Author: Melissa Killeen

Are you lying?

Melissa Killeen

As a recovery coach, I can’t tell you the number of times I have looked at my client and thought, “Are you lying?” Probably, thousands of times.

There are a lot of telltale signs that a client is lying. A slight facial expression can reveal when someone is lying. Paul Ekman in his book Telling Lies, describes these minute facial expressions as micro expressions while the body language clues to deceit are called micro gestures. I find that many of my clients show their deceit not on their face but rather in their body actions or voice intonations.

I have one client that has a sing-song, childlike voice that “tells” she has been drinking before I ask the question. Another client sits with me, with every point of her body facing away from me – her toes point away from me, her knees follow suit, her hands clasped in front of her body, as she rests her elbow on the arm of the chair farthest from my chair. Yet, her face looks at me as stoically as a dog looks to its master and her eyes are glued to me as if they have been affixed with super glue. I read these as signs of concealment.

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June 11, 2015
Feel the Fear

Melissa Killeen

An Homage to Dr. Susan Jeffers

FEAR TRUTH #1 — The fear will never go away as long as you continue to grow! There is no point in saying, “When I am no longer afraid, then I will do it.” You’ll be waiting for a long time. The fear is part of the package.

FEAR TRUTH #2 — The only way to get rid of the fear of doing something is to go out and … do it! When you do it often enough, you will no longer be afraid in that particular situation. You will have faced the unknown and you will have handled it. Then new challenges await you, which certainly add to the excitement in living.

FEAR TRUTH #3 — The only way to feel better about yourself is to go out and … do it! With each little step you take into unknown territory, a pattern of strength develops. You begin feeling stronger and stronger and stronger.

FEAR TRUTH #4 — Not only are you afraid when facing the unknown, so is everyone else! This should be a relief. You are not the only one out there feeling fear. Everyone feels fear when taking a step into the unknown. Yes, all those people who have succeeded in doing what they have wanted to do in life have felt the fear — and did it anyway. So can you!

FEAR TRUTH #5 — Pushing through fear is less frightening than living with the bigger underlying fear that comes from a feeling of helplessness! This is the one truth that some people have difficulty understanding. When you push through the fear, you will feel such a sense of relief as your feeling of helplessness subsides. You will wonder why you did not take action sooner. You will become more and more aware that you can truly handle anything that life hands you[1].

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June 4, 2015
Codependency is a Relationship Addiction

Melissa Killeen

Codependent was a term used to describe the partner or spouse of an addict. The reasoning was a person had to be codependent to tolerate the destructive behaviors and actions of an addict in a relationship. But this definition has changed.

What is codependency?

Codependency is known as a “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive. The disorder was first identified over twenty years ago as the result of years of studying interpersonal relationships in families of alcoholics. Codependent relationships are a type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person’s addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement.

When someone is codependent they tend to spend the majority of their effort in their relationship, monitoring, controlling and attempting to enhance the feelings of someone they love. If a person is in a codependent relationship, there exists an imbalance that is both unhealthy, and ultimately destructive to the codependent whose self esteem, needs and self worth are sacrificed for that of the other person’s. A codependent relationship can be with a child, a parent, spouse or even with a non-addict.

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May 31, 2015