Author Archives: Michael

15 Common Signs of Love and Romance Addiction

Are you a love or romance addict? Recovering love and romance addicts who have worked on themselves in therapy and 12-step programs like Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) can relate to the idea of having used a well-rehearsed repertoire of manipulation to find and hold on to sexual and romantic partners.

Jose, a 32-year-old IT administrator put it this way –

I was always hunting in one form or another to find the special attention and sense of importance that only the right girl might make me feel if I could get with her. I figured I could make it happen with someone if I just wore, said or did the right thing or was good enough in bed, etc. In recovery it was necessary for me to recognize all the manipulative strategies I used to employ to attract and seduce women. As I slowly began to cast these aside, with the support of 12 step members, friends and therapy I actually began to learn my own value and real human worth, which over time has helped to remove the powerful and empty fantasy life that I lived in for so long.

Unlike the kind of partnership and dependency that many of us seek to compliment our lives, the love and romance addict searches for someone outside of himself to provide the emotional stability he or she lacks within. Working hard to catch someone who can to fix them, rather than learning about and growing beyond their own emptiness, they can become fixated on troubled or emotionally unavailable partners, often providing others with the very love and security they themselves most desire. Ultimately as the love addict’s own emotional needs remain unmet, they may himself act out through verbal or physical abuse of a current partner or though excessive spending, sex addiction, affairs or drugs, experiences that will ultimately reinforce their underlying sense of shame, self hatred and loneliness.

For those seeking a long-term a relationship, healthy romantic intensity is the catalyst that brings about the bonding necessary to sustain love and attachment. The beginning stages of a potential love relationship are the most exhilarating because that emotional state helps us bond and attach. This is when how HE looks, walks, talks, eats and thinks is the subject of endless fantasy, excitement and late night phone calls.

Romance itself, with or without sex, does encourage personal growth when we are open to learning. Then each new relationship can offer insight and self-awareness. Most people easily relate to that “rush” of first love and romance; the stuff of endless songs, greeting cards and fantasy. More than romantic intensity or great sex, true long-term intimacy is an experience of being known and accepted by someone over time. Loving relationships develop in part as those first exhilarating times together form a foundation of a deeper, long-term closeness. It is that deeper closeness which ultimately feeds our hearts and keeps us content; long after the rush of new romance has passed.

Love and Romantic addiction are not defined by gender or sexual orientation. The men and women who suffer from these challenges do however have underlying attachment, trauma and/or personality based issues that will require a period of healing to work beyond. It is strongly recommended that love and romance addicts both attend 12-step sex and love addiction meetings and therapy with a specialist trained in behavioral addictions. Hope and change are highly possible – but first the addict has to fully withdraw for some time from the active dating/sex/love game, while being guided by others toward self-reflection, grieving and improving social (non-romantic, non-sexual) peer relationships.

15 most common signs of love or romantic addiction:
1. Frequently mistaking intense sexual experiences or romantic infatuation for love

2. Constantly searching for romance and love

3. Using sex as a means to find or hold onto love

4. Falling in love with people met superficially or solely online

5. Problems maintaining intimate relationships once the initial newness and excitement has worn off

6. Consistent unhappiness, desire to hook-up or anxiety when alone

7. Consistently choosing abusive or emotionally unavailable partners

8. Giving emotionally, financially or otherwise to partners who require a great deal of care-taking but do not or can not reciprocate what they are given

9. When in a long-term relationship most often feeling detached, judgmental or unhappy, when out of a relationship, feeling desperate and alone

10. Making decisions about what to wear, how to look, what to say etc., based on how others might perceive you, rather than on self-awareness, comfort and creativity.

11. Using sex, money, seduction, drama or other schemes to “hook” or hold onto a partner

12. Missing out on important family, career, recreational or social experiences in order to find, create or maintain a romantic relationship

13. Giving up – by avoiding sex or relationships for long periods of time to “solve the problem”

14. Being unable to leave unhealthy or abusive relationships despite repeated promises to self or others

15. Returning to previously unmanageable or painful relationships despite promises to self or others not to do so

Editor’s Note: If you think you may be a Love and/or a Romance Addict consider visiting the following sites:

You are not alone.

Home

http://www.itsallaboutlove.com/quiz_3.htm

http://loveaddicts.org/kindsofloveaddicts.html

http://www.piamellody.com/

http://recoverytradepublications.com/

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mastin-kipp/addicted-to-love-part-1_b_652919.html

We welcome the return of our guest blogger, Robert Weiss, the Founding Director of The Sexual Recovery Institute and Director of Sexual Disorders Services at The Ranch Treatment Center and Promises Treatment Centers. This post, originally published in February 2012, was this year’s top read blog post. I am re-posting this as my New Year’s Day blog post. Happy New Year to all of my 17,000 readers and thank you for joining me this year!

This blog was written by: Robert Weiss, Founding Director of The Sexual Recovery Institute and Director of Sexual Disorders Services at The Ranch Treatment Center and Promises Treatment Centers. These centers serve individuals seeking sex, love, romance and codependency addiction. Follow Robert on Twitter @RobWeissMSW

Share
Posted in Addiction Recovery Posts | Tagged , , , | 1 Comment

FOUNDATIONAL THINKERS IN THE RECOVERY COACHING COMMUNITY

Phillip Valentine

In the past few weeks, I have been presenting brief biographies of people that have been instrumental in developing the recovery coaching industry. As a field, recovery coaching had an odd path of growth. In the 80’s no MBA’s or PhD’s set forth to devise this new industry of recovery coaching. But a few people saw this as a bona fide profession. Yes, some of these Foundational Thinkers were drunks, dope fiends and ex-cons, like Bob Timmins. Others were dedicated professionals in the field of addiction recovery that saw there was a gaping hole between a client leaving treatment and achieving long term recovery that needed to be addressed. How does a person leaving a treatment center find, embrace and develop their recovery? The answer was for the client to find a 12-step meeting, find a sponsor, and pray to a higher power.   

Picture this, open the door of a treatment center, and send the client back into the environment that placed them into treatment in the first place, with these instructions “don’t drink (or pick-up, act out, or drug etc), find a meeting and get a sponsor” and with no other guidance except a list of 12-step meetings. Those in recovery know how hard that path is. For those who choose not to believe in a higher power or that could not find a sponsor or whose addiction did not fit into the typical AA or NA meetings, what should they do? Well, most likely, 80% of these people relapsed.            

William White’s model of a volunteer peer recovery coach began to fill that hole between treatment and long term sobriety. Treatment centers are now calling this model an aftercare program, and hiring recovery coaches to help their client through this transition period.  The outcome is that both of these models work and both use a recovery coach to assist the client on the path of recovery. There is, as you will read below, a discussion as to the efficacy of a coach that gives their time for free and a coach that is compensated. Is one right and the other wrong? Is the other type of coach is not trained well enough? Is one more legally liable than the other? In the next few posts, not only will I introduce these leaders of the recovery coaching field, but I will also feature their thoughts on this topic.

One individual, Phillip Valentine, chose the William White recovery model and began one community recovery support center in Hartford and has grown the Connecticut Community of Addiction Recovery into a nationally recognized leader in developing recovery support centers and recovery coaching training.

Phillip Valentine is the Executive Director for the Connecticut Community for Addiction Recovery (CCAR). He has been an integral component in this recovery community organization since January 1999. He is recognized as a strong leader in the recovery community and in recovery himself. Valentine is on the Board of Directors of Faces and Voices of Recovery in Washington DC; the nationally-recognized voice of the organized recovery community. In 2006 the Johnson Institute recognized his efforts with an America Honors Recovery award. In 2008, Faces and Voices of Recovery recognized CCAR with the first Joel Hernandez Voice of the Recovery Community Award as the outstanding recovery community organization in the country. In 2009, the Hartford Business Journal named him the Non-profit Executive of the Year. Currently, he is spearheading CCAR’s effort to build a statewide network of Recovery Community Centers that feature innovative peer recovery support services like Recovery Coaches, Telephone Recovery Support, All-Recovery Groups and Recovery Works! –which is an employment services component to the recovery community centers.

In an interview with William White, as part of Perspectives on Systems Transformation: How Visionary Leaders are Shifting Addiction Treatment Toward a Recovery-Oriented System of Care, published by the Great Lakes Addiction Technology Transfer Center (ATTC), Valentine describes what he sees as the difference between peer-based recovery support services, treatment services and recovery coaches that are compensated:

White: How would you distinguish between peer-based recovery support services and treatment services?

Valentine: I see treatment as more sterile, professional, hospital-like, staff-focused. Treatment can be real effective in initiating recovery, where recovery support services are more focused on maintaining and enriching recovery. Recovery support services aren’t bureaucratically bound—at least not yet—by mountains of rules, regulations, and paper. Recovery support services are more free and unencumbered to sustain a focus on whatever it takes to support recovery. We’re trying to escape the coldness you feel when you walk into a place that seems only concerned with forms and money—the feeling that you’re just one more person in the assembly line, one more of the addicts or alcoholics coming through the system. It’s hard to be seen as a person in such coldness. Recovery support services are the warmth that can heat you back up. They’re the antidote to people being paid to be your friend. Frontline counselors are often warm and wonderful people, but they are constrained by the burdens placed upon them.

White: Are your recovery support services being provided by people in volunteer and paid roles?

Valentine: The vast majority of our recovery support services are provided by volunteers, and that’s the way we hope to keep it. That being said, if a director of a center is a very strong, powerful personality and very visible, people will be drawn to that person for recovery coaching. What we try to do is to get such people to train others so that we can expand the pool of recovery support resources.

White: Do you see a danger in the trend toward paid recovery coaches? Might we drift toward that same clinical coldness you described earlier?

Valentine: It’s always about the heart. There’s a real spiritual component. Some recovery coaches can get paid and handle it well and others cannot. Getting paid in this role elevates the level of authority and responsibility. I worry about the ego. I worry about coaches aspiring to that kind of life-and-death influence over others. That kind of authority can mess with a person’s recovery and humility. The longer I’m in recovery, the less I know. When you’re a paid recovery coach for a while, you think you’re starting to know all the answers, and that’s just not true. There’s always gonna be clients who are gonna teach you more than you teach them, and I hope we stay open to the lessons of such people. There are new ways to deal with things. The volunteer piece works in part because you have a whole network of other volunteers that you bounce things off of. With volunteers, the individual is served by a community of people—the volunteers being the welcome wagon of that community. What a difference it makes on the soccer fields! I’ve had six years’ experience as a travel soccer coach. I wouldn’t dream of getting paid. I love it, and I do it because the kids are so much fun. The sport’s great. I have something to contribute. Why do we think that a recovery coach should be any different than that? (White, 2006) http://vtrecoverynetwork.org/data/Recovery_Symposium/GLATTCInterviewValentine.pdf

Share
Posted in Addiction Recovery Posts | Tagged , , , , , , | Comments Off on FOUNDATIONAL THINKERS IN THE RECOVERY COACHING COMMUNITY

FOUNDATIONAL THINKERS IN THE RECOVERY COACHING COMMUNITY: Bob Timmins

Bob Timmins, an addiction specialist who is credited with salvaging the lives of a long list of celebrity drug users by steering them onto the path of sobriety and helping them stay there, died of respiratory failure in 2008 at his home in Marina del Rey after battling years of chronic obstructive pulmonary disease. He was 61.[i] Though little known by the public at large, Timmins was a titan in the world of recovery coaching.

Some of his clients — members of the bands Red Hot Chili Peppers, Mötley Crüe and Aerosmith — have spoken publicly about Timmins’ role in helping them battle drug abuse. But most celebrities preferred anonymity, a request Timmins took pride in honoring. “Bob has helped everyone from the owners of sports franchises to heads of movie studios to Grammy-winning, internationally known music idols . . . as well as the most down and out homeless person who comes to him for help,” said Michael Nasatir, a friend, and a criminal defense attorney in Santa Monica, who worked with Timmins early in his career.

What Timmins knew about drug abuse, recovery and redemption was learned from experience.

Robert Wayne Timmins was born in Los Angeles on Sept. 27, 1946, the son of a police officer. His mother suffered from paranoid schizophrenia, and when Bob was 9 years old, she attempted to murder him. Timmins was placed in foster care, by ninth grade he lived on the streets, was a heroin junky, and as  a convicted felon, he spent time in San Quentin. It was in San Quentin that Timmins met Danny Trajo, they were cell mates and gang members in a white supremacy gang there. These two were familiar with all forms of prison violence. Yet, it was Trajo that introduced Bob to the 12 step rooms. When Trajo left San Quentin, he told Timmins to look him up after his release. Four years later, expecting to start-up exactly where he had left off before entering San Quentin, Timmins showed up at Trajo’s doorstep. Danny Trajo  took him to his house, and offered him a spare bedroom to stay in. When Timmins said “Come on, let’s do some things…” in response, Trajo took him to a 12-step meeting. Trajo introduced him to Eddie, his first sponsor, and the rest, let’s say is history. Bob Timmins credits Trajo and Eddie, with turning his life around. Eddie was Timmins’ sponsor until Eddie died with 47 years of sobriety. Timmins said “If I didn’t get a sponsor and jump into recovery, I wasn’t going to stay long enough to get anything.” [ii]

 In the years that followed, Timmins helped found and was involved with several organizations, including the CLARE Foundation, Cinco Swim Sober Living Home, recovery centers, Impact House and Cri-HELP in Los Angeles as well as the National Association of Drug Court Professionals. Early in his career he began working with troubled youths, including a young Jeff McFarland.

“I met him when he worked at a rehab hospital I was in,” said McFarland, who is now an attorney. “I was a 19-year-old drug addict and criminal, and he helped me turn things around. He had instant credibility. When you spoke to him, you knew that he had lived the life that you live. And he understood.” Today, McFarland is the chair of The Timmins Foundation.[iii] The Timmins Foundation is a nonprofit organization established in memory of Bob Timmins, whose work changed Jeff McFarland’s and countless other young people’s lives. The Timmins Foundation supports a “Bob Timmins Bed” that provides beds for 365 days of impatient treatment or residence at a sober living environment for a year to clients that are unable to afford the entire cost on their own,. The Timmins Foundation seeks to provide financial support for the early intervention and treatment of substance abuse -which Bob knew could prove to be the difference between a life well-lived and a life wasted- by going into the community, seeking out young adults in need of treatment and building a sense of purpose for young adults in post-treatment recovery.[iv]

In courts across the nation, Timmins was an expert witness and a consultant in the development of treatment plans for addiction-related offenders. He assessed drug addicts before they went to trial, he advised them and suggested to the judge to place them into treatment instead of incarceration. Judges and lawyers paid Timmins for his expertise in selecting a proper program for a defendant, “but the amount we paid him was a joke compared to what he did,” said Bernard Kamins, who served as a Los Angeles County Superior Court judge from 1985 to 2007 and worked with Timmins in the California Drug Court system. “Here’s this guy who for $150 would get somebody straightened out. . . . He knew the right places to put people, and he gave them two things: hope and motivation. As a judge I couldn’t do that,” Kamins said. Timmins steered clients to 12-step meetings and helped them find sponsors. But Timmins did more, drawing from the people he knew and had helped in the past, he could put an addict in contact with a youth homeless shelter, admit them into a treatment center at no cost, introduce them to the president of a recording studio or aid in their admission into USC. Timmins was that type of guy.

In the entertainment industry, Timmins influenced the way recording labels treat artists by requesting amenities such as “safe harbor rooms”:  hospitality suites that are clean of drugs and alcohol. In the entertainment industry, drugs and alcohol were given freely to the artists to stimulate their creativity and as perks for their performance. As a recovering entertainer this was a very dangerous environment to be in, Bob changed this dynamic in the industry. After the 1995 death of Shannon Hoon of the group Blind Melon from a drug overdose, Michael Greene, president and CEO of the National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences announced the first industry wide symposium on the subject of drugs in rock and asked Bob Timmins to help. Beside “safe harbor rooms” and contractual guidelines that advocate sobriety, the symposium and Grammy.org helped Timmins and Howard Owens start the MusiCares Foundation, and MAP, the Musician’s Assistance Program, which provide assistance to musicians, including those suffering from addiction. MusiCares provides a safety net of critical assistance; services and resources that will cover a wide range of financial, medical and personal emergencies for music people in times of need. MusiCares celebrates 20 years in 2013.

Working with celebrities did not leave Timmins star-struck, in a 1991 article in GQ magazine; he said

“I see them as human beings first. I see them in their pain and try to help them through a suicide attempt or whatever’s going on,”[v] Bob Timmins was one of the most influential foundational thinkers in recovery coaching, developing the concepts of sober companionship, recovery coaching and legal services coaching. Through the years he tirelessly helped rock star, millionaire or skid row addict with the same compassion and conviction, whether he was compensated handsomely or graced with a humble handshake and a thank you. Bob was a milestone in the recovery coaching movement.

Hear Bob Timmin’s AA Story, this is a must hear:

http://timminsfoundation.org/Speech2005b.html

 This is the second part of the third chapter of “Guide to Coaching People in Recovery from Addiction” a book written by Melissa Killeen and available as an eBook in January 2013 on Amazon.com

Part Three of Chapter Three: “Foundational Thinkers…” will be posted next week.

 

References:

[i] Addiction specialist worked with celebrities OBITUARIES / Bob Timmins, 1946 – 2008 March 08, 2008| Jocelyn Y. Stewart | LA Times Staff Writer- jocelyn.stewart@latimes.com

[ii] Christopher Kennedy Lawford “Moments of Clarity: Voices from the Front Lines of Addiction”, Harper Collins NY

[iii] Addiction specialist worked with celebrities OBITUARIES / Bob Timmins, 1946 – 2008 March 08, 2008| Jocelyn Y. Stewart | LA Times Staff Writer- jocelyn.stewart@latimes.com

[iv] The Timmins Foundation, 865 S. Figueroa St., 10th Floor, Los Angeles, CA 90017. http://timminsfoundation.wordpress.com/2008/12/20/the-timmins-foundation/

[v] Addiction specialist worked with celebrities OBITUARIES / Bob Timmins, 1946 – 2008 March 08, 2008| Jocelyn Y. Stewart | LA Times Staff Writer- jocelyn.stewart@latimes.com

 

Share
Posted in Addiction Recovery Posts | Tagged , , , , , | Comments Off on FOUNDATIONAL THINKERS IN THE RECOVERY COACHING COMMUNITY: Bob Timmins