What Is Loneliness? Webster’s Dictionary defines loneliness as a state of solitude or being alone. But I believe loneliness to actually be a state of mind. It causes people to feel empty, alone and unwanted. People who are lonely crave human interaction, but their state of mind makes it difficult to socialize or make connections with others.
Loneliness is not about being physically alone. Instead, loneliness is the perception of being alone. A new employee might feel lonely despite being surrounded by colleagues and bosses. A soldier might experience loneliness upon returning home after being deployed abroad. Or a new college student may perceive being alone, despite being in the keg line at a frat party.
The state of loneliness is an emotional one, in which a person experiences a powerful feeling of emptiness and isolation. It is more than the feeling of needing company or wanting to do something with another person. Loneliness is a feeling of being cut off, disconnected and alienated from other people. The lonely person may find it difficult, or even impossible, to have any form of meaningful human contact. People who are lonely often experience a subjective sense of inner emptiness or hollowness, accompanied by those feelings of separation or isolation from the world.
How did I get so lonely? People can experience loneliness for many reasons, and many life events are associated with it. The lack of friendships during childhood and adolescence, or the physical absence of meaningful people are causes for loneliness or the seeking of extreme degrees of isolation. At the same time, loneliness may be a symptom of another social or psychological problem, for example, chronic depression, for which professional help should be sought.
Many individuals experience loneliness for the first time when they are left alone as an infant. It is also a very common consequence of divorce or the breakup of any important long-term relationship. In these cases, it may stem both from the loss of a specific person and the withdrawal from social circles caused by the event, as well as the associated sadness. Loneliness can also be attributed to low self-esteem. People who lack confidence in themselves often believe that they are unworthy of positive attention. This can lead to the aforementioned states of isolation and chronic loneliness.
Grief also can lead to loneliness. Leaving home and going to college is an example of an event that will trigger a grief response, homesickness, both possibly resulting in loneliness. It may also occur after the birth of a child, when a spouse devotes all of his/her attention to the new baby while the other spouse grieves the loss of their adult companion. Loneliness can occur within marriages or close relationships where there is anger, resentment, or where love cannot be given or received. Other contributing factors include situational variables, such as actual physical isolation, say, after moving to a new location, and/or a divorce.
According to the results of a study of 5,000 people, loneliness is contagious. It can spread much like the flu. Loneliness can spread through groups of people via negative social interactions. More will be discussed on this topic in my future posts.
John Cacioppo, respected loneliness researcher, suggests that loneliness is becoming rampant in the United States. When polled as part of a 1984 questionnaire, respondents frequently reported having three close confidants. When the question was asked again in 2004, the most common response was zero confidants. Experts believe that it is not the quantity of social interaction that combats loneliness, but that it is the quality of such interactions. Having just three or four close friends is enough to ward off loneliness and reduce the negative health consequences associated with this state of mind, with the emphasis on close friends.
This trend is unfortunate. Are we lonelier as an outcome of our computer-generated, social-networking circles, or video game dependence, with their resulting sacrifices of good friends for just peripheral acquaintances or online social relationships? I will expand on this in my next post.
Research gathered for this post came from a blog hosted at About.com, featured in the education section entitled: Loneliness: Causes, Effects and Treatments for Loneliness by Kendra Cherry, accessible at http://psychology.about.com/od/psychotherapy/a/loneliness.htm.
More information was received from the John Cacioppo, J.H. Fowler & N.A. Christakis book: Alone in the crowd: The structure and spread of loneliness in a large social network. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. As well as the Boston Globe interview with John Cacioppo by Daniel Askt, (2008, Sept. 21). A talk with John Cacioppo: A Chicago scientist suggests that loneliness is a threat to your health. The Boston Globe is found online at www.boston.com/bostonglobe/talk with John Cacioppo. And the You Tube video of a TED talk with John Cacioppo, accessed at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_0hxl03JoA0.
I guess no one ever said “I am afraid of getting sober.” Many of us have said “no way” or “I can’t” but to articulate “I am afraid” is a bit more difficult. It takes some introspection.
Fear of the unknown is normal. And for sure, going through sobriety for someone who has been drinking, drugging or acting out for the past few decades, it is the fear of this change that is driving their inability to grasp sobriety.
Consider entering a treatment center. Even if you’ve been in and out of treatment centers for years, you are not sure you will get along with the new therapists, and you dread having a roommate. Then just as you get settled in and get used to the rhythm of the place, your 30, 60 or 90 days are up and you have to leave. Fear comes crashing down again and you become filled with anxiety. What will happen when you leave this place? The only place where you could stay safe and sober.You’ve gone through detox and sat through hours of lectures, therapy and group discussions, probed your deepest fears and reasons for using, learned and practiced coping techniques, and created a plan for your recovery. It certainly wasn’t easy, but you should feel a great deal of self-accomplishment. Your reward is to go out into the real world and return home to your family, to begin to live a clean and sober lifestyle. Easier said than done. Fear is lurking behind every corner. How will I do this? How can I cope?
Fear actually draws us in, rather than repelling us. Fear makes us alert to danger; it helps guide our decision-making process. But too much fear can be paralyzing in life, and in addiction recovery. Fear can be a precursor to relapse. Here are some of the fears common among people in recovery, along with suggestions for facing them:
#1 – I am afraid of dealing with life sober Getting sober means you replace your primary coping mechanism – drugs, alcohol, gambling, shopping, eating or acting out – with new, unfamiliar ones. This change-process can be uncomfortable, particularly for someone who is afraid of feeling their feelings and not used to dealing with those feelings sober. Will it be hard? Yes. Will it be worth it? Yes. Will sobriety be boring? A little, but it will grow on you. Is sobriety sustainable? Yes, if you don’t wallow in your feelings of fear. Staying stuck in fear generally means staying stuck in addiction.
What to Do: Nelson Mandela said, “The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.” Rather than running from it, feel the fear and then take one step forward, anyway – just like in the movie Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, during Indy’s search for the Holy Grail, when he reaches a dead end, a precipitous drop into a deep, deep chasm with nothing between him and the Holy Grail, some fifty feet beyond him. He was filled with fear, but he took a step forward and magically a bridge appeared. So be like Indiana, take that step. Use the promises of recovery: go to a meeting or a support group where other people in recovery share their success stories, meet with a therapist or spiritual advisor, and then, phone a friend. Once you try some of these tools to support your recovery, you may find that sobriety is not as scary as you once thought.
#2 – I can’t do it, I’m a failure. Recovery presents challenges, whether you have one day or ten years of sobriety. There are times when you’ll doubt yourself. There will be days when you are outside of your comfort zone. And to be honest, you will not practice recovery perfectly. There will be times when you will slip, or relapse. At this point, you can either conclude that you don’t deserve the gift of recovery and return to your addiction. Or you can say “I have what it takes, and I never want to go back there again.”
What to Do: Many addicts are perfectionists who have difficulty accepting that making mistakes is a human characteristic and risks learning opportunities. True, about half of recovering addicts relapse at some point. But some people don’t relapse. If you do relapse, it is a learning experience you will never forget. The biggest lesson is — you haven’t failed at all. Others have succeeded in spite of fear, and so can you. According to the Partnership at Drugfree.org, more than 23 million people in the U.S. are in long-term recovery from drug and alcohol problems. That is twice as many National Rifle Association members, and two thirds the membership of AARP (American Association of Retired People)!
#3 – What is self-sabotage? The fear of success. If I keep relapsing, why am I doing it? Most people don’t consciously see their self-sabotage, but they have a deeply held belief that they don’t deserve good things. Whether those good things are a great job, a good relationship with their family, or money in the bank. So believing they are not worthy, they never really put forth their best effort. Sometimes self-sabotage presents itself as feeling doomed from the start, sometimes it is self-doubt and most of the time it is the addict’s fear of not doing something perfectly that sabotages their sobriety.
What to Do: We are all afraid of the unknown, the future. We can’t control the future, we don’t know what it is or what lies ahead of us, and so we are scared. Instead of fretting over what might be, practice being mindful of the present. Feel the fear and do it anyway. The 19th Century poet, Ralph Waldo Emerson said: “The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” Knowing that, if you fall down, get up. Breathe through the feelings of self-sabotage, fear, or that you are a failure, and move forward – and then notice how the fear begins to dissipate.
#4 – They never liked me, they are talking about me behind my back – The fear of rejection. Are you worried that you have been abandoned by your family, your spouse or your kids? Are you judged by others? Some people refuse to admit that they have a drug problem because of this fear of rejection. They don’t reach out to others for support, because it will make them “look bad.” Yet without taking the step of admitting you’re an addict, there can be no recovery.
What to Do: Go to a meeting and share.Fear of rejection can be overcome by pushing yourself to work a recovery program even when you don’t want to. How many people in the rooms say the reason they feared entering 12-step rooms was the fear of seeing someone they knew. Research shows that by simply describing your feelings at stressful times makes you less afraid and less anxious. The simple act of putting your fears into words taps into the parts of the brain responsible for logic and emotional regulation, decreasing fear and anxiety. Getting current is the tool that is used in many 12-step rooms – it is the tool for sharing your feelings and decreasing anxiety.
#5 – I enjoy drinking! Fear of losing your identity. I love tailgate parties, I think so deeply when I am stoned, I had some of my best experiences when I was high. That was then, this is now. After months or years of being fixated on drugs and alcohol, who are you if you aren’t loaded? Do you really like not knowing where you parked your car? Or who you slept with last night? Or how you will pay your rent? What are your hopes, desires and values? Are your dreams coming true? These are some of the most difficult questions in recovery. Will you lose your identity as a cool dude? The answers may change over time.
What to Do: In recovery, you have a unique opportunity to redefine yourself. Spend some time thinking back to who you were before you started using drugs, and revisit old interests. Once the fog lifts, new ideas come into your head, cool ideas that do not include drinking. Are you thinking about trying out a new sport, like rock climbing or a scholarly pursuit, such as finishing your Bachelor’s degree? Eventually these ideas will form a new identity, a sober you. Each step will not only help you maintain your sobriety, but also move you closer to the ultimate goal of figuring out who you are – a cool, sober dude.
#6 – I am not happy when I’m not drinking, I fear the perpetual misery of not drinking. What if I do the hard work of recovery and I am still miserable? Many times in recovery we hear the slogan, “Learning to live life on life’s terms.” After years of drugs flooding the brain with Dopamine some people find it difficult to find pleasure in normal activities. Others find it hard to attend a party without a drink in their hand. Life will keep coming at you, bills to pay, a girlfriend will leave you, or you stick your foot in your mouth at a business meeting. Your option will be to not drink over it. Some get clean and sober only to find that they still feel angry, anxious or depressed. Don’t be overly distressed about feeling blue during the first few weeks of recovery. But if the condition lasts considerably longer, or if you find that your feelings of sadness continue for months, get in touch with your doctor. 75% of people with addictions also have a co-occurring mental illness, such as anxiety or depression. For years, perhaps the drugs or alcohol you were using were a form of self-medication?
What to Do: Some of the damage inflicted by prolonged drug use will be repaired the longer you stay sober. Long-term substance use can also damage internal organs and the brain. See a general practitioner and tell them about your addiction. Request a series of lab tests to ensure you are healthy. Read up on vitamin-replacement therapy, consider taking some vitamins such as magnesium, fish oil, vitamin C and zinc. See a psychiatrist for a behavioral health assessment. Visit a dentist, the ravages of drug use on your teeth’s enamel can be fixed. Just as important as stopping the use of all mood-altering substances is actively engaging in a program of wellness and self-care. Invest in yourself and your life in recovery will be truly joyful.
So maybe you can relate to these six fears of getting sober. Maybe you can share this with a friend who keeps relapsing. Maybe you can integrate these fears into the working mechanics of your sober life. Fear doesn’t stop when you get sober. It morphs into something somewhat similar, just without the substance involved. So you’ll be able to conquer those fears too. Because you have done it already, you have conquered your fears and remained sober..
In my experience as a recovery coach, I come across two kinds of people: One is the person who verbally (or physically) expresses their anger, and the other is the type of person who stuffs their anger way down, deep inside, where eventually it comes out sideways. I tend to work with the people that fall into the second category; in fact I also fall into that category.
One concept that’s helped me emerge from this stuffing of my anger, or placing it in a box and hiding it in my closet, is the work of Bill O’Hanlon. Bill is a psychotherapist, prolific author, and popular workshop presenter. He co-developed Solution-Oriented Therapy, a form of Solution-focused brief-therapy, and has authored or co-authored over 28 books. Bill O’Hanlon gave me permission to be angry. In fact, there are four situations in which everyone is allowed to be angry. They are universal. I was never given permission to be angry, and much to my amazement, neither were many of my clients. Bill O’Hanlon looks at anger not as an effect, but as a cause. As Bill says — “turning emotions from verbs into nouns.” Bill calls them upsets. To explain these concepts further, let’s examine the four areas in which we get upset. When you find yourself angry, examine why you are angry, and ask yourself these questions:
Are you experiencing an unfulfilled expectation?
Have you had an intention thwarted?
Was an undelivered communication involved?
Have you discovered some unrealized truths about oneself, others, the world or life?
Let’s start with the first one. One of my clients is very angry at her father. He left her, abandoned her, and he continues to not be intimately involved with her or his grandchildren. My client, let’s call her Sarah, expects a father to always be there, giving her what she wants or needs, hugging her, and telling her he loves her. At 42, Sarah has never experienced this from her father. It is not the person he is. Yes, he has his own abandonment and intimacy issues. But she makes up in her head that he should be Daddy Warbucks. She experiences these unfulfilled expectations constantly, and gets very angry at him. She is angry he doesn’t fit the image of the father she has created in her head. But it’s ok to get angry at expectations that have been unfulfilled.
The second upset involves a client from Chicago and we’ll call her Caroline. It was always Caroline’s intention to be happily married to one man, forever. She never wanted to have what happened to her as a child (her parents divorced) happen to her children. Now, unfortunately, she is facing divorce proceedings. She is very, very angry at her soon-to-be ex-husband. In spite of her intention to be happily married, divorce is imminent because of her addiction. His refusal to interact with her makes her furious. She can be angry, it’s okay. Her dreams have been dashed, her intentions thwarted
Now, let’s look at Mike. Mike is an addict who is struggling in his first year of sobriety. He and his live-in girlfriend never communicate. She is an executive in a very high-pressure job, which demands very long hours. In addition, she works in the city, an hour’s commute from their home. He is currently unemployed and in outpatient treatment. Recently, he got into cooking as a way to express himself and be creative. He planned a great meal, using an exotic fish, not something you could cook and set aside to re-heat. His girl friend had to go to an appointment north of the city and didn’t think she needed to let him know. However, there was an accident on the Turnpike and she was stuck in backed-up traffic for hours. To make matters worse, the battery on her cell phone died and she had left her charger in his car. He was livid. The meal was ruined. He made up in his head her having an affair, meeting another man for sex, because he was a recovering addict and she didn’t love him anymore. Every time he called her cell, he got angrier. Mike, its okay you are angry when communication is undelivered or blocked. Breathe deep.
Each one of these situations, undelivered communications, thwarted intentions, or unfulfilled expectations, led to the fourth upset: unrealized truths about oneself, others, the world or life. My clients recognize this upset. It makes them angrier, but they either stuff this fourth upset deep inside themselves or in that box on the top shelf of a closet. Behind this upset is deflection, catastrophizing and denial.
It’s easier for Sarah to be mad at her father than for her to recognize she is making up the expectation of a perfect father and trying to fit him into it. She should realize the truth: she cannot change her father. He is what he is. Maybe Sarah is a bit angry about that, as well.
Caroline, thwarted in her intention of living happily married ever after, is not recognizing her role in the drama. If she wants to be married happily ever after, she needs to get and remain sober. Something she knows she is not doing very well. Maybe Caroline is a bit angry about that, too.
Mike imagined his planned evening would be a game changer, a night that would bring his girlfriend back into his arms, his addiction forgotten. Yet, when a natural circumstance like an accident causes a delay, he is off to the races thinking the worse, or catastrophizing that a break-up is imminent. Yes, he is a bit angry about that, his catastrophizing another way of stuffing his anger. Eventually, he will “use” over it. Mike, come out of the closet, open the anger box, and talk about it. Focus on the breakdown of communications, which happened tonight (and only tonight) and get your anger out on the table.
So these three clients are told they can get angry if they experience an unfulfilled expectation, have an intention thwarted or if an undelivered communication is involved. Told that it’s okay, everyone gets angry over these things. I allow my clients to get angry, to rant, to raise their voices and to stamp their feet. Allowing them to get angry is the first step; once the steam is let off it becomes easier to discover the unrealized truths about themselves and deal appropriately with the anger they carry within.
