Tag Archives: adult children of alcoholics

Every narcissist needs a codependent love addict

Posted on November 8, 2017 by Melissa Killeen
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Melissa Killeen

“The most common toxic relationship is between the codependent love addict and the narcissist love addict. Opposites attract and love addicts are vulnerable to charming people.” -Author, therapist and founder of Love Addicts Anonymous, Susan Peabody.

Narcissism is a personality disorder. It stems from childhood abuse. When these abused children are young, they decide that the world, and the people in it, are bad and they are the only ones that are good. These thoughts result in a distorted view of themselves. They are the ones that are perfect, and they should be catered to. They lack compassion for others, because everyone else is ‘less than’ or wrong. In general, narcissists are incapable of maintaining a healthy relationship because they have to be in control at all times. But really, a narcissist has to be in control so they are not abandoned, abused or hurt. These narcissistic behaviors find a home in any gender, male or female and in any relationship, heterosexual, gay or bi-sexual.

If you keep your eyes open, you can detect a narcissist’s need for control and self-centeredness. If you make an error they will be critical and unsympathetic. And they will never forget a past mistake. They hold you to a high standard and exhibit disdain for what they consider weakness or vulnerability.

Narcissists are very charming in order to seduce people into liking them. Their ability to impress people is amazing. They appear confident, exciting and are a “match made in heaven”. Love addicts fall for narcissists and bond with them. The narcissist is so good at their craft, that when their true colors emerge, they manipulate their codependent love addict partner to ensure they will not abandon them. It is as if the narcissist and codependent love addict are fighting for the same thing. The codependent love addict fears abandonment as much as the narcissist.

Early abandonment of a child places that kid into a very harsh environment, forcing them to endure and grow up rapidly. They hate the fact they were abandoned but believe that they can endure, and if they work hard enough, abandonment will never happen to them again. A codependent love addict adult emerges from this traumatic childhood environment.

A male codependent love addict is a survivor. He will scrape and do without in order for his offspring and family to survive. These men are self-effacing, excelling in sales, in service positions or dealing with the public. If he needs more money than his 9-5 career can provide, we will find him at a grocery store stocking shelves at midnight or a Home Depot directing others to purchase Sawzalls or mulch on a weekend. These codependent love addicts are constantly fulfilling their role as the primary enabler for their narcissist. A consummate “make doer”, he is unable to speak up for himself, selling himself short in order to avoid the pain of conflict with his loved one. He is strong, he is resilient, and he is a “mute coyote”.

You might want to consider attending a 12 step mutual support group such as:

http://www.loveaddicts.org/

http://www.slaafws.org

http://coda.org/

http://www.adultchildren.org/

To find a professional with counseling experience in love addiction go to the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health (SASH), which is a nonprofit organization dedicated to scholarship and training of professionals certified in sex and love addiction treatment.

For training consider the International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals (IITAP) which is a training resource for therapists specializing in the areas of sex addiction recovery and trauma http://www.iitap.com/certification/addiction-professionals

 

Another good book and resource are:

We Codependent Men – We Mute Coyotes by Carrie C-B , Ken P, Bob T http://www.amazon.com/We-Codependent-Men-Inspiration-Addicted/dp/0578079704

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I’m a guy, can I be a love addict?

Posted on July 16, 2015 by Melissa Killeen
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Melissa Killeen

“Seeing her in the afternoon was like being in heaven,
it took away all of my worries”“This is the only woman who has ever understood me.”

“She is the woman I have dreamed of being with my whole life.”

“She will fix me.”

You are a guy—can you be a love addict? There are many men who have thought these thoughts. There are many men who are dedicated to their wives, yet, seek love in the arms of other women. There are other men who do, do, do for their wives and their families without ever considering their own needs. It is very hard for a man to admit he is a love addict. But there are many men in the 12-step rooms of Love Addicts Anonymous or Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous that recognize they have a behavioral addiction: love addiction.

People fall into love addiction because the behavior is transformative. In this case, feelings of love, romance and fantasy are a “fix” or a sedative for the negative feelings of anxiety, despair, self-doubt, rage, fear of abandonment, etc. The problem is that the fix doesn’t last. Just like any sedative, it wears off.

All healthy relationships transverse from euphoria to loving. Along that trail you receive the knowledge that your partner is a separate person with faults as well as gifts. You don’t feel rebuffed by your lover, for being you. You know she loves you, warts and all. Or does she? Love addiction is built on relationships that form heightened feelings of anxiety instead of feelings of safety and nurturing. Have you ever felt your relationship has moved from feelings of euphoria to feelings of doubt, depression or anxiety in a nanosecond? A love addict will often think “I love you, but, please stop hurting me.” I say think, because very often these thoughts are stuffed down and never verbalized after the first or second comments were met with a disdainful response. The love addict will deny reality, search for a flicker of the early magic, and tolerate anything in order to obtain a sense of security from their partner. But that sense of security rarely is obtained.

The love addict’s dependency on another person is characterized as maintaining the connection, approval or fantasized attachment to the other person. Occasionally, the term fantasy addict is heard in the “S” rooms. How often has a love addict, hurt and emotionally abused by their wife or girlfriend, retreated into the computer fantasy world of porn to seek what they are really looking for in their relationship? The love addict can live in the non-reality or fantasy that their lives are working, because they have the outward trappings of success (the house, clothes, cars, kids doing well). The denial of reality for the love addict is based on their fear of being abandoned, so the love addict makes up in his head that his miserable, love-less life is a small sacrifice as compared to him being alone.

Accepting crumbs

One of the greatest losses a male love addict experiences is his loss of self. The constant acting out in an unhealthy relationship results in an increasingly devalued view of self by the love addict, and an increasing idealized version of his love interest. There is an increased need to depend on the wife, partner, boss or friend as the stakes get higher. It is, at times, as if reality has become obscured. A businessman complains:

“I think she is trying to trick me to slip up, so she can leave me.”

“I will lie to avoid conflict.”

“I can last a year on just one compliment.”

The ability to trust is absent in addictive relationships. The pattern of these relationships involves more and more dependence, less and less fulfillment and many negative consequences that can border on abuse. The cost of being a love addict can affect any part of a man’s life, all of his relationships, family as well as in his career.

If a love addict actually loses his “fix,” he suffers not only psychological devastation; but a physical feeling of withdrawal which could include sleeplessness, eating difficulties, disorientation, sweating, cramps, anxiety, and nausea.

Can I recover?

It is often from these intense feelings of withdrawal that recovery begins. It begins with the end of denial and the recognition that these feelings could be an addiction. Withdrawal involves the wish to change, even when that wish comes from loss and pain. Recovery is not about finding another person or reclaiming your former lover, but about reclaiming yourself. Recovery from love addiction most often necessitates seeking professional help to regulate your feelings, grow your acceptance of self, improve your self-esteem, heal your past wounds, to look at your dependency issues and to forgive yourself.

You might want to consider attending a 12-step mutual support group such as:

http://www.loveaddicts.org/

http://www.slaafws.org

http://coda.org/

http://www.adultchildren.org/

To find a professional with counseling experience in love addiction go to The Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health (SASH) web site. SASH is a nonprofit organization dedicated to scholarship and training of professionals certified in sex and love addiction treatment.

http://www.iitap.com/certification/addiction-professionals

 

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Angry Birds—Part 3: The conflict between a young adult and her mother in recovery

Posted on September 5, 2014 by Melissa Killeen
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Melissa Killeen

In my previous blog post I touched upon the subject of how a recovering mother could cope with the conflict her 21-year-old daughter expressed during a family vacation. In this post, I explore the collision of this emerging adult woman with the codependent behaviors of her youth, while growing up in an alcoholic household. This young woman is wishing that everything that she fantasized about her childhood remained true, and in addition,  her mother  (my recovery coaching client) was a sober and a perfectly wonderful mother. To understand what is transpiring with this emerging young adult, I looked into what forms an attachment between a child and her mother.

Kim Bartholomew wrote in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology about the attachment styles of young adults. She re-imagines the four categories of attachment theory, originally drafted by English psychologist John Bowlby in the 1970s and 80s, to fit the emerging adult.

Attachment theory as outlined by Bowlby, suggests that every human develops strong affectual bonds with others while they grow up. These affectual bonds can influence feelings or emotions in the unconscious decision-making process. Whether these bonds are with a parent, caregiver, teacher or friend, they are the foundation of the young adult’s self-image and their perception of others. These building blocks, or bonds, could be metaphorically described as ingredients to make a cake, or in other words, a cup of a mother’s nurturing, a pinch of a caregiver’s consistency, a tablespoon of a father’s work ethic and a dash of fear of an elementary school bully.

Bartholomew outlined in her article that a young adult’s self-image is divided into two parts: Positive — I am worthy of love and support and Negative — I am not worthy of love and support. In turn, a young adult will form an image of others using this same theory; Positive: You are trustworthy and available or Negative: You are unreliable and rejecting.[1]

Bartholomew breaks these affectual/attachment bonds into four more categories:

  1. Secure — A sense of worthiness (lovability) plus an expectation that other people are generally accepting and responsive. “It is relatively easy for me to become emotionally close to others. I am comfortable depending on others and having others depend on me. I don’t worry about being alone or having others not accept me.”
  2. Pre-occupied — A sense of unworthiness or un-lovability, but is combined with a positive evaluation of others. This combination of characteristics would lead the person to strive for self-acceptance by gaining the acceptance of valued others. “I want to be completely emotionally intimate with others, but I often find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I am uncomfortable being without close relationships, but I sometimes worry that others don’t value me as much as I value them.”
  3. Fearful — A sense of unworthiness or un-lovability, combined with an expectation that others are untrustworthy and judgmental. By avoiding close involvement with others, this style enables people to protect themselves against anticipated rejection by others. “I am somewhat uncomfortable getting close to others. I want emotionally close relationships, but I find it difficult to trust others completely, or to depend on them. I sometimes worry that I will be hurt if I allow myself to become too close to others.”
  4. Dismissive-Avoidant — A sense of love-worthiness, combined with a negative disposition toward other people. Such people protect themselves against disappointment by avoiding close relationships and maintaining a sense of independence and invulnerability. “I am comfortable without close emotional relationships. It is very important to me to feel independent and self-sufficient, and I prefer not to depend on others or have others depend on me.”[2]

For children of parents addicted to drugs or alcohol, life can be a nightmare riddled with confusion, fear, anger, and resentment. Could this emerging young adult be straddled between Pre-Occupied and Fearful in Bartholomew’s categories? Uncomfortable being without close maternal relationship, but  sometimes worried that Mom doesn’t value her as much as she values Mom? And/or is she finding it difficult to trust her Mom completely, or to depend on her. Based on this young adult’s history with her Mom, is she sometimes worrying that she’ll will be hurt if she allows  herself to become too close? The mere definition of being a young adult means it is very important to her to feel independent and self-sufficient, which leads into Bartholomew’s Dismissive-Avoidant  category.

Does this give you an idea on how conflicted the emerging adult can be?

The task of knowing how to effectively deal with addicted parents is further complicated by the fact that children of addicts and alcoholics are at a higher risk of developing their own addictions and alcoholism based on their biology and upbringing. Unlikely as it may seem, dealing with addicted parents and shaping a healthier, happier life is possible for emerging adults.

More will follow in my next week’s blog.

 

[1] Journal of Personality and Social Psychology Copyright 1991 by the American Psychological Association, Inc.
1991, Vol. 61, No. 2, 226-244 0022-3514/91/
Attachment Styles among Young Adults: A Test of a Four-Category Model
Kim Bartholomew, Simon Fraser University, Burnaby, British Columbia, Canada
Leonard M. Horowitz, Stanford University, Palo Alto, CA, Pg 2.
Accessed on 7.17.14 at:  http://tad.org.mx/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/Attachment-Styles-Among-Young-Adults.pdf.

[2] Journal of Personality and Social Psychology Copyright 1991 by the American Psychological Association, Inc.
1991, Vol. 61, No. 2, 226-244 0022-3514/91/
Attachment Styles among Young Adults: A Test of a Four-Category Model
Kim Bartholomew Simon Fraser University, Burnaby, British Columbia, Canada
Leonard M. Horowitz, Stanford University, Palo Alto, CA , Pg.4,5 and 19
Accessed on 7.17.14 at:  http://tad.org.mx/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/Attachment-Styles-Among-Young-Adults.pdf.

 

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