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Thinking about mistakes from the past

Melissa Killeen

One of my clients, Caroline, is a brilliant woman who has hit bottom, very, very hard. She is an Ivy League-educated woman, mother of three, and the wife of a wealthy professional in the suburbs of Chicago. But unfortunately, she drinks. After two years in and out of five rehabs, of countless detox stays, restraining orders and divorce proceedings, she is now 8-weeks sober and living in a homeless shelter in the city center of Chicago. She is working with a family reunification therapist to slowly piece together the relationship she lost with her teen-aged children. Caroline expressed to me that she is afraid her past actions have permanently affected her children, so much so that they will reject her and hate her, forever:

“I am having an especially hard time with my “past mistakes.” The Daily Reflections yesterday spoke to me about leaving the past baggage behind, which of course I would love to do, but it’s hard. I feel terrible and ashamed of the things I did. I try to stay in the present but right now, in the family therapy sessions, my past mistakes are coming up in such big ways and will continue to do so when I see my children in supervised therapy. I can’t imagine what they think of me, a homeless drunk. I don’t know how to help them put the past behind, but I guess that’s what the therapist is for.”

I shared with Caroline some thoughts about having an especially hard time with mistakes from the past. Sometimes, I told her, how we deal with our personal mistakes is by beating ourselves up, by not letting go of a mistake we have made and/or worrying about what other people think about that mistake. Yet, in our recovery, we have an opportunity to let go of those old tapes. However, the tapes that are playing, over and over, in our heads, are actually old tapes from our childhood, remembering how our parents treated us when we made a mistake. Perhaps they “beat us up” either emotionally or physically, or both. Well, it is time to let those old tapes go, because they were never about you and the mistake you made. They were really about your parents who were triggered by your actions into reliving the mistakes they made, and then reacting to them.

Not letting go is part of our addiction. Let’s say this: we are hardwired for compulsive thought. It is part of us, and in our sobriety our compulsive thought is switched from one focusing on drugs and alcohol (or work, sex, gambling or purchasing things) to something more productive and positive. Just as you are successfully turning off the compulsive thought about using or acting out, it’s time to switch off the compulsive thought about not being good enough and beating up yourself over your past mistakes. You can use these slogans: “Let go, let God,” “lesson learned,” “what is in the past is in the past.” They should be the new words, the new mantra you use to combat these destructive and negative tapes.

What do other people think about your mistakes? Research proves they think very little about your mistakes. Yes, I know it is your kids, your husband and/or your parents and you worry about what they think of you or how they judge you. But honestly, that same research shows people really don’t spend that much time thinking about you. As much as you think they do, they don’t. Your kids are thinking about what to wear to school, what the new girl in history class thought about what them, or your husband is concerned about the bills or the next Harvard Alumni meeting. The fact is your neighbors don’t think about you at all! Yes, maybe a little gossip in the parking lot of the school, but truly, that two-minute exchange is dwarfed by them worrying about what people think of them. So let that go. People care about themselves. They think about themselves. (Just like you are thinking about yourself, right now?)

Now here is the most important part of my conversation with Caroline. “I don’t know how to help them put the past behind them.” Caroline is a co-dependent. She is always doing, doing for others. She has placed herself behind her husband, his business, and her children for more than twenty years. It got her a little angry sometimes, and so she drank. Well, things got a little out of hand when she began drinking alcoholically. Caroline thinks she can help her kids put the past behind them. But, she can’t. That is her kids’ job. Yes, she recognizes that a therapist can help her children. But still she wants to do their job for them. No she can’t rob her children of this opportunity. The life lesson her kids will learn about putting things in the past and forgiving, will be one of the biggest “Ah-ha” moments they will have.

I explained to Caroline the only way that she will be in her kids lives going forward is if she is sober. She said she knew that. The only way she can help her children put the past behind them, is by emulating that for them, by doing a 9th step, by making her amends. She seemed to digest that comment. Today, she had a lengthy session with the reunification therapist, so I am hoping Caroline will call me tonight.

July 17, 2014
10 Things I Can Do When I Need to Fight Fair

Melissa Killeen

The following is a new post about my continuing journey with a particular client, its focus is on how he might have better conversations with his girlfriend, even when they start out as hot-headed disagreements and potentially explosive discussions.

In the last post, my client and I discussed some ground rules for fighting fair. I suggested he speak to his girlfriend after making up from a previous argument, and discuss with her how to resolve difficult topics in a healthier manner. I also proposed they establish some common ground rules.

He asked if he should show his girlfriend this blog post, and I felt that would be a great opening to their discussion of setting new guidelines for healthy conversations. When both of them accept these ground rules for managing heated dialogues, then positive resolutions will become more likely.

Fight Fair Guidelines
I advised the client to take pen and paper to write down his answers to the following 10 guidelines, and then review them before he anticipates a heated discussion:

1. Before you begin, ask yourself, “What exactly is bothering me? What do I want the other person to do or not do? Are my feelings in proportion to the issue? Or is there something under these feelings that I am not seeing that makes this a colossal issue?”

2. Know what your goals are before you begin. Understanding that all discussions are an exercise in give and take, what are the possible outcomes that could be acceptable to you? Write them down.

3. Remember that the idea is not to win but to come to a mutually satisfying solution to the problem. What would be a mutually satisfying solution for you?

4. Set a time for a discussion with your partner or colleague. It should be as soon as possible but agreeable to both persons. Springing a conversation on someone when they are unprepared may leave them feeling like they have to fend off an attack. If you encounter resistance to setting a time, try to help the other person see that the problem is important to you. Set an appropriate location for the talk. If it’s a work colleague you want to talk with and you work in a cubicle farm, reserve a conference room. If you are at home, select a time after the kids go to bed, or early on a weekend morning, before they wake up.

5. Write the problem down on a piece of paper. State the problem clearly. At first, try to stick to the facts; then, once you’ve stated the facts, state your feelings (also write these down on paper). Use “I” messages to describe feelings of anger, hurt, or disappointment. Avoid “you” messages such as, “you make me angry. . .” instead, try something like, “I feel angry when you . . .” Understand the power of body language, sit next to this person, do not point your index finger at them, attempt not to cross your arms over your chest, or place your hands on your hips and keep approximately four feet between you at all times.

6. Invite the other person to share his or her point of view. Be careful not to interrupt, and genuinely try to hear his or her concerns and feelings. Repeat or restate (paraphrase) what you heard in a way that lets your partner know you fully understood, and ask your partner to do the same for you.

7. Walk a mile in their moccasins. Try to take the other person’s perspective; that is, try to see the problem through his or her eyes. The opposing viewpoint can make sense to you, even if you don’t agree with it.

8. Propose specific solutions, (write these down ahead of time) and invite the other person to propose solutions, too.

9. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of each proposal.

10. Be willing to compromise. Allowing the other person only one option will make it difficult to resolve the concern. When you reach an agreement on a way forward, celebrate! Decide together on a time to check-in, discuss how things are working, and make changes to your agreement if necessary. Some people have the type of personality that thinks about important issues, twice as long as you do. These folks are still brilliant people, but they just are not comfortable coming to a quick resolution. So, if no solution has been reached regarding the original problem, schedule a time to revisit the issue and continue the discussion later.

When Nothing Seems to Work
Sometimes, despite our best fair-fighting efforts, a disagreement or conflict seems insurmountable. When this occurs, talking with a trained professional can help. A trained mediator, marriage and family therapist or conflict-resolution coach can help you communicate more effectively and eventually work your way through to a solution. Here are some books that may help as well:

The Dance of Anger: A Woman’s Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships by Harriet Lerner. HarperCollins, 1997.

Hostage at the Table: How Leaders Can Overcome Conflict, Influence Others, and Raise Performance by George Kohlrieser. Jossey-Bass Publishing, 2006.

Communication Miracles for Couples: Easy and Effective Tools to Create More Love and Less Conflict by Jonathan Robinson, Conari Press, 2012

Messages: The Communication Book by Matthew McKay, Martha Davis, and Patrick Fanning. New Harbinger Publications, 1995.

Love is Never Enough: How Couples Can Overcome Misunderstandings, Resolve Conflicts, and Solve Relational Problems Through Cognitive Therapy by Aaron T. Beck. Harper Perennial, 1989.

Fighting the Good Fight: Learning to Deal with Conflict Constructively in Permanent Partners: Building Gay and Lesbian Relationships that Last (pgs. 169-200) by Betty Berzon. Plume, 2004.

July 8, 2014
How do I fight fair?
Melissa Killeen

The following is a new post about my continuing journey with a particular client, its focus on how he might have better conversations with his girlfriend, even when they start out as hot-headed disagreements and potentially explosive discussions.

First, I asked my client to describe what kind of person he is. Does he like a good debate? How does he conduct himself in an adversarial discussion? Does he avoid conflict at all costs? What about criticism? Does he interpret it, or disagreement, as an attack on him? Will he use a verbal dagger to stab his opponent, only to regret it later? Does he lose his head when an argument ratchets up a notch? Or does he back away, withdraw and become silent when he is angry? Is it his style to dredge up everything a person has done in the past to use as a weapon? Will he cry to get sympathy, or storm out of the room to end a discussion, all together?

In response, he laughs, and says, “at one time or another, all of the above have been characteristic of my ‘discussion’ style.” He asks, “How do I fight fair?”

Regardless of the nature of most relationships, conflict happens. For many of us, conflict creates significant discomfort, and we revert to “fall back” modes of handling it. As I mentioned in a blog post last month, it’s typical to retreat to what we learned as children, that being in a conflict situation with someone means you are going to get out of control, start acting like a child, and/or become aggressive. The truth is, conflict is a normal human component, just as normal as joy, happiness, and sadness. If handled appropriately, conflict can actually strengthen relationships, improve intimacy and our understanding of each other.

Conflict happens when two people disagree about their perceptions, desires, ideas, or values. It is not about the other person being a bad person. It is a disagreement about viewpoints. If you focus solely on the disagreement, dealing with conflict becomes easier. Fair fighting is a way to manage conflict effectively and the feelings that come with it. To fight fairly, you can follow several basic guidelines to help keep your disagreements from becoming entrenched or destructive. You may find this difficult when you think another’s point of view is irrational or just plain unfair. But remember, he or she may think the same thing about your ideas.
1. Take your conversations into a private room or office. Consider the damage that fighting in front of your children can inflict. It can scar them emotionally, especially if you don’t have the self-control to contain the conversation. An argument conducted in front of your peers will likely be destructive to your career. Moving to another location will give you the opportunity to gather your wits, and can help you remain calm. By remaining calm it is more likely that others will consider your viewpoint.
1. Keep what is in the past, in the past. Don’t bring up previous fights or heated discussions that don’t pertain to a current discussion. I have a household rule: You get one chance to criticize a behavior or action, and discuss it. Then it is gone, off limits for any discussion going forward. Throwing every complaint from the past into today’s argument resolves nothing. It is often a behavior of someone that knows they are losing credibility and uses this deflection tactic as a last defense. Storing up lots of grievances and hurt feelings over time is counterproductive. It’s almost impossible to deal with numerous old problems for which recollections may differ.
1. Talk about what is really bothering you. Vague complaints are hard to process. Stay on topic, and deal with only one issue at a time. If you don’t focus on what really bothers you, you will come away from this exchange frustrated at not having your needs met, or being heard. Avoid back-stabbing or hitting below the belt. As your blood pressure rises, you get into fight mode rather than resolution mode. Simply avoid attacking your partner personally. Saying things like “Your father always did that” or “You can’t keep it in your pants,” guarantees the conversation will deteriorate beyond the point of resolution. Attacking areas of personal sensitivity creates an atmosphere of distrust, anger, and vulnerability. Accusations will lead others to focus on defending themselves rather than on understanding you. Instead, talk about how someone’s actions made you feel.
1. Give your partner a face-saving way out of the disagreement. Avoid following them through the house, yelling at their back or screaming and kicking at a closed door (yes, that’s a form of violence!). How an argument ends is crucial. Recognize when an olive branch is being extended— perhaps in the form of an apology or a suggestion to discuss it at a later time. That’s a signal that it is time to end the discussion even if the matter is not resolved to your satisfaction. Recognizing this opens the door to resolution at another time and gives your partner that all too critical face-saving way out of the disagreement.
1. Set a time limit. Arguments should be temporary, so don’t let them get out of hand. Don’t allow the ugliness of an argument to stretch on indefinitely. Having the last word, never automatically makes you the winner. Let the last word go, walk away, and have that last word with yourself, outside or in the basement, alone.
In my next post, I’ll focus on step-by-step guidelines for fighting fair.
June 26, 2014