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Healthy Dating Guidelines – Part One
Melissa Killeen

As a recovery coach, I often see that many of my clients have difficulties negotiating new relationships. In the 12 step rooms’ of the sex and love addictions, members write their healthy dating guidelines when they are entering a new relationship. They review their dating guidelines and commit to following these guidelines to their sponsor, before the first date. The following dating guidelines can be used by young adults, people that are separated or divorced, and for those who have been single for decades. This first blog focuses on selecting the characteristics you want in a potential date, the first date guidelines and first date deal breakers. Next week’s blog will cover the dating guidelines for the first month through the sixth month. These guidelines are specific to circumstances that may occur during the courtship period. Hopefully, these suggestions will help anyone avoid the common pitfalls faced by those who are trying to win the heart of another. Feel free to circle the items that you embrace as your healthy dating guidelines. Write in what you think you need to have for a healthy dating experience. And you can leave any item that does not apply to you.

Characteristics I Want in a Potential Date:

My potential dating prospect should be (circle as many that apply)
Single

Divorced

Separated

Straight

Gay/Lesbian

Transgender

Have children

Have no children

Available for a committed relationship

Wanting to marry

Only want to date
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June 18, 2015
Are you lying?

Melissa Killeen

As a recovery coach, I can’t tell you the number of times I have looked at my client and thought, “Are you lying?” Probably, thousands of times.

There are a lot of telltale signs that a client is lying. A slight facial expression can reveal when someone is lying. Paul Ekman in his book Telling Lies, describes these minute facial expressions as micro expressions while the body language clues to deceit are called micro gestures. I find that many of my clients show their deceit not on their face but rather in their body actions or voice intonations.

I have one client that has a sing-song, childlike voice that “tells” she has been drinking before I ask the question. Another client sits with me, with every point of her body facing away from me – her toes point away from me, her knees follow suit, her hands clasped in front of her body, as she rests her elbow on the arm of the chair farthest from my chair. Yet, her face looks at me as stoically as a dog looks to its master and her eyes are glued to me as if they have been affixed with super glue. I read these as signs of concealment.

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June 11, 2015
Feel the Fear

Melissa Killeen

An Homage to Dr. Susan Jeffers

FEAR TRUTH #1 — The fear will never go away as long as you continue to grow! There is no point in saying, “When I am no longer afraid, then I will do it.” You’ll be waiting for a long time. The fear is part of the package.

FEAR TRUTH #2 — The only way to get rid of the fear of doing something is to go out and … do it! When you do it often enough, you will no longer be afraid in that particular situation. You will have faced the unknown and you will have handled it. Then new challenges await you, which certainly add to the excitement in living.

FEAR TRUTH #3 — The only way to feel better about yourself is to go out and … do it! With each little step you take into unknown territory, a pattern of strength develops. You begin feeling stronger and stronger and stronger.

FEAR TRUTH #4 — Not only are you afraid when facing the unknown, so is everyone else! This should be a relief. You are not the only one out there feeling fear. Everyone feels fear when taking a step into the unknown. Yes, all those people who have succeeded in doing what they have wanted to do in life have felt the fear — and did it anyway. So can you!

FEAR TRUTH #5 — Pushing through fear is less frightening than living with the bigger underlying fear that comes from a feeling of helplessness! This is the one truth that some people have difficulty understanding. When you push through the fear, you will feel such a sense of relief as your feeling of helplessness subsides. You will wonder why you did not take action sooner. You will become more and more aware that you can truly handle anything that life hands you[1].

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June 4, 2015