘’I don’t like it when you touch me there’ or ‘I don’t want to do that’ and the inappropriate touching and sexual misconduct continued (sexual abuse).
- Our parents or caretakers making promises to be there for us and not following through with their promises (neglect).
If our words and needs were frequently dishonored, then our boundaries become damaged. The great news is internal boundaries can be reestablished, by forgiving and healing our past and relearning how to respect and unconditionally love our self. It is important if we are healing past abuse or neglect to know that the people who have disrespected our boundaries do NOT define our value as a human being. We are born valuable. Our value is inherent. Recognizing the things we naturally do well can remind us of our value. Forgiving people who have abused or neglected us is key to healing our past. Forgiveness is not forgetting what happened, it is releasing all hurt, pain and resentment from what happened, so that our negative emotions caused by the abuse become ‘neutral.’ Forgiveness moves us from remaining a victim to our past to being powerful co-creators of our future!

Here is an effective forgiveness exercise: Each time your mind recalls a memory where you are being abused or devalued as a human being, say to that memory,

‘I unconditionally forgive _____________________ (person, perpetrator) for saying or doing ________________________ (act that was committed against you).’

Repeat this forgiveness exercise, each time you have an abuse or neglect memory. When your mind responds to hurt with unconditionally forgiveness, it will release the hurt. When you can recall the memory, and there is no longer negative emotion attached to it, you have healed that experience!

Strengthening our internal boundary is something that takes consistent work. When we catch our self participating with a behavior or choice that we told ourselves we would no longer do, it lets us know we still have unhealed parts in our self which we need to love, forgive, and accept, rather than look for something outside of our self to medicate or distract us from our inner mental hurt.

Here is an effective exercise to strengthen our internal boundary:

Each day take five to fifteen minutes and go sit somewhere that is quiet, with no distractions. Close your eyes. Take in several slow deep breaths. As you breathe in, say in your mind’ breathing in peace and calm.’ As you exhale, say in your mind, ‘breathing out all negativity and stress in my being.’ Then for the next couple of minutes, let your body breathe all on its own, without any assistance from you.

I call this ‘sleep breathing,’ because this is how our body breathes for us when we are asleep. This type of breathing allows our thoughts to become less dominant and creates mind, body, spirit balancing and wellbeing. Allow your imagination to come out and visualize yourself saying ‘No’ to the behavior or choice you no longer want to participate with. It is your imagination, so feel free to bring in characters, props, or anything that strengthens your ability to steady yourself in the choice that is for your highest good. Release everything in your being that is blocking you from making choices that are for your highest good, by breathing out old beliefs, thoughts, or maladapted programming.

Do these exercises many times, to reinforce new thoughts, beliefs and behavior patterns that strengthen your internal boundary with your unwanted habit or choice. Open your eyes breathe out and steady yourself in the right choice.

Hold the visualization of yourself with a strong internal boundary and use it each time you are tempted, or exposed to a choice that is not for your highest good. We are healable. We are reprogrammable and we can make choices that are for our highest good.

This is a guest blog written by Elisabeth Davies, MC

Elisabeth Davies is a professional counselor and coach, helping clients become skilled in overcoming their obstacles, so they can live emotionally healthy lives. In 2008, she began writing a self-help series called “Good Things Emotional Healing Journals” with the goal to offer effective strategies and resources that empower people to live an emotionally healthy lifestyle.

These workbooks offer effective strategies, motivational interviewing questions and progress inventories, which reinforce emotionally healthy living. Elisabeth’s first published book, GOOD THINGS EMOTIONAL HEALING JOURNAL-ADDICTION, offers effective strategies to manage unwanted habits and compulsive behaviors. It is currently available on her websites: www.BrightAlternatives.com and www.GoodThingsEmotionalHealing.com, Amazon & Barnes & Noble.

You can email Elisabeth at: brightalternatives@cox.net
September 22, 2012
Addiction to Control
This week’s Guest Blog is by Susan Jeffers, Ph.D. a best-selling author of End the Struggle and Dance with Life: How to Build Yourself Up When the World Gets You Down. Susan is a sought-after public speaker blogger and has been a guest on many radio and television shows internationally

An old woman, when asked why she was always cheerful, replied: “Well, I wear this world just as a loose garment.” – Unknown

What a lovely image! What came to me when I first saw this quotation were the words… free, easy, comfortable, soft, flexible, flowing, dancing.

That’s the way we all want to wear life. Most of us, however, wear it like a girdle…tight, hard, rigid, uncomfortable and constricting. How we long to take off that girdle and breathe deeply! How we long to let go of all those things that keep us immersed in struggle instead of flying above the clouds!

Wearing the world as a loose garment means…
- not hanging on so tightly to the way it’s “supposed” to be;
- trusting that all is well…that life is happening perfectly;
- seeing the possibility of love and growth that exists in all experiences;
- recognizing that the ebb and flow of life can be faced from a place of harmony instead of struggle.
What stops us from wearing the world as a loose garment? When we look for an answer, our tendency is to blame everything on what is “wrong” in our lives and in our world. And usually we can find much to blame.

Thankfully, our consciousness is changing. Many books have been written suggesting our inability to let go and enjoy life has nothing to do with anything out there. It has to do with what is going on inside. We are awakening to the fact that when things are not all right within our external world, something is not all right within our being.

Our inability to let go suggests an addiction to control. Noted author, Ken Keyes in his book, Enjoy Your Life In Spite of It All, describes the symptoms of an addiction:
- It creates tension in your body;
- It makes you experience separating emotions such as resentment, anger and fear instead of unifying emotions which give you experiences of acceptance, love and joy;
- Your mind tells you things must be different in order for you to enjoy life here and now;
- Your mind makes you think there is something important to win or lose;
- You feel that you have a “problem” in your life – instead of experiencing life as an enjoyable “game” to be played.
Does all this sound familiar?

The good news is that addictions can be overcome. We don’t have to live a life controlled by our need to control! We can learn how to let go, thus feeling more comfortable, soft, flexible and flowing about life…like wearing the world just as a loose garment.

I believe that all addictions are a function of the LOWER SELF.
- The Lower Self has been incorrectly educated to think the only way to survive is to be numb to the feelings of others.
- The Lower Self absorbs the teachings of our society and, as a result, is caught in the treadmill of more-better-best.
- The Lower Self acts as a frightened parent who does not trust in our ability to handle all the “threats” in our life.
- The Lower Self has no vision and does not understand that all situations in life, good and bad, can be used as a teaching for our highest good.
Any time there is a sign of a real or imagined external threat, the Lower Self automatically triggers our need to control. The way we handle our addiction to control is to pull away from the fear tactics of our Lower Self and rise to the level of our Higher Self, the “Spiritual” part of who we are. The Higher Self is the dwelling place of all good things such as love, power, creativity, joy, satisfaction, and abundance.
- The Higher Self knows we have the strength to handle anything that can ever happen to us.
- The Higher Self doesn’t see the outside world as a threat to our lives; it sees it as a place to learn and grow and contribute.
- The Higher Self has great vision and can guide us to where we need to go with our lives.
- The Higher Self knows that all situations in our life can be used as a teaching for our highest good.
Anytime there is a sign of a real or imagined external threat, the Higher Self calms us down and assures us that “all is well.” As a result, we feel no need to control everything and everyone around us. In the realm of the Higher Self, we can say to ourselves… “It’s all happening perfectly. Whatever happens in my life, I’ll handle it!”

Given this differentiation, I’m sure you will agree that the key to ending the struggle and dancing with life is to create as many Higher Self moments in your life as you can – despite what is happening in your external world. You will notice how freeing it is to leave your Lower Self behind!

The irony inherent in our attempts to control everyone and everything around us is the fact that very little in the world is controllable. Even when we think we are controlling something or someone out there, our efforts are misplaced. The only thing we can effectively control is our reactions to whatever life hands us. What can be more powerful than that!

When we are in control of our reactions, we can be battered by the world around us and still maintain an inner sense of peace.

I love the story of the monk who was confronted by an angry warrior who said, “Don’t you know who I am? I am someone who can cut off your head and not bat an eye!” The little monk looked him in the eyes and calmly replied, “Don’t you know who I am? I am someone who can have you cut off my head…and not bat an eye!” Now that’s the ultimate in controlling our reactions to whatever life hands us…the ultimate in wearing the world as a loose garment!

Most of us don’t attain the ultimate enlightenment of our fearless monk, but we can still learn many of the principles of inner peace that he demonstrated. We can begin to let go of our addictive demands and flow with the events in our life over which we have little or no control.

Learning the art of letting go is essential to our ending the struggle and dancing with life. We can’t become laughing Buddhas by being compulsive, obsessive, fearful and untrusting. The prison of the Lower Self keeps us from exploring paths that lead to self-fulfillment. Even though we think we are giving ourselves protection by seeking to control everything “out there,” we now know this is simply an illusion.

Applying the “letting go process” to all the difficult areas of your life, you automatically feel lighter and breathe easier. You see that your inner peace has nothing to do with the dramas of your life. When you find your way to your Higher Self, the Buddha inside of you will truly begin to laugh!

Copyright © 2012 Susan Jeffers, Ph.D. All rights reserved.
Adapted from End the Struggle and Dance with Life: How to Build Yourself Up When the World Gets You Down

Susan Jeffers, Ph.D. has helped millions of people throughout the world overcome their fears, heal their relationships, and move forward in life with confidence and love. She is the author of many internationally renowned books including her latest book is The Feel the Fear Guide to Lasting Love, which was published in the UK in May 2005 and in the US and Canada by her own publishing company, Jeffers Press, in October 2005. As well as being a best-selling author, Susan is a sought-after public speaker and has been a guest on many radio and television shows internationally. She lives with her husband, Mark Shelmerdine, in Los Angeles. Susan’s web site is: http://www.susanjeffers.com/home/bio.cfm

Email address: admin@susanjeffers.com
September 14, 2012
Eating Disorder or Mind Disorder?

This week’s guest blogger is Melissa Costello. Melissa, founder of KarmaChow.com, is a Culinary Nutritionist & Wellness Coach living in Santa Barbara, California. On October 2nd, her first cookbook, The Karma Chow Ultimate Cookbook, will appear at bookstores nationally. She is the co-host of the online cooking and yoga series, Food & Flow produced through YogaMint and host of Beachbody’s Ultimate Reset Cleanse.

I have had a life-long struggle with a mild eating disorder and distorted body image. As I learn more and more about myself and my “not-so-fun” addictive habits and thoughts, what I have come to realize is that I don’t have an eating disorder – I have a mind disorder.

My mind is what creates the obsessive thoughts about food and my body. And in the past, everything my mind told me, I tended to believe. My thighs are too big, my arms are too fat, and my butt is too big. No one will love me if I don’t have the perfect body. If I eat anything with fat in it, it will make me fat. If I eat ANY food, I will get fat. And the banter goes on and on. You can imagine how tiring that could be.

When I was in my 20’s, I had an exponential amount of energy, so I would just obsessively exercise thinking that would solve my “fat” problem. The banter in my mind would still be there, but I would numb it out with exercise or drinking alcohol and partying. Now as I move into my mid 40’s, I find that I want to be gentler on myself, that numbing out is not an option and hasn’t been for a long time.

The other day I was on a hike and there was a couple up in front of me hiking together. The girl was rambling away the whole hike up the mountain, while I silently was behind them huffing and puffing, thinking; “Wow, that girl is in shape. I can barely catch my breath.” I immediately went into judging myself. As I approached the top of the hike, they were there taking a rest. The guy was huffing and puffing just like me and she was still jabbering away! We ended up chatting and hiking down the trail together, and in our conversation I came to learn that she was 26 and loved beer and coffee. I chuckled to myself inside, because I remembered those days vividly when I would treat my body not-so-good and still have a ton of energy to work-out and do life.

As I have been on a spiritual journey, I am listening to my mind less and less and tuning into the voice of my heart. In my heart, there is no such thing as a disorder, or a fat body or any of these other horrendous things my mind likes to make up to trick me. Nothing my mind tells me is real. It only says the things that it knows from when I was a young kid and absorbed any negative comment that I heard from other people as true. As a teen and young adult, my brother would tease me and say I had a big butt. Mind you, I was a thin rail my whole adult life and was never fat, but just by him saying this, I believed I had the biggest butt in the world and that led me to a bout with bulimia (which wasn’t for me), going on the fat free binge, obsessive exercising and wearing long shirts that covered my butt no matter what. For years, I believed these four words, “you have a big butt.” My mind attached onto them like a leech and never did I even consider that it wasn’t true. I’m sure you can relate to that in some other area of your life.

Now what I do to get past these obsessive and untrue thoughts is to observe my mind, talk to it and tell it to be quiet. I know when those old beliefs are running versus when I am truly in my heart. That mind disorder will always be there, but as I connect more to myself, and the Universe, it gets quieter and quieter. The way I do this is to engage in activities that bring me joy, because when I am feeling joy, I am present and when I am present, there is NO WAY I can be listening to the un-serving commentary that goes on in my disordered mind.

I would be lying if I said I was no longer attached to the way I looked and that I didn’t still have these thoughts of a big butt or fat whatever. It’s a process and I know that the more I love myself, honor my body, do the things I enjoy and spend time with people I love, the disorder and my mind have less power over me.

So I ask you…How can you bring peace to a constant mind chatter that may leave you feeling broken, sad, fat, whatever? What has someone told you about yourself that you took on as a truth, even though it was farthest from it?

What can you do to experience joy and freedom for yourself?

Find what you love and do it now, because this is one of the only things that will help you be free if you find that your mind likes to run the show!

Melissa Costello, founder of Karma Chow has always had a passion for healthy, delicious food and nutrition. As a Nutritional Educator and Wellness Coach, Melissa works one on one with clients teaching them how to live a happier, healthier life through a plant-based, whole foods diet. On October 1^st, her first cook book The Karma Chow Ultimate Cookbook, will appear at bookstores nationally. Melissa has been featured on TV Guide’s, “Secrets of the Hollywood Body”. She is also the co-host of the online cooking and yoga series, Food & Flow produced through YogaMint.com. She teaches cooking classes at local Los Angeles Whole Foods store and private homes across the US.

Check out her website: http://karmachow.com/

August 24, 2012