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As follows are the behavioral characteristics of adults that are the grown children of alcoholics or drug abusers. These characteristics can also be seen in grown children raised by parents that do not have an alcohol or drug problem, but the parents were raised by an alcoholic. These characteristics span generations. If these characteristics ring a bell with you, or are characteristic of a client you may be working with, suggest an ACOA 12-step meeting (http://www.adultchildren.org) and therapeutic assistance.

• Fear of losing control. ACOA’s maintain control of their feelings, their behavior, and try to control the feelings and behavior of others. They do not do this to hurt either themselves or others, but because they are afraid. They fear that their lives will get worse if they relinquish control, and they get very anxious when they cannot control a situation.

• Fear of feelings. ACOA’s have buried their feelings (especially anger and sadness) since childhood and cannot feel or express emotions easily. Eventually they fear all intense feelings, even a good feeling such as joy.

• Fear of conflict. ACOA’s are frightened by people in authority, angry people, and personal criticism, so that they often mistake common assertiveness on the part of others for anger. As a result of this fear ACOA’s are constantly seeking approval, and they lose their identities in the process. They often find themselves in a self-imposed state of isolation.

• An over developed sense of responsibility. ACOA’s are hypersensitive to the needs of others. Their self-esteem comes from others’ opinions of them, and thus they have a compulsive need to be perfect.

• Feelings of guilt when they stand up for themselves instead of demurring to others. ACOA’s sacrifice their own needs in an effort to be “responsible”, and therefore avoid guilt.

• An inability to relax, to let go, and have fun. Trying to have fun is stressful for ACOA’s, especially when others are watching. The child inside is terrified, and in an effort to appear perfect, exercises such strict control that spontaneity suffers.

• Harsh, even fierce, self-criticism. ACOA’s are burdened with a very low sense of self-respect, no matter how competent they may be.

• Denial. Whenever ACOA’s feel threatened, they tend to deny that which provoked their fears.

• Difficulties with intimate relationships. Intimacy gives ACOA’s the feeling of losing control, and requires self-love and the ability to express one’s needs. As a result, ACOA’s frequently have difficulty with their sexuality, and they repeat relationship patterns.

• They see themselves as victims. ACOA’s may be either aggressive or passive victims, and they are often attracted to others like them in their friendship, love, and career relationships.

• Compulsive behavior. ACOA’s may work or eat compulsively, become addicted to a relationship, or behave compulsively in other ways. Tragically, ACOA’s may drink compulsively, and become alcoholics themselves.

• A tendency to be more comfortable with chaos than with peace. ACOA’s become addicted to excitement and drama, which can give them their fix of adrenaline and the feeling of power which accompanies it.

• The tendency to confuse love with pity. As a result, ACOA’s often love people they can rescue.

• Fear of abandonment. ACOA’s will do anything to preserve a relationship, rather than face the pain of abandonment.

• Cognitive Dissonance. The tendency, when under pressure, to see everything and everyone in extremes. All or nothing thinking. Perceptions that everything should be laid out in black and white.

• Physical illness. ACOA’s are very susceptible to stress-related illnesses.

• Suffering from a backlog of grief. Losses experienced during childhood were often never grieved for, since the alcoholic family does not tolerate such intensely uncomfortable feelings. Current losses cannot be felt without calling up these past feelings. As a result, ACOA’s are frequently depressed.

• A tendency to react rather than to act. ACOA’s remain hyper-vigilant, constantly scanning the environment for potential catastrophes’.

This guest post was written by Robert Mittiga, founder and owner of The GATS Program Australia’s leading Private Addiction Treatment Center in Adelaide Australia. You can contact Robert at the GATS Program by Email: gatsservices@bigpond.com

Addiction may be a disease of isolation, but it is rarely an individual problem.

Understanding how “enabling” works is the first step in helping both the alcoholic and the co-dependent seek help. Enabling is any action by another person or an institution that intentionally or unintentionally has the effect of facilitating the continuation of an individual’s addictive process.

Who Is An Enabler?

• Most often, enablers are persons who genuinely care about the alcoholic — family, friends, co-workers, clergy.
• Their love and concern, unfortunately, often leads them to do things that actually help the alcoholic stay that way.
• They “cover” for the alcoholic, inventing excuses for absenteeism, tardiness, or inappropriate behavior.
• They “save” the alcoholic by taking on the alcoholic’s responsibilities or sharing in the denial of the problem.

Yet, in their attempts to “help,” they are in fact encouraging alcoholic behavior by shielding the alcoholic from the consequences of his or her drinking.

Games Enablers Play

There are Many Ways to Enable an Alcoholic. As the saying goes, you are not the cause of someone else’s drinking problem, you cannot cure it and you can’t control it. But there are ways that you may be contributing to the problem.

Before placing the blame for all the problems in your family or your relationship on his (or her) drinking, it might be wise to examine how the other person’s drinking may have affected you, and how you have reacted to it. For example, does the following statements sound familiar?

• I don’t have a problem with my drinking!
• The only problem is your attitude.
• If you would quit complaining about it, there wouldn’t be a problem!

Well, obviously those statements are not completely accurate; after all denial of the problem is one of the more frustrating parts of the problem. On the other hand those statements may not be completely false either.

How do you react to the alcoholic’s drinking? Could your reaction be a part of the overall problem? Have you fallen into “role playing” in the family? Is there anything that you can do to improve the situation?

The following describes an incident that could be an example of alcoholic behavior, and some examples of reactions to the incident. Does any of these sound familiar?

The alcoholic comes home late and he is drunk, too drunk in fact, to get the key into the front door lock. After several futile attempts, he decides that it is a lost cause. Since he does not want anyone in the house to know that he is too drunk to unlock his own door, he makes a brilliant decision that solves his problem. He goes to sleep in the front yard!
How would you react?

The Rescuer

The “rescuer” doesn’t let the incident become a “problem.” Since she has been waiting up for him anyway, she goes out in the yard, gets the alcoholic up, cleans him up, and puts him into bed. That way the neighbors never see him passed out in the flower bed! She never mentions the incident to him or anybody else. If anyone else mentions it, she denies there is a problem. She lies for him, covers up for his mistakes, and protects him from the world.

As the problems increase and his drinking gets worse, she takes on responsibilities that were once his. She may get a job or work extra hours to pay the bills. And if he gets in trouble with the law, she will move heaven and earth to come up with his bail.

The Provoker

The “provoker” reacts by punishing the drunk for his actions. She waits for him to wake up the next morning and gives it to him with both barrels, or she goes out and turns the water sprinklers on!

She scolds, ridicules, and belittles. She nags. She screams insults at him loud enough for everyone to hear. She gets on the telephone and tells all her friends he’s a loser. She is angry and she makes sure that the alcoholic and everybody else knows it. Or she gives him the cold shoulder and doesn’t speak to him. She threatens to leave.

She doesn’t let it go, either. The anger and resentment continue to build as these incidents become more frequent. She never lets him forget his transgressions. She holds it against him and uses it as a weapon in future arguments — even months or years later.

The Martyr

The “martyr” is ashamed of the alcoholic’s behavior and she lets him know it by her actions or words. She cries and tells him, “You’ve embarrassed us again in front of the whole neighborhood!”

She sulks, pouts, and isolates. She gets on the telephone with her friends and tearfully describes the misery that he has caused her this time! Or she is so ashamed of it she avoids her friends and any mention of the incident.

Slowly she becomes more withdrawn and depressed. She may not say much about it to the alcoholic, but she lets him know with her actions that she is ashamed of him. Quietly she tries to make him feel guilty for his behavior.

Which is the Enabler?

The above examples may be somewhat of an exaggeration, but then again they may be very typical of what goes on in an alcoholic home. The “roles” the nonalcoholic spouse plays in the family may not be as well defined, as they are outlined here. Depending upon the circumstances, the spouse may fall into one of these roles, or may switch back and forth between them all.

So which of the spouses described above is an enabler? Which one is actually helping the alcoholic progress in his disease? Which one, although they are trying to make things better, are actually contributing to the problem? All of them!

This post was written by Robert Mittiga Founder / Program Director of the GATS program in Australia. The GATS Program offers HOPE for quality recovery in Australia.
To learn more about the GATS Program go to: http://www.gatsprogram.com/
You can contact Robert at: EMAIL: gatsservices@bigpond.com

When you see someone online who’s expressing suicidal thoughts. How can you help? You’re no expert in suicide prevention.
Here are some things to keep in mind: