Tag Archives: Love Addicts Anonymous

What is Love Addiction?

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Melissa Killeen

When hearing the word “addiction,” most of us tend to think of alcoholism and substance abuse, as opposed to addictive behaviors like eating, spending, gambling, video gaming, sex and love. Nevertheless, people can and do become addicted to highly pleasurable, self-soothing behaviors just as they can become addicted to pleasurable, self-soothing substances – both have the same problematic results.

Individuals may turn to alcohol, prescription medications or illegal substances as a way to self-medicate or to numb out in order to avoid stress and/or emotional discomfort. These same individuals may also turn to an intensely pleasurable pattern of behavior as readily as turning to a substance. Let’s say it is like selecting to watch a X rated movie instead of drinking a glass of vodka.

Love addiction is a human behavior that is indeed a highly pleasurable, self-soothing behavior, a behavior through which some people have become addicted to the feeling of being in love. Love addicts can take on many different behaviors. Love addicts will spend much time and effort on a person to whom they are addicted. Love addicts value this person above themselves, and their focus on the beloved person can be described as obsessive.

This behavior results in love addicts neglecting to care for themselves. They instead, say, attend rock concerts of a beloved musician who does not know the love addict even exists, recreating an image of not who that loved person is, but perhaps a re-creation of a parent figure. Love addicts will select to stop seeing their friends in exchange for staying with the beloved person, only. Love addicts may lose weight, change their hair color or purchase a new wardrobe to suit the beloved. In essence, abandoning important aspects of their lives and well-being in order to stay connected to the object of their affection. Some love addicts find that when not involved in a love-addicted relationship they are able to care for themselves quite adequately, visit with friends and enjoy independence. However, when they become involved, the love addict quickly finds that their self-care capacity steadily declines. Love addiction is common, for men as well as women, however, most love addicts do not realize they are addicted to love.

The simple truth is that addictive behaviors trigger the same basic neurochemical response as drugs. Behavioral addictions create mood-related neurochemicals like dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin, resulting in feelings of pleasure, anticipation and distraction. This intense neurochemical response to addictive behaviors provides temporary escape and relief. Over time, some individuals learn that the easiest way to avoid feelings of stress and emotional discomfort is to engage in a highly pleasurable and potentially addictive behavior. Eventually they start to use those behaviors not to feel better, but to feel less or to numb out. This is a sure sign of addiction. So the only significant difference between substance and behavioral addictions is that substance addicts ingest alcohol or drugs to create a neurochemical reaction, while behavioral addicts create their own dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, and other mood-related neurochemicals to enjoy their own intensely pleasurable fantasy or activity – no substance necessary. Love addicts are addicted to dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin and can create these chemicals naturally in their body – with no need to leave home!

Could I be a love addict?

Adult love addicts usually recognize that when they were children, their most precious needs for validation, love and connection were not met by one or both of their parents. People can become love addicts due to a past history of abandonment from their primary caregivers or people close to them. To further confuse matters, a love addict may display love-addictive behavior toward a parent, their children, siblings, or friends, commonly referred to as enmeshment, which is not always related to romantic love or sexual interactions.

These addictive experiences result in low self-esteem, a conscious fear of abandonment and a subconscious fear of intimacy. To a love addict, intensity in a relationship is often mistaken for intimacy and love. Some symptoms of love addiction include love at first sight, excessive fantasizing about a romantic partner, and abnormal jealousy. Love addicts may find themselves living with a partner who is emotionally unavailable, abusive or dishonest. Many times a love addict will engage in sex with a potential partner, hoping that individual will love them.

Many sex addicts cannot see the role love addiction plays in their compulsive behavior. The fusion of sex addiction and love addiction is separated after years of therapeutic treatment for sex addiction, and the addict has begun to resolve the reasons for his or her compulsive sexual behaviors. This does not happen immediately, as it may take five to ten years to enter the maintenance stage of recovery from sex addiction. Many people give up on such a long duration of clinical support, and thus love and relationship addiction remains a hidden epidemic.

Dr. Susan Campbell, author of nine books on relationships and conflict resolution has written the Love Addiction Quiz. If you answer “yes” to more than two of these questions, you should take a serious look at learning more about love addiction and its treatment.

  1. Are you in a break up and then make up cycle with a romantic partner?
  2. Do you often think to yourself that this person is not good for you?
  3. Do any of your close friends tell you that this person is not good for you?
  4. After you two have been apart for a few days, do you get to a point where you feel empty or lost without this person?
  5. During the days immediately following a breakup with this person, do you experience difficulty sleeping, eating, or carrying out other self-care activities?
  6. Do you need emotional intensity in order to feel alive?
  7. Do you feel “high” when the two of you re-connect after a fight or a falling out?

As with any addiction, recovery from love addiction is a process of self-discovery. It requires taking specific steps: breaking through denial and acknowledging the addiction; owning the harmful consequences of the addiction; and intervening to stop the addictive cycle from occurring. The first step should be learning more about love addiction. Here are some excellent books on the topic:

The next step is to find a 12-step support group in your area. Susan Peabody, therapist, and author of Addiction to Love, started the 12-step program Love Addicts Anonymous. Additionally, another 12-step meeting for love addiction is Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA).

Like drug addicts, love addicts experience withdrawal symptoms. Sadness, depression, excessive sleepiness, or suicidal thoughts are part of this withdrawal process. Working with a therapist can be the most important step to help guide the love addict through the process of recovery. Guiding a person through childhood experiences of abandonment, navigating through the feelings of pain, fear, anger and emptiness requires a skilled therapist trained in love and sex addiction.

Next week, our blog post is about pornography addiction.


Resources used in this blog:

Robert Weiss LCSW, CSAT-S (12.2.14) Understanding Process (Behavioral) Addictions, Counselor Magazine for Addiction Professionalshttp://blog.counselormagazine.com/2014/12/understanding-process-behavioral-addictions/

Dr. Susan Campbell (3.13.13) A Few Telltale Signs of Love Addiction, Psych Central,http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/03/13/a-few-telltale-signs-of-love-addiction/

Alexandra Katehakis, MFT, CST, CSAT,(5.26.13) What is Love Addiction? Psych Central, http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/05/26/what-is-love-addiction/

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Cybersex Addiction Screening Test

The Cybersex Addiction Screening Test is designed to assist the assessment of sexually compulsive or “addictive” behavior. The test provides a profile of responses which help to identify men and women with sexually addictive disorders.

Instructions

Check each “Yes” response as appropriate. Count your answers at the end

Questions

  1. Do you spend increasing amounts of online time focused on sexual or romantic intrigue or involvement?
     YES
  2. Are you involved in multiple romantic or sexual affairs in chat rooms, Internet or BBS?
     YES
  3. Do you not consider online sexual or romantic “affairs” to be a possible violation of spousal/partnership commitments?
     YES
  4. Have you failed in attempts to cut back on frequency of online or Internet sexual and romantic involvement or interaction?
     YES
  5. Does online use interfere with work (tired or late due to previous night’s use, online while at work etc.)?
     YES
  6. Does online use interfere with primary relationships (e.g. minimizing or lying to partners about online activities, spending less time with family or partners)?
     YES
  7. Are you intensely engaged in collecting Internet pornography?
     YES
  8. Do you engage in fantasy online acts or experiences which would be illegal if carried out (e.g. rape, child molestation)?
     YES
  9. Has your social or family interactive time decreased due to online fantasy involvement?
     YES
  10. Are you secretive, or do you lie about the amount of time spent online or type of sexual/romantic fantasy activities carried out online?
     YES
  11. Do you engage with sexual or romantic partners met online, while being involved in marital or other primary relationship?
     YES
  12. Are there increasing numbers of complaints or concerns from family or friends about the amount of time spent online?
     YES
  13. Do you frequently become angry or extremely irritable when asked to give up online involvement to engage with partners, family or friends?
     YES
  14. Has the primary focus of sexual or romantic life becomes increasingly related to computer activity (including pornographic CD ROM use)?
     YES

 

 If you scored seven yes’s or more, cybersex and sex addiction may truly be a concern for you, and should be openly discussed with a counselor, friend or family member. I strongly encourage you to attend a 12 step support program like SLAA, SAA or SCA, the links are listed below. You may consider a consultation with a certified sex addiction (CSAT) counselor or professional. You may also want to read or consider purchasing one of the books listed below.

 12 Step Support Programs

Love Addicts Anonymous
Love Addicts Anonymous is a 12 step community that provides a safe place where love addicts can come together and recover from love addiction. Face to face meetings in larger metropolitan areas, international on line and telephone meetings. LGBTG friendly

 Sexaholics Anonymous (SA)
National: (615) 331-6230
A national 12 step program for sexual addicts and sexual offenders. Mostly males in attendance. A guideline of sexual relations outside of the bond of marriage is defined by SA. International on line and telephone meetings

Sexual Addicts Anonymous (SAA)
National: (713) 869-4902
A national 12 step program for sexual addicts and some sexual offenders. Each member to define his or her own abstinence. Scattered meetings have female attendance. International on line and telephone meetings.

Sexual Compulsives Anonymous (SCA)
National: (800) 977-4325                                                                                    Mostly urban 12 step program, primarily for sexual addicts. Scattered meetings have female attendance. International on line  meetings

Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA)
National: (781) 255-8825
National 12 step program for sexual addicts and those with patterns of unhealthy sex, love or romantic relationships. Each member is to define his or her own abstinence. Greater female attendance, some “women only” meetings, and sexual or social anorexia meetings, LGBTG friendly. Meetings for offenders in larger metropolitan areas. International on line and telephone meetings including meetings dealing with cross addictions (sex addition and other addictions)

Sexual Recovery Anonymous (SRA)
National: (212) 340-4650
12 step programs similar to SA except “committed relationship” is used instead of “marriage”. These meetings are limited in number but open to everyone in sexual recovery.

 

Suggested Reading:

In the Shadows of the Net: Breaking Free of Compulsive Online Sexual Behavior [Paperback], Patrick Carnes Ph.D. (Author), David L. Delmonico Ph.D. (Author), Elizabeth Griffin M.A. (Author), Joseph Moriarity (Author)

 Cybersex Exposed: Simple Fantasy or Obsession? by Jennifer Schneider; and Robert Weiss [paperback]

 Untangling the Web: Sex, Porn, and Fantasy Obsession in the Internet Age [Paperback] Robert Weiss (Author), Jennifer P. Schneider (Author)

More than Desire: Hope for Women in the Shadows of Pornography by Ashley Weis [paperback]

 

There are several residential treatment programs throughout the United States that specialize in sexual addiction treatment. Please go the right hand column on this web page and scroll down to the Sex Addiction links . Or visit the links page on this web site: https://www.mkrecoverycoaching.com/?page_id=162

This test was reprinted from http://www.sexualrecovery.com/resources/self-tests/csat.php . The Sexual Recovery Institute, since 1995 has been helping people from all over the world overcome sexual addiction. SRI offers a number of options for sex addiction treatment, porn addiction treatment, and treatment for other related sexual issues.

 

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