Tag Archives: relationships

Disagreements are normal in relationships

Expect every relationship to have a disagreement along the way. Disagreements are normal in relationships. Disagreements, however, can trigger other feelings, such as loss of control, powerlessness, or feelings of abuse. Mix into this situation your partner’s personality, the triggers the disagreements bring up for both of you, and a dash of how we saw disagreements resolved in our childhood and you may have a very dysfunctional approach to resolving conflict.

Are you willing to change? Most importantly, is your partner willing to change, too?

IntimacySome disagreements are not disagreements but break downs in communication, or misinterpreted statements. Sometimes the way a message is delivered (i.e. in a text or email) can open the door for miscommunication and result in a fight between partners. Your partner may be upset over reading an email, or hearing your message on their voicemail and you may not know why there is such high level of upset. The answer usually is: they misinterpreted your statement.

Simple miscommunication

Miscommunication typically results from not explaining yourself clearly, specifically and completely. All very difficult to do in a voice mail, text or email. So make a rule that all difficult conversations be made face to face. Your partner deserves this quality of conversation and you deserve not to be in the realm of upset over this predicament.

When communicating with your loved one, ask yourself the following, are you:

  1. Communicating with a lack of emotion in your voice?
  2. Leaving out information you assume your partner should know about?
  3. Are you really saying what you want to say?
  4. Is there a hidden agenda lurking behind this communication? Perhaps all of these things you have reviewed, resolved, cleaned up and cleared out. It was a simple miscommunication, end of story. Now, you both can move on to your weekend chores or favorite Netflix program.

It’s a bigger thing . . .

If this is more than a miscommunication problem, the next step is picking a time to discuss it, calmly, quietly and with no interruptions. Maybe at lunch on Sunday, or after the kids go to bed, most definitely when both of you have cooled down. Plan on sitting down with your partner and starting with an opening statement affirming your love and commitment to the relationship. Pledge that this meeting is an attempt to change how you communicate. Make fastidious notes regarding your presentation, because you may have to make an appointment with your partner to discuss this again, in a few days. Chances are you will forget all about your thoughts and feelings about this miscommunication, so keep your notes handy. If your partner is not looking you in the eye, or multitasking on their cell phone while you are attempting a conversation, maybe they had some difficulties coming to this meeting. Kindly ask, with a lack of emotion in your voice, the following:

  1. Ask if they heard your request to discuss this problem
  2. If there would be a better time to have this discussion when you could have their full attention
  3. Are they bringing up old resentments from past conflicts, if so, ask them to set these resentments aside for a time
  4. Is something really bothering them about this problem, and would they like to speak first?

Identify avoidance

Couples become very good at avoiding conflict. Sometimes one partner is so good at it, they teach the other partner avoidance through osmosis. Soon both partners are adept at sidestepping the real issues, and all conflicts because they won’t like the results. Remember your intimate relationship with your partner is not a win/lose proposition. Avoidance leaves one or both partners feeling unloved, not respected and upset that they are not being “heard.” It is important to work through a few of these exercises, so each partner can realize that discussing and resolving conflict is very important for a healthy, intimate relationship.

Avoidance looks and feels like this:

  1. You are so resentful at your partner that you are unwilling to do anything to resolve it
  2. All conversations like this devolve into conflict, anger, shouting and negative outcomes
  3. You don’t see any problem to discuss
  4. These meetings are a waste of time, dull boring and I could be mowing the lawn, paying bills or doing the wash instead of doing this
  5. If you have to have these discussions at the therapist’s office, a common thought is, I would rather spend my money on something other than this.

How to prepare for the meeting to resolve a problem

Before your meeting, identify your “hot button” issues. You know the ones, identify your pattern in most of your arguments. Does talking about money set you off, does mention of your domineering mother make you defensive, does worrying about your partner leaving you bring up actions you would rather not display (like aggression) or when things aren’t going your way do you start to cry? Review your reactions to your hot-button issues before hand, come up with some solutions to control your reactions (bite your lip, light a cigarette, hold a teddy bear) this will help you cope better during this meeting. Here are some ground rules both you and your partner should read and agree on prior to this meeting:

  1. Pick a time to discuss a problem so it can be resolved. Don’t discuss a problem when either of you are angry
  2. In this discussion, stay focus on the one problem. Use the specific example of your “upset” over this problem. Even if you have to repeat this specific example several times, stay focused
  3. Have a goal in mind when you discuss this problem. What are the changes you hope to make by discussing this problem? Why is it important for you to discuss this problem? Is this problem something you and your partner can change? Can you both commit to the change?
  4. Tell your partner what has upset you and what you are willing to do to change things going forward. Ask your partner what he/she is willing to do or change
  5. Be courteous when speaking to your partner, no back stabbing, knife twisting or “I’m better than you” comments
  6. Express positive messages, focus on the good attributes your partner has. As in the Jungle Book, “Accentuate the positive.” Or as in Mary Poppins, “A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.”
  7. Ask for changes to this problem in a positive way, avoid a cynical tone of voice or aggressive body language
  8. Do something nice for your partner, without expecting something in return.
  9. Complain about the things that matter. Attempt to limit your complaints to one thing that will make a difference or has to be acted upon immediately
  10. Let go of the past. Don’t allow yourself to bring up old problems, behaviors or incidents from the past. This will derail this conversation and it will devolve into a shouting match
  11. Be open to compromise. Intimate relationships are not a winner-take-all environment. Be open to your partner’s ideas
  12. Remove ultimatums from your vocabulary. Phrases like “I am leaving you” or “Pack your bags” should be turned into a “Let’s cool down and discuss this at another time.”

Using these tools to improve your intimate relationship is just like going to a board retreat or a workshop to improve your job performance. Isn’t it worth it to improve your intimate relationship’s performance? To advance change with the person you trust more than your boss, manager or administrator?

In an intimate relationship, the ultimate goal is not to dominate, control, or win. It is, instead, to create nourishing and mutually supportive intimacy; that is, to fully see your partner and to be fully seen; to be lovingly held by your partner (and vice versa) and to listen to them. The highest priority is on the relationship itself, on creating and maintaining an empathetic, loving environment. Acknowledging there is no boss, no subordinate, no winners, no losers. In other words, an intimate relationship is a place where two people, sometimes being in direct opposition or conflict, ultimately, trust the other’s predominant values enough to find equilibrium.

Go at it!

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Why are Love Addicts and Love Avoidants, or Love Ambivalents attracted to each other?

The last person a love addict should be attracted to is a love avoidant or love ambivalent. But all love addicts are attracted to love avoidants or love ambivalents. Why? In order to answer this we have to go back and look at the relationships these addicts experienced with their primary caregivers.

Childhood experiences

The love addict has had a relationship with their primary caregiver that proved to them they can be abandoned at any time. That is a familiar fear, holding-hands1prompting love addicts to try harder to get the attention and love of their partners. Love avoidants have experienced a highly dependent caregiver. One who smothers the avoidant, requiring the attention that was difficult for an immature child to bring forth. As a result, the avoidant sees relationships as work. Love ambivalents have experienced both a smothering caregiver and an abandoning caregiver. For example, a father who left the family, resulting in a mother who uses the child as a surrogate spouse to take care of her emotional needs.

Even though each of these addicts dislike the role they were given in childhood, it is a familiar role, and they feel comfortable in it. A role that when engaged in adulthood, feels like the same type of love that they had as a child for their caregiver. Because they were so young when experiencing these feelings, the child knew they had to love their caregiver, with the child thinking these feelings of being smothered or abandoned equaled a type of love.

So a love addict, avoidant or ambivalent is attracted to the unconscious display of these traits from a new adult coming into their lives. After a few weeks, or months, these behaviors start to spark the feelings inside that the love addict, avoidant or ambivalent recalls, albeit unconsciously, from their youth. Their old frustrations with their caregiver are placed onto the new adult relationship. These feelings are akin to love for the love addict, avoidant or ambivalent, but actually just recreate the relationship they had with their parent or caregivers.

The love addict, avoidant or ambivalent wants to heal these old childhood wounds and fix what wasn’t right with their first “love” (their parent or caregivers). In doing everything in their power to do this, they believe there is a possibility of fulfilling the childhood fantasy of having the perfect mate (cue the Cinderella or the Shrek DVD). Avoidants are programed to rescue, so when they see a damsel in distress, they move very powerfully, even seductively, to take up that challenge. I say seductively, because the avoidant wants unconsciously to rescue, and to be in control of the relationship. If they control, they cannot be controlled, as they were in their formative years. However, there is always a rear-exit door left open. Ambivalents were chastised for showing too much emotion in their youth, so in adulthood, they commit to being detached in emotional settings.

What can these addicts do to change?

As an adult, the love addict, avoidant or ambivalent may be able to realize these are not healthy behaviors and re-think these acts. Perhaps the love addict, avoidant or ambivalent has learned from the consequences of past, broken relationships. As adults, these addicts may be able to realize these are not healthy feelings and identify their actions, like acknowledging when the love addict grasps for more attention, it is in order to not be abandoned. Recognizing that when the avoidant flees from intimate relationships, they are reverting to childlike behaviors. And being aware of when the ambivalent starts feeling undecided about a lover does nothing for the relationship.

These individuals want desperately to have a healthy, long-term relationship, so perhaps trying some new behaviors can be possible. I suggest taking more time in courting. Spend more non-sexual time with the prospective partner. Learn how to speak more about their feelings of fear and work out some common responses to the feelings of flight, fight or freeze. Every new relationship brings a new set of “situations” to resolve. Being more open to dating people who do not send the charge of electricity or chemistry through the addict’s body is another suggestion. These addictive feelings, thoughts and/or behaviors are not present in a healthy, non-addict adult. These healthy adults are often passed over by the addict, because they see them as boring, or the addict acknowledges the “chemistry” was not strong enough to capture their interests. I suggest giving these healthy adults another chance, another date or another month, or two, to develop the relationship further. The addict may be surprised in the result. Above all else, avoid sexual contact as long as possible during this courtship phase. I suggest embracing a healthy dating plan (Google it!) that includes a minimum of three months of non-sexual dating.

A very intimate discussion is a conversation on why saying the word love is difficult or challenging, or perhaps too easy (as in the case of the love addict). Another intimacy exercise is the game of ‘In to me, I see’, which one person closes their eyes and says ‘When I look into myself, I see…’ and then explains what they see. This isn’t an after dinner game for a party, but is an interchange between two lovers, using a simple statement that will spark a similar response with the other.

How does a healthy person think about love?

A healthy person doesn’t compulsively fantasize about a white knight rescuing them or a beautiful girl on their arm making them a better person. Each of us have the potential within to feel whole and fulfilled. We are the ones who develop our own competence, our own self-esteem. We use self-love, self-nurturing, self-protection, self-awareness and self-care to build these strengths.

Each of us finds the meaning of life for ourselves. The only part a partner can help with is sharing their search for the discovery of the meaning of their lives. Ultimately, no one can make us do anything. If they do, we will reject them. Don’t even go down that path. Allow your partner to do what he or she needs to do for themselves, and stop yourself when you feel you are falling back into old, addictive behaviors.

A healthy relationship is not based on need, fear, compulsion or obsession. It does not thrive on that electrical bolt of energy or chemical reaction. It is like a little seed, in the fresh, spring earth, that needs nurturing to grow. Not too much water, not too firm earth. Get the picture?

Healthy people love themselves. Shed the fear of ego or dread of being viewed negatively. Speak to your therapist about these fears. Allow yourself to grow emotionally and spiritually. It may take a few relationships to allow this self-nurturing and growth to happen, it’s not an overnight thing. During your development as a healthy person, someone will walk into your life, and both of you will experience a blossoming of growth, just like that little seed.

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Passive Aggression Anyone?

This week’s guest post is written by Heidi Grant Halvorson,PhD. Heidi Grant Halvorson is a rising star in the field of motivational science.   She is a an Expert Blogger for Fast Company, The Huffington Post, and Psychology Today, the BBC, the Harvard Business Review, and SmartBrief’s SmartBlog on Leadership.    For more on motivation, purchase her new book Succeed: How We Can Reach Our Goals or follow her personal blogs Peeling the Onion or The Science of Success, can be found at www.heidigranthalvorson.com  

 

One of my dearest and closest friends – my children call him Uncle Shawn – is hands down our favorite guest. He is a great storyteller with a bit of the devil in him. Quite a bit, actually. He makes us laugh until we cry.

 

Shawn lives in New York City. After teaching for a few years he is currently working on his Ph.D. For as long as I have known him, Shawn has suffered from two great shortages in his life, one being spendable cash and the other is patience with his mother. This very proper lady flew into JFK one day for an impromptu visit with her son, and very naturally expected him to come and fetch her from the airport. Shawn, like most New Yorkers, does not own a car. Resenting her visit in the first place, and minding very much the cost of a round trip cab fare in the second, he settled his inner conflict by picking her up in a U-Haul – the cheapest option available to him.

 

This is the only funny instance of passive aggression I know of. However, his mother didn’t think it very funny at all, which of course was his point.

 

A familiar passive-aggressive scene (perhaps all too predictable to some) is the husband who does not want to visit his in-laws this weekend, according to the long-standing plan. We will find him sitting in front of the TV until his wife and children are fully dressed and ready to go. His wife, having learned from experience that he will make them late again, had shouted reminders to him in regular intervals, while working on the kids and her own outfit. Not hearing any movement from the TV room, her shouts become more angry. At the door a furious argument ensues, or she may be crying about his indifference to her feelings. Either way, he is content. Making her miserable was the price she had to pay for “making him go.”

 

Passive aggression can often be seen in young children who are told to share their toys with siblings or other children. They will throw the wanted toy in the opposite direction, or hand over some less attractive substitute.  Or, among adults, it can be the recently cooked meal – now sitting in the trash can- waiting for the hungry person who forgot to warn he would be late. Or the colleague at work who drags his feet, because he doesn’t like to work on a team.

 

All these different behaviors occur when the perpetrator knows he or she really ought to do a specific thing or go to a previously agreed-upon place, because it is the right thing to do. Now they just resent having to do it. They will hold someone responsible and make them pay.  Payment can be extracted by making you late for something important to you, through digs and low-blows to your self-esteem, or even by deliberately embarrassing you in front of others. P**sing on your parade in some way will make things even!

 

The closeness of your relationship to someone who behaves this way toward you, the frequency with which it occurs, and the extent, to which they will go, will be the deciding factors in your response to it.

 

For the valued long-term relationship where this behavior is infrequent and only annoying, I recommend simply ignoring it.  Don’t take the bait! If you don’t give them the satisfaction they seek, they will eventually see it as a fruitless endeavor.

 

In other, more serious situations, ask yourself, “What is at stake here?”  Ignore it, confront it, or take a permanent walk?

 

Posted by Heidi Grant Halvorson. Heidi Grant Halvorson is a rising star in the field of motivational science.   She is a an Expert Blogger for Fast Company, The Huffington Post, and Psychology Today, as well as a regular contributor to the BBC, the Harvard Business Review, and SmartBrief’s SmartBlog on Leadership.  Her writing has also been featured on CNN Living. Heidi is also Associate Director of the Motivation Science Center at the Columbia University Business School. For more on motivation, purchase her new book Succeed: How We Can Reach Our Goals (Hudson Street Press, 2011). Follow her personal blogs, Peeling the Onion or The Science of Success, can be found at www.heidigranthalvorson.com. Follow her on Twitter @hghalvorson

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