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  • Relapse Prevention: Negative Self-Talk, the Warning Sign of a Relapse

    This week’s guest blog is written by Sean Leadem, MSW, CSAT, CMAT, Leadem Counseling Services, Toms River, NJ

    Shawn is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in New Jersey and Virginia with a Master’s Degree in Social Work from Radford University. Through his specialized training by Dr. Patrick Carnes, Shawn has received his certification as a Sexual Addiction Therapist and a Multiple Addictions Therapist by the International Institute for Trauma & Addiction Professionals. Shawn is a contributing author to the publication An Ounce of Prevention: A Course in Relapse Prevention and Co-Director of the Relapse Prevention Intensive. His lifelong exposure to the “recovery culture” and his personal recovery experience has left him with a deep personal empathy for the social and emotional suffering endured by others and a strong faith in a person’s ability to change.

    This article is the first in a series focusing on relapse prevention tools. More relapse prevention tools will be featured in an upcoming publication entitled: Ounce of Prevention: A Relapse Prevention Guide. The publication’s approach to identifying and intervening on personal relapse triggers or self-defeating behaviors will help you develop a plan for preventing relapse and enhancing the quality of your recovery. The publication challenges the traditional notion that relapse is an event, and advocates relapse is a process and clearly highlights the roadside warnings that can caution you about the slippery slope you may be on.

     
    Relapse is identified by the phases we experience prior to sliding down the slippery slope into the murky pond with a deep dark bottom. One of the many strategies for intervening on the phases of relapse is learning to identify the first phase in the relapse process : Emotional Discomfort.

     
    To introduce this phase called Emotional Discomfort, I begin by referring to an old 12 Step saying. It goes something like this,

    “If you want to know what ‘the drug’ will do to you, keep ‘using it’ and you will find out. If you want to know what it is doing for you, you need to stop ‘using it’.”

     

    The first part of the saying is self-explanatory; it isreferring to the consequences one will pay because of their unbridled addiction. The second part of the saying makes reference to the fact that one’s “drug of choice” will be used to numb some emotional pain that will resurface when abstinence is secured. It is the wisdom of this saying that helps to show the reason for using mood-altering drugs is to, alter one’s mood.

     

    Some form of emotional discomfort is in every recovering addict; however, emotional discomfort appears differently in different people. One of the ways in which emotional discomfort can be identified is in “negative self-talk”. Negative self-talk is negative internal dialogue we use to view the world, explain situations and communicate to ourselves that focuses our attention on what we believe to be wrong with us or wrong with our life. Negative self-talk is a challenge for many of us.

     
    Whether you are new to recovery or have struggled with relapse, it is likely that you have experienced “negative self talk” and consider it a challenge or defect of character. If you have indulged in negative self-talk, you undoubtedly understand the power it has to diminish hope, evaporate self-esteem, and threaten your resolve to remain sober. Negative self-talk can be quite seductive. When we begin embracing statements such as “I have nothing to offer in this relationship” or “people will always disappoint you”, the seductive power of this negative dialogue takes over. Where does it come from? Negative self-talk comes from the comfort or the “familiarity” it brings to you and from the illusion of “protection” this talk may offer you (e.g. to protect you from hurt or abandonment). While most will agree negative self-talk lacks logic or reason, we find ourselves self-degrading before others get a chance to do so, as if it is going to be a protective shield! Does negative self-talk insulate us from criticism or rejection? So why, if it makes no sense, if it does not protect us from rejection, or does not feel good, why do we use it?

     
    Clinical experience suggests that much of the data for negative self-talk is acquired during our youth when we are the most impressionable and egocentric. Egocentrism, defined as regarding one’s self as being at the center of all things, is a normal part of childhood development. It is normal for a child to view the world and the adults as somehow being related to them. A child is likely to internalize the pain or chaos that is happening around them and would think – “what is wrong with me?” or “what did I do wrong?”

     

    If being impressionable and egocentric are parts of a child’s development why do the messages still hold such power in a recovering adult’s life today? When one becomes dependent on mood altering drugs or experiences, they stunt their development and rob themselves of the opportunity to address the original messages they received and resolve these messages as an adult. Additionally, the older the messages are, the more power they tend to have and as a result, they are more difficult to change. Therefore, it is important to act quickly when the negative self-talk begins or risk succumbing to the seduction it has to offer.

     

    This tool, What’s Your Proof?, is designed to address the seductive elements of negative self-talk. This tool will help you recognize that the people who might have contributed to your library of negative self-talk, were hurt people and that you were a victim of their pain, you suffered from collateral damage from their dysfunction – you were not the cause of it.This tool is broken down into five sections.

    1. In the first section, you are asked to identify one negative self-talk phrase or perception that is currently causing you injury.
    2. Second, identify the “author” (e.g. caretaker, sibling, neighbor) you learned this perception from and/or who in your life would likely have agreed with the perception (e.g. caretaker, siblings, co-workers).
    3. In the third section, you are asked to come up with the proof to support the “author’s” perception.
    4. In the fourth and final section, you are asked to examine the author’s story and look into their lives and discover what would have hurt them so badly as to cause them to project onto you, this negative attribute.
    5. Lastly, ask, “What’s your proof that ___________?

    If you are having difficulty completing this exercise or find that is bringing up great emotional pain, please seek out professional help and allow them to guide you through it. Once you have completed this exercise we encourage you to bring it to your support group, including your sponsor for feedback and encouragement.

    Written by:
    Sean Leadem, MSW, CSAT, CMAT
    Leadem Counseling & Consulting Services, PC
    http://www.leademcounseling.com/

    Corporate Headquarters
    668 Commons Way, Bldg. I –
    Toms River, NJ 08755
    732-797-1444 | Email: leadom@comcast.net

    And

    Leadem Counseling & Consulting Services
    NCADD of Middlesex County, Inc.
    152 Tices Lane
    East Brunswick, NJ 08816
    Phone Number: 732-307-7387
    Email: lccs@leademcounseling.com

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  • Great Life in Recovery Free Teleseminar May 16, 2012 at 3 pm ET, Noon PT “How to Sterilize a Room”

    In May, join moderator Justin Phillips and her guest Melissa Killeen, in a discussion on “How to Sterilize a Room”.

     

    As a recovery coach, Melissa Killeen is often called to clean or ‘sterilize’ a client’s residence, from addictive substances. To ‘sterilize’ a room means to search it thoroughly, find any drugs, alcohol, or other contraband, record it, and destroy it. This process is drawn from procedures used by law enforcement for searching crimes scenes.

     

    Melissa will guide the listener from the  point of entry, through the methodical steps of searching a room, apartment or residence to discover contraband. What do you do with what you find? She will explain the legal requirements surrounding the destruction of the recovered contents.

     

    Who:  Melissa Killeen

    What:  How to Sterilize a Room

    Date:  Wednesday – May 16, 2012

    Time:  3pm Eastern, Noon Pacific

    Phone:  1-760- 569-7676  Access Code: 135766#

    Back up Phone Line:  1-712-775-7100 Access Code: 452450#

    Melissa Killeen is a recovery coach, since 2006, with training in executive coaching. She owns MK Recovery Coaching and works with executives, entrepreneurs, and small business owners that emerge from treatment and find themselves returning to the same life that  contributed to their addiction, in the first place. Melissa works with clients to rebuild their life in sobriety and to repair the effects the disease has had on their business and family. You can contact her at melissakilleen@mkrecoverycoaching.com. After the presentation, a copy of the presentation will appear on her blog, at  https://www.mkrecoverycoaching.com.

     

    Wondering what is Recovery Coaching. Are you interested in networking with other coaches? Do you need a Recovery Coach? The Great Life in Recovery Special Interest Group is the right place to start. We provide platforms like this tele-seminar for coaches to learn more about Recovery Coaching and to network with other coaches. Please join us…all are welcome.

     

    Check out Recovery Coaches International at http://www.recoverycoaching.org. We are a growing community of coaches who support recovery from all kinds of addictions.

    Subscribe to the Recovery Coach Listserve by sending a blank email to: RecoveryCoaches-subscribe@yahoogroups.com.

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  • 20 questions to finish your 8th and 9th step

    The 8th and 9th steps are the most challenging part of your 12 step journey. This blog is about making it as straight forward as possible to complete.

    By the time you get to steps eight and nine, as J. Keith Miller suggests in his book Compelled to Control you have let go of your deep aversion to revealing any reality that may be perceived as less than perfect. By step eight, the walls of denial have begun to crumble. You need to see more clearly what happened that bruised the relationship with that certain person you need to make an amends to. At least with me, the beginning of the eighth step process was filled with projecting my denied anger, need to control, justify onto the other person. I was ‘willing’ to make an amends and I knew I didn’t want it to be all about what the other person did to me.

    So, after facing all my shameful stuff from step four, I had to revisit that process in preparing to make amends to this certain person. I HAD TO LET GO. I had to let go of all the things I thought this person had done to me, I had to stop taking this person’s inventory, I had to realize I wasn’t responsible for what other people did. But I was still asking ‘How do I do this?’

    Enter Cinnie Noble. Cinnie is a conflict coach from Toronto, Canada. Every week she writes a blog on how to handle conflict. A couple of weeks ago she posted the perfect eight step blog, without her really knowing it! So, I thanked Cinnie for her wisdom and borrowed the first 10 questions from her blog Reconciling Differences . I renamed her post to ‘Letting Go’ and posted onto my blog last week.
    As I began answering Cinnie’s 10 questions, I could feel the release of my projection, denial, anger, need to control, justify and thoughts of being rescued around this situation, as well as many other disputes.

    Do you need to complete an eighth step? Sit down and answer these 10 questions:

    1. What specifically are you not letting go about that specific dispute?
    2. Using the answer from #1, what is particularly significant for you about that specific
    thing or things?
    3. What is the impact on you about not letting go of a specific thing or things?
    4. What impact do you think this (not letting go) has on the other person?
    5. What are you gaining from not letting go?
    6. What are you loosing from not letting go?
    7. If you think or feel it’s not necessary to let go or you don’t want to forget or the memory remains for other reasons, what are you holding onto about this matter?
    And for what reason(s)?
    8. What would letting go of that thing (or those things) be like for you?
    9. What impact would letting go have on the other person?
    10. In what ways does the memory you have of this situation reflect something you are not letting go about a previous situation (or situations) too?

    Now, you have become willing to do the ninth step. Feel it? Acknowledge it. Breathe into it.
    Next, think about the disconnect or the reason you didn’t communicate on the same level with this person you want to make an amends to. What were other factors that made you step away from the situation, relationship or person you ‘think’ you could make an amends to. Think about the ‘disconnect’ and answer Cinnie’s next series of questions:

    1. How may you describe the disconnect between you and the other person?
    2. How may you describe the disconnect within you?
    3. What does that feel like for you? What do you observe that the disconnection is like for the other person?
    4. How badly do you want to be reconnected on a scale of 1-5, 1 being very little and 5
    being very much?
    5. About what may the two of you still be connected?
    6. What will connection look like when you achieve it?
    7. What do you need, right now, to reconnect?
    8. How do you want to feel about the other person when this occurs? How do you want
    him or her to feel about you?
    9. How do you want to feel within you and about yourself?
    10. How may you salvage these connections in the future when you begin to disconnect
    from yourself and the other person?

    Do you think you are ready for the ninth step? Jot down some brief notes about what you have discovered about yourself, not the other person. Maybe, include all of your answers to the last 20 questions.
    Engage in a conversation about your experience answering these 20 questions with this person. That’s what I did! I miraculously did a ninth step and gained much more knowledge about myself than I ever expected.

    Thank you to J Keith Miller, author of Compelled to Control, Facing Co-dependence and Hunger for Healing and many thanks to Cinnie Noble and her blog on Conflict Resolution that appears on http://www.cinergycoaching.com and her book Conflict Management Coaching: The CINERGY™ Model

    Melissa Killeen is a recovery coach for executive and entrepreneurs in recovery; interested in repairing the damage their addiction has had on their work-life, business and relationships. Her web site https://www.mkrecoverycoaching.com features weekly blogs on the recovery process.

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