Category Archives: Addiction Recovery Posts

posts about addiction and the recovery process

“Why would anyone harm themselves?” – Non Suicidal Self Injury, Self Mutilation or Cutting – Part 1

This week’s guest blog is posted by Naghma Khan, a Clinical & Addictions Psychologist in India, she writes the blog:  http://unwrappingminds.wordpress.com/

The million dollar question you might ask is “Who am I & what am I doing writing this blog?” I am a clinical psychologist with a purpose. When I decided to study psychology, it was also due to the fact that my country has only two respected professions, Medicine or Engineering. In a way, my folks were disappointed by my choice. At that young age I didn’t care much about the opinions of others, I had a fire inside me and I believed I could change the world. I started studying psychology with zeal and had an amazing time learning the science of behavior. I completed my Masters in Clinical Psychology and then attained a certification from Rehabilitation Council of India for practicing Psychology. I finally became a psychologist but thought nobody was taking me seriously. I started with a special school where I was supposed to just “take care” of the clients. The frustrations started building up; I had to do something else. I found a job in a renowned hospital as a consulting psychologist. This was the job where I learned the basics of counseling. I then joined an addiction center and bingo; I found the field I have a passion for.

Tina had a friend who used to show up with different kinds of marks on her hands or feet. This friend used to really cover her body well, which Tina presumed was because of religious reasons or parental pressure. Sometimes, they resembled burn marks, while most of the time they were cut marks. Tina used to think her friend was accident prone but after a few years she started connecting the dots. She understood that there was something ‘not right’ with her friend. Tina started researching and she discovered Non Suicidal Self Injury or ‘NSSI’.

Now, because of the lack of research in this field there are different terms or synonyms floating around for NSSI, cutting, self mutilation, self harm and self inflicted violence. Actually there very little difference between these terms, let’s try to understand the behavior in a better way:

• Self Injury is the act of physically hurting yourself on purpose without the intent of committing suicide. It is a method of coping during an emotionally difficult time that helps some people temporarily feel better because they have a way to physically express and release the tension and the pain they hold inside. In other people hurting themselves produces chemical changes, or endorphins, which are the same chemicals that cause a “runners high” in their bodies that make them, feel happier and more relaxed.

• Emotionally or verbally punishing yourself isn’t self-injury, instead it’s what a lot of people call negative self-talk.

• Unprotected sex, getting a piercing or a tattoo for the pain of the act or starving yourself all are self-destructive but they’re not necessarily self-injury.

• Emotional cutters are people who injure themselves on purpose by making scratches or cuts on their body with a sharp object.

• Self-harm includes self-injury (as described above) and self-poisoning is defined as the intentional, the direct injuring of body tissue most often done without suicidal intentions.

• The most common form of self-harm is skin-cutting but self-harm also covers a wide range of behaviors including, but not limited to, burning, scratching, banging or hitting body parts, interfering with wound healing, hair-pulling and the ingestion of toxic substances or objects.

I thought for this article I would use the term ‘Self Mutilation’ but then I found the correct term is ‘Non-Suicidal Self Injury’ (NSSI). Aaron D. McClelland points out, “The term self-mutilation is an antiquated and misapplied descriptor for NSSI that it speaks to intent, however, the vast majority of those who self-injure their intent is for affect regulation, not to cause disfigurement. Many in the self-injury support community consider the term “self-mutilation” to be derogatory, hurtful and only adds to the mythology of the disorder. Most prefer the term self-injury or self-harm.”

In this post I will use NSSI but the title also includes self mutilation and cutting because there are few people who understand and know the proper term is NSSI. If you are one of those who have not seen or heard about it the first question that will crop up in your mind is going to be: “Why anyone will do so, as in harm oneself?”

This is a story from a recovering NSSI person: “Because of my chronic abuse, I began to self injure myself. It was a way to forget about all the pain that was eating me alive. I first began doing this about the age of 8. I would beat my hands with a hammer or take a hot iron and iron my hands or stomach. That worked for a little while and the burns and bruises were easy to cover up. As time passed and the abuse kept on, ironing and beating myself didn’t give me enough pain anymore, so then I began cutting along with the burning and beating. To see the wounds made the pain inside not seem so real. You may say ‘didn’t it hurt?’ My answer would be no! I didn’t feel anything, because the pain inside was just too intense and I had to numb myself to all pain. I didn’t love anyone, not even myself!”

Studies conducted by Nock and Prinstein (in 2004 and 2005) suggest that there are four primary reasons for engaging in NSSI behaviors:

1) to reduce negative emotions,
2) to feel “something” besides numbness or emptiness,
3) to avoid certain social situations, and
4) to receive social support.

Although instances of all of these reasons for Non Suicidal Self Injury (NSSI) are apparent, a common misconception is that NSSI is primarily a form of social manipulation. In reality, a number of studies have found that the primary reason for NSSI is reason number one: to reduce negative emotion. This seems like such a bizarre reason! How is it that inflicting physical pain or injury could be used to deal with emotional pain? Despite how paradoxical this may seem, people most often report the following reasons for using NSSI: to stop bad feelings, to relieve feelings of loneliness, emptiness, or isolation, to distract from other problems, to decrease feelings of rage, to release tension, or to control racing thoughts.

Candance shares, “I’ve worked with adolescents in the foster care system in Orange County, California, for the past 17 years and most often teens who engage in self-mutilation or cutting are not trying to kill themselves. Instead they find superficial cutting relieves the internal emotional pain they are feeling. It’s like releasing a valve that is built up with pressure, as the emotional pain dissolves they feel better. The children who tend to engage in this behavior are often the ones who won’t talk to others about their pain or problems, but rather let it build up internally, which leads to the cutting. This behavior is also contagious, a child who witnesses a peer engaging in the behavior, may try it as well.”

Written by Naghma Khan, a Clinical & Addictions Psychologist in India, she writes the blog: http://unwrappingminds.wordpress.com/

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It is that time of year, April 15!

Blog post by Melissa Killeen, MSOD

“Do not wait until the conditions are perfect to begin. Beginning makes the conditions perfect.” — Alan Cohen

It is a fact that financial difficulties and incompatibility in money matters are one of the leading causes for tension, divorce, and the breakup of many families. Even for those of us who are single, it’s an acute cause of stress, over indulgence in substances or behavioral acting out.

At this particular time of the year, many of us are smarting because it’s time to pay the piper (IRS). In addition, we are receiving the inevitable notices of fees for everything from mortgages to insurances and homeowners taxes. It’s a great time to grab the bull by the horns and get serious about your budget.

There is help available for this on the internet and the office supply stores sell many different versions of budgeting books or software you can buy. If you want to be thrifty, design your own sheets and make a year’s worth of copies to keep in a folder. I learned everything I needed to know by going to a regional Debtors Anonymous (DA) convention ( http://www.debtorsanonymous.org/ ). On the advice of local DA’s I developed a spending plan.

Recognizing your spending numbers and developing a spending plan:
Total the amounts you paid out for last year’s bills in every category (including all expenses necessary for your survival: annual or bi-annual bills, monthly bills such as the rent, cell phones, utilities, gasoline, commuting costs, various insurances, taxes, co-payments to doctors and dentists, estimated car repairs, etc.), divide them by twelve, and the resulting sum will be the amount you have to save each month in order to have the funds available when those items come due. Then write down how much you spent this year on clothes, dry cleaning, Net-Flix, vacations, hair cuts, Starbucks and lunch. Divide this amount by 12 months, and then by four weeks. In doing this you will know what you can spend each week, then break it down to how much you can spend per day, and hold yourself accountable! Software developed for this purpose, like Quicken creates a report like this at the click of a button.

It is a good idea to deposit this “must have” money in a savings account or an interest bearing checking account that you do not carry around the debit card attached to it. As you save each month the sum will grow and leaving it in a debit card/checking account may tempt you to believe that you have more spendable income then you really do. This can be arranged with your employer’s payroll department very simply. To add this new account to your electronic deposit option requires one form requesting a voided check or the bank routing number, the account number and the amount you want deposited into that account on each pay day.

Is this an addiction?
Traversing the slippery slope of frequent credit card use and over spending can be equated to the dopamine/adrenaline surge from an addiction or hi-risk behavior. Some of the good excuses you may use are that you use credit cards for all financial transactions because you don’t like to carry a checkbook (my partner) or you like receiving those bonus points periodically, for a free airplane trip (like me). Whatever the reason, you may also be among those who hold their breath or even wait a few days, before opening the bill with the bad news.
Have you ever heard yourself exclaim any of the following…

• Holy s–t! Where did this come from? (Denial)

• How did this get away from me again? (Shame)

• How can I keep this from my spouse (or partner)? (Guilt)

What can I do?
You know that overcharging is easy, yet it causes some serious stress. Just about this time of year, you probably have had enough of it; here are some excellent motivational tools to finally put an end to it:

• Consider an electronic bank account with on line bill paying and ensure the account has options which can merge with a Quicken or similar accounting software package. Most older, more established accounts can be transferred to this electronic option. An electronic bank account makes it easy to check your banking account daily, just like checking your emails. Bookmark this checking account in your favorites, next to Linked In or Facebook. Electronic accounts also have options to send you emails to notify you if your balance is low, or when your pay checks have been deposited.

• If you are not comfortable with a web based checking account, do it the old fashioned way: on a simple notepad or in an Excel spreadsheet. Microsoft has home accounting software in the new Office 2010 version. Write down the amount of every charge on the same day that you make it. Keep a running subtotal for the entire month. (Make sure you subtotal each new charge, which is the main point here!) Check your bank account daily. Now, whenever you start out the door to go shopping, you will know exactly how much you have left to spend on necessities (groceries and gas), and after the final total you will know what’s left for the little splurges we all like to treat ourselves to.

• Do not trust yourself to keep your totals in your head without writing it down! Memory is a tricky thing and easily influenced to escape reality (in other words when you are filled by a strong desire for some tempting purchase). It is easy to fool yourself into thinking you have got more money to spend than you do. A friend keeps her credit card in a little envelope or sleeve. Attached to that sleeve she has a post-it, on which she jots down the transaction or stuffs the the receipt into the sleeve.

• Use a debit card, instead of a credit card, transactions are immediately withdrawn and tallied on your statement. Remove credit cards from your wallet, and store them in a safe place at home.

• Pay attention to your fees:

  • Credit card Interest charges, look at how much this costs you a month, vow to reduce it by 10% each month.
  • Bank Fees, bounced checks, stop payments etc, again, vow to reduce these every month by 10%.

In one year this practice will pay off big time, in two years you can really see your growth in lowering your fees and debt, in three years you will probably think that you will never return to your old ways.

So, to stop the stress, since you are going through your annual spending this month, re-read this blog a few times. Take small steps. Maybe a Debtors Anonymous meeting is a good place to start; veteran DA members join with newcomers to help establish a spending plan with them. Pick one thing on this blog and do it this week, next week select another and so on. Be responsible, get out of your denial, check your bank account daily and keep it honest!

Melissa Killeen is an executive coach that blends the powerful forces of recovery with guiding and leading entrepreneurs to achieve their highest goals. This blog was influenced by Heidi Grant Halvorson’s Peeling the Onion blog from December 2010.
Melissa can be contacted at: melissakilleen@mkrecoverycoaching.com
Please visit her web site: https://www.mkrecoverycoaching.com/

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Codependency | An Addict’s Perfect Partnership

A guest blog written by Rachael – author and owner of http://www.RecoveringYou.com
A message from Rachel: “I don’t write here from theory. I write here as the wife of an addict, as someone raised by an addict. I write here from experience and I write here from my place of truth. I write here from the place of my own recovery, and the recovery of my husband – nearly 4 years clean.”

Codependency is a term often used in relation to the partner or spouse of an addict. There is reasoning that to stay and tolerate the destructive behaviors and actions of an addict in a relationship, that codependency must be present.

So what is codependency?

Codependency is defined as taking an excessively passive, controlling or care taking role in your relationship with another.

When someone is codependent they tend to spend the majority of their effort in their relationship, monitoring, controlling and attempting to enhance the feelings of someone they love. If a person is in a codependent relationship, there exists an imbalance that is both unhealthy, and ultimately destructive to the codependent whose self esteem, needs and self worth are sacrificed for that of the other person’s.

How does codependency show up in your relationship with an addict?

You might believe that they won’t cope on their own without you, that you are their only chance of recovery. You may feel that if you can just keep helping them, they will find their way eventually. Or you might believe that you have done things that make them want to drink, take drugs or gamble, and that if only you were a better partner they might not do it as much. You will likely diminish or deny your feelings about their problem, or the effects it is having on you.

Your main aim is to keep them happy, and make life as simple and stress free as possible for them, in the hope that it reduces the need for them to indulge in their addiction. Nothing that you need to do to keep the peace or provide for your partner is considered too much. The more you can do, the more validation you hope for. But it tends to backfire as your efforts are unappreciated or noticed by someone whose prevailing thoughts are on getting their next fix.

So you are probably failing miserably on all accounts and that makes you want to try even harder.

You are in a cycle of codependency. And isn’t going to save anyone.

Codependents believe that they are acting out of compassion and often become martyrs to the cause of their addict. Their intentions are good.

But in fact, if anything, you are enabling and you are protecting your addict from facing the full ugliness of their addiction as you provide excuses, deny the impact of their actions and let them continue to use you as their source of comfort while giving back nothing.

Codependency can be hard to identify because we often think we are just being selfless, caring and loving. We feel noble for loving someone at his or her worst. I never would have identified with being codependent but I see in hindsight that I definitely had codependent patterns which I always thought were me just being too nice for my own good. And I was right in a way.

It is known through research that a codependent person will probably have been raised to think that setting themselves aside for others is part of being in a relationship. Messages of this ilk can be strong in family situations, particularly if you were raised by an addicted parent. We learn to keep quiet, make peace, do what they ask and work around their addiction in any way possible. But there is a major difference to loving in these ways, and giving away who we are, for the sake of a relationship and the other person in it.

Are you operating with any of the following?

1. Desperate for approval
2. Uncomfortable being strong or assertive
3. Wanting to control others
4. Basing self worth on the approval of others
5. Denying or diminishing feelings
6. Struggling to make decisions in fear of upsetting others
7. Giving up interests, friends or hobbies for the sake of others
8. Feeling unnecessarily responsible for your loved ones actions
9. Mistaking the need to rescue someone, with loving them
10. Confusing being needed for being loved
11. Giving more of yourself than the people you love give back to you
12. Feeling upset when people don’t notice how much you are giving
13. Avoiding abandonment by staying in unhealthy relationships

You may be codependent and it is time to reset the habits that are causing you (and your addict) harm.

You are not wrong in wanting love, validation and respect. We all want these things.

But you must look to yourself first to find them. An addict is certainly incapable of giving you these things, while they are struggling to have them for themselves and in life your best guarantee of being given the appreciation you deserve is to expect it from yourself.

The opposite of codependency is to become the designer and director of YOUR life first. You can not, and do not need to, control any other life except you own and when you redirect the energy you have given away to living in someone else’s shadow back to YOU, the possibilities are endless and incredible.

You can be the most honest, loving and loyal person in your life.
And today is the day to begin getting to know that fabulous person.

So what do YOU want? Who do YOU want to be? What are YOUR needs and desires? And how will YOU make sure they are met?

A guest blog written by Rachael – author and owner of http://www.RecoveringYou.com

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