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I am a Jewish person who was born and raised in a Conservative congregation. Even though Judaism is considered to be a communal religion, I now reside in a community of one. How can that be? I am a prisoner in a United States Federal Prison and currently have the distinction of [being a congregation of one].

By Jeffrey Abramowitz, Executive Director of Reentry Services at JEVS Human Services

I am a Jewish person who was born and raised in a Conservative congregation. Even though Judaism is considered to be a communal religion, I now reside in a community of one. How can that be? I am a prisoner in a United States Federal Prison and currently have the distinction of being the only practicing, Jewish inmate. I arrived at USP Canaan – an irony in itself as Canaan is an important place in Jewish history – approximately four years ago, just before the Jewish holiday of Passover. Ashamed, disgraced, and void of all possessions, family, friends, colleagues, and even my wife of twenty-four years, I was by definition a “lost soul,” searching for a reason to awake and rise each morning.

       It must be made crystal clear that there are no excuses, rationalizations, or plausible justifications for my actions for which I pled guilty to in a court of law. Standing before my family, friends, clients, and my community, it was time for me to accept responsibility for what I had done, try my best to learn the lessons that God intended by placing this difficult detour in my path, and find a way to move forward. This certainly is no easy task for a once respected attorney and member of both the Jewish and secular communities, who seemingly, had everything. To say I was lost is an understatement; I was in exile.

        Martin Luther King Jr. once said, “in the end, we remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.” No truer words have struck my ears. My legal troubles began over two years before the fateful day of my sentencing. Initially, my rabbi and a few friends from my congregation were supportive. As the legal process continued, I found myself no longer welcome in this sacred space and community I had once considered home. While I tried my best to understand and accept this as part of my punishment, I wondered how a place of worship that was once warm, inviting, and rich with traditions, and that preaches inclusivity, could so abruptly close its doors on someone so in need of guidance.

After entering the criminal justice system, accepting responsibility for my actions, and trying to understand how and why this happened to me, I could not help but think that somehow, my Jewish faith, and even God, had failed me. This initial thought could not have been more wrong: it was not God, my synagogue or anyone else that was culpable for my downfall, and no one besides myself could be responsible for mending my soul. It was up to only me. After months of struggling with my own Jewish identity at the beginning of my incarceration, I returned to my religion. However, my faith and practice looked drastically different this time – no minyan, no congregation, no traditions, or rituals. Rather, it was just me in a cinderblock room with a prayer book – alone with God. Time has not healed the wounds that I have caused but it has given me the opportunity to learn lessons of humility, honesty, tolerance, and has blessed me with a chance to restart my life and to try to fix the pieces I had broken. Re-introducing Judaism was a part of this goal as my religion often preaches a doctrine of breaking and repairing. Jews have an appreciation for how a shattering can lead to a rebirth. Your whole world may be destroyed, only to be rebuilt. “Tikkun” or “to repair” is a central tenet of the Jewish ideology I was always taught. Similar to the floods that Noah faced and the destruction of the sacred Temple of Jerusalem, Jews have historically faced cataclysmic life events which required that we searched deep within ourselves for the wisdom and strength to survive and to grow. In this process, a new person is created. This was the evolution I yearned for in that cinderblock room we called the “chapel.”

            Even though other incarcerated Jewish people have come and gone over the years, I am at least, for now, a congregation of one. Every Friday night, I enter a vacant, white, cinderblock room that has been transformed into our “chapel” because of the holy ceremonies that take place within its walls. This room contains holy books and religious texts for every religion imaginable. There’s a single bookshelf dedicated to Jewish prayer books and writings. While there is no Torah, we are given access to a locker which holds Matzah (used in place of Challah for Shabbat kiddush), two candlesticks (one of which has been broken after years of wear), two candles, several kippot, including one made of yarn by a fellow inmate who is practicing his crocheting. I begin my weekly Shabbat service in the same fashion as how the ceremony begins at my home synagogue: with the lighting of the candles. This practice is aided by a correctional officer who holds the lighter, as a fire source cannot be possessed or held by an incarcerated individual.

The service follows the Siddur and includes frequent pauses for reflection on the past, consideration of the realities of the present, and fixation on dreams of the future. My service includes personal touches – I always end with a prayer for my daughter and the singing of my favorite Jewish song, Hatikvah. The conclusion of the service requires the assistance of a non-Jewish inmate to blow out the Shabbat candles as the prison does not permit for them to burn out on their own, but Jewish custom prevents practicing Jews from extinguishing the candles. I conduct this Shabbat ritual every Friday night, and the tradition has come to mean more to me than any religious service I have ever attended with the exception of my daughter’s Bat Mitzvah in Israel. As each Jewish holiday approaches, I look once again at where I am and reevaluate my religious beliefs in light of my current journey. I’ve come to understand that religion cannot be used as a crutch as we walk through life, but should serve as the guidebook on the intensive, introspective labor we must practice in hopes of building a meaningful and purposeful existence. We cannot assume that religious beliefs will absolve us of our wrongs, provide us with a “get out of jail free” card or miraculously heal the wounds which our hands have created. Being a person of faith does not grant us universal forgiveness for our mistakes, but rather, a pathway to understanding how our errors can ultimately improve our lives.

            When I pray during these sacred moments that I create, it is for those that I care most about in my life. Those that I have touched with my words, actions or mistakes and those who I hope can find it in their hearts to forgive. My prayers are for health and hope and happiness. They are for the things and experiences in my past which may mold who I am, and for the things yet to come which will help shape who I will be. My prayers are for strength, courage, and for the unwavering conviction that I always see my glass as half full, as I remain grateful for what I have and aware that things could always be far worse. As I continue my journey, I appreciate my ability to apply the lens of my Jewish faith to each challenge I face. I move forward knowing that the life I have been blessed with will not last an eternity. Instead, my goal in life is to be happy, to fill the world with friendship, love of mankind, compassion, and reverence of the reality that our time on earth is limited and each second is far too precious to waste. Even in my congregation of one, my Jewish faith continues to support and sustain me.

Reposted with permission from  The Thrive Global Community and the author. Published on February 21, 2021. Written by: Jeffrey Abramowitz, Executive Director of Reentry Services at JEVS Human Services

Jeffrey Abramowitz, J.D. is the Executive Director of Reentry Services for JEVS Human Services and Program Director of Looking Forward Philadelphia. Jeff was a 2018 Fellow for Justleadership USA and has most recently served as the Director of Student Services & Workforce Development for Community Learning Center.

Jeff was a trial lawyer in Philadelphia before poor choices in life and his professional career resulted in acceptance of responsibility and a five-year sentence in the federal prison system. Entering the criminal justice system allowed Jeff the opportunity to see the world with a new pair of glasses and find his passion for education and workforce development. In the short 4.5 years since Jeff has been home, he has worked with over 4,000 individuals, spoken and lectured across the country to educators, administrators, communities, and those touched by our criminal justice system.

Jeff  proudly sits on the Executive Board of the Coalition on Basic Adult Education, COABE, where he serves as the chair of the Literacy Behind and Beyond the Walls Committee, was appointed to the Pennsylvania Reentry Council and serves as Chairman of the Employment Committee and Co-chairs the Reentry Committee for the PA Workforce Development Board. Jeff is active in the Philadelphia Reentry Coalition. Jeff serves on the board of directors of Community Forgiveness & Restoration, a member of Nation Swell Council, and Advisory Board Member of Philadelphia Petey Greene Program.

Jeff is presently a LINCS Reviewer, Literacy Information & Communication System, Resource Collection, for the Department of Education, and serves on the National Association of State Directors of Education, Barbara Bush Foundation Criminal Justice Work Group.

Jeff is the producer and host of the award-winning weekly radio show “Looking Forward” on Philly Cam Radio WPPM 106.5FM. Jeffrey is a writer, keynote speaker, and lecturer around the country on issues of adult education, workforce development, and criminal justice.

In last week’s post, we discussed the fact that in today’s increasingly digital world there are two distinct categories of compulsive/addicted porn users. First, there are the traditional trauma-driven addicts that we have seen for many years. Then there is a new category of compulsive/addicted porn users that is driven more by “conditioning” than unresolved trauma.

Early in the healing process, treatment for these two groups is, in most respects, the same. The primary focus is on identifying and halting the compulsive/addictive behavior. As treatment progresses, however, the approach diverges. This divergence is necessary because although the two categories of compulsive/addicted porn users may look the same on the surface, they are quite different beneath the surface. The underlying issues driving the behavior are just not the same. Thus, the longer-term treatment approach is also not the same.

In last week’s post, we discussed both short-term and longer-term treatment for traditional, trauma-driven porn addicts. This week, we examine the treatment approach for digital-age conditioned addicts.

Treating “Conditioned” Porn Compulsivity/Addiction

As stated above, this new and rapidly emerging cohort of porn users looks, on the surface, incredibly similar to traditional trauma-driven porn addicts. Both groups are preoccupied to the point of obsession with pornography, they have repeatedly tried and failed to either cut back on or quit, and they are experiencing directly related negative life consequences. However, the behavior of conditioned users is not driven by unresolved trauma. As such, these individuals lack the trauma-driven need/desire to numb and escape from their emotions.

Typically, conditioned porn compulsives/addicts start using porn at a young age (often before puberty kicks in) and they don’t move beyond it. For them, porn becomes both sex education and sexual fulfillment. As a result, their ability to form meaningful real-world romantic attachments does not develop (or does not fully develop). So rather than being trauma-based, their compulsive use of pornography is more about conditioning and developmental deficits.

With pornography, there is no risk of rejection, there is no risk of committing an embarrassing social faux pas, there are no strange odors or unexpected physical sensations, and users get a constant and constantly changing barrage of hyper-stimulating sexual intensity that no real-world girlfriend or boyfriend could possibly match. So it’s easy to see the appeal of porn, especially with younger users who are just becoming sexually aware.

Over time, these (often quite young) porn users become conditioned to porn to the point where real-world interactions can’t and don’t match up. Eventually, porn becomes their go-to sexual outlet. As occurs with any compulsive or addictive behavior, this becomes highly problematic over time, especially when these individuals find themselves wanting a real-world romance. Often, they find that no matter how much they want a lasting real-world intimate connection, they can’t seem to manage it because they don’t know how. They never developed the skills they need because they were too preoccupied with pornography. Worse still, they no longer respond with automatic arousal to the close presence of an attractive potential partner.

So, what does treatment look like with this group, and how does it differ from treatment for traditional porn addicts? As stated in last week’s post, in the early stages of recovery, the approach is the same as with traditional porn addicts, with a focus on stopping the use of porn, breaking through the addict’s denial about his or her porn use, managing crises, and developing countermeasures to help prevent relapse.

That is where the similarities end.

One primary reason for this is that conditioned porn users typically find it easier than traditional, trauma-driven porn addicts to quit and stay quit. Conditioned users are generally more able to walk away from porn use, even extremely heavy porn use, with a relatively modest amount of intervention and support. And when they do quit, many of their most obvious porn-related problems (in particular porn-induced erectile dysfunction) tend to abate within a few months. Basically, the rewards center of their brain is able to “reboot,” returning to a pre-porn baseline, relatively quickly. With trauma-based addicts, this process tends to take much longer. Thus, treatment of conditioned porn users can typically move from initial intervention to secondary issues more quickly.

More importantly, the secondary issues requiring treatment are different. Rather than focusing on the resolution of unresolved early-life trauma, as eventually occurs with traditional porn addicts, treatment moves into the who, what, when, where, why, and how of real-world relationships. This is because, as stated earlier, conditioned porn users tend to struggle with developing and/or maintaining healthy real-world connections. They just don’t know how to successfully navigate the often-confusing waters of dating and sexual exploration.

Dr. Rob Weiss believes this developmental shortcoming occurs because these individuals did not learn the necessary skills during childhood and adolescence (for any number of reasons, including and perhaps primarily their disproportionate focus on pornography). Then, suddenly, they “wake up” (usually in their 20s or 30s) feeling alone and desirous of a real-world relationship with absolutely no idea how to make that happen.

Please note: Not all conditioned porn users are completely bereft when it comes to forming healthy real-world relationships. Some are quite adept socially. But it seems that the majority need to be walked through romantic/sexual social development to some degree.

Rather than developmental trauma driving the addiction, as we see with traditional porn addicts, conditioned users appear to be driven by conditioning and developmental delay. Sure, conditioned addicts are likely to also have some unresolved early life trauma (doesn’t everyone), but related to their porn use, that trauma might not be clinically significant.

For these individuals, the driving factor for compulsive porn use appears to be the supernormal stimulus provided by pornography, which the user turns to during key developmental stages because it’s just plain easier than learning how to get one’s needs met with real people. As a result of this over-focus on pornography, relational development is delayed.

As a result, conditioned porn users tend to respond well to much of the early-stage treatment used with traditional porn addiction. But other aspects of treatment for traditional porn addiction, most notably trauma work, can be overkill. These individuals are better served in the longer-term with developmental work, including socialization exercises, accountability with peers, and age-appropriate socialization.

When the porn goes away and conditioned porn users are walked through healthy development, their issues seem to clear up. There is relatively little fight to stay away from pornography. They are able to put the porn down and move on. Traditional porn addicts do not experience this. For them, walking away from porn is an agonizing process—two steps forward, one and a half steps back. Often, there are multiple slips and relapses before they develop even a small amount of real sobriety. And nearly always, a considerable amount of outside support (individual therapy, group therapy, 12-step recovery, and, eventually, trauma work) is needed.

This entry was posted at-  https://sexandrelationshiphealing.com/blog/treatment-for-porn-compulsivity-addiction-part-2-digital-age-conditioned-users/ on January 11, 2021

Written by Scott Brassart

Scott Brassart is a writer, editor, and content creator. As Director of Content Development for Seeking Integrity and Sex and Relationship Healing, he oversees the creation, production, and dissemination of online information, treatment manuals, books, and other written materials. A graduate of Brown University (BA), Emerson College (MA), and Indiana University School of Law (JD), he has been a writer and editor for more than 25 years.

 He is the author of Sex and Porn Addiction Healing and Recovery and coauthor with Kristin Snowden of Life Anonymous: 12 Steps to Heal and Transform Your Life. He has also written two novels, and written, produced, or directed a half-dozen short films. In recent years, his work has focused almost entirely on mental health issues, with an emphasis on healing from substance addiction, sex/porn addiction, and paired substance/sex addiction.

Seeking Integrity and Sex and Relationship Healing was created to help people and organizations understand, address, and redress behavioral health changes. This includes clinical treatment for adult intimacy disorders and related addictions, most notably sex, porn, and relationship addictions along with co-occurring substance and sex addictions .

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