Tag Archives: Sexaholics Anonymous

Every Narcissist needs a Codependent Love Addict

“The most common toxic relationship is between the codependent love addict and the narcissist love addict. Opposites attract and love addicts are vulnerable to charming people.” -Author, therapist and founder of Love Addicts Anonymous, Susan Peabody.

Narcissism is a personality disorder. It stems from childhood abuse. When these abused children are young, they decide that the world, and the people in it, are bad and they are the only ones that are good. These thoughts result in a distorted view of themselves. They are the ones that are perfect, and they should be catered to. They lack compassion for others because everyone else is ‘less than or wrong. In general, narcissists are incapable of maintaining a healthy relationship because they have to be in control at all times.

But really, a narcissist has to be in control because they experienced the trauma of not being in control, being abused, abandoned, or made to feel ‘less than’ at a young age. In order to feel they are not being abandoned, abused, thwarted, or hurt they have chosen to put on false bravado, to dominate, and/or exhibit righteousness to protect their damaged “inner child” from being seen.

These narcissistic behaviors hide the fact there is a hurt child and in its place is this thoroughly in control adult-child, which is what the young child assumes their parent wants and will love. This becomes a belief of “You will love me because I am in control.” This behavior finds a home in any gender; male or female, non-binary, trans, or any sexual preference; heterosexual, gay, bisexual, and in any type of relationship; collegial, familiar, or intimate.

If you keep your eyes open, you can detect a narcissist’s need for control and self-centeredness. If you make an error, they will be critical and unsympathetic. A narcissist will never forget a past mistake. They hold you to a high standard and exhibit disdain for what they consider weakness or vulnerability.

Narcissists are very charming in order to seduce people into liking them. Their ability to impress people is amazing. They appear confident, exciting and are a “match made in heaven”. Love addicts fall for narcissists and bond with them. Narcissists are so good at their craft, that when their true colors emerge, they manipulate their codependent love addict partner to ensure they will not abandon them.

A codependent love addict fears abandonment as much as the narcissist

It is as if the narcissist and codependent love addict are fighting for the same thing. The codependent love addict fears abandonment as much as the narcissist. Early abandonment of a child places that kid into a very harsh environment, forcing them to figure out a way to survive. They hate the fact they were abandoned but believe that they can endure, and if they work hard enough, to prove their worth, their parent (or love interest) will not abandon them, thus ensuring abandonment will never happen to them again. This becomes a belief of” You will love me because I will do for you before I do for myself.”A codependent love addict adult emerges from this traumatic early childhood experience.

Narcissists and codependent love addicts are trauma survivors

Both narcissists and codependent love addicts are survivors. A narcissist will overwork in order to get what they need to survive. A codependent will scrape and do without in order for their offspring and family to survive. Both of these behavioral types excel in sales, in service positions, or dealing with the public. If they need more money than a 9-5 career can provide, they overwork. We will find them at a grocery store stocking shelves at midnight or selling craft goods on Etsy. The narcissist will make demands to the codependent to do ‘more for me’ or ‘love me more.’

The codependent love addicts are constantly fulfilling their role as the primary enabler for their narcissists. A consummate “make doer”, the codependent is unable to speak up for themselves, selling themselves short in order to avoid the pain of conflict with their loved one. Both are strong and resilient, yet mute to the need for resolution of the inner turmoil surrounding their early, adverse childhood traumas.

You might want to consider attending a 12 step mutual support group such as:

http://www.loveaddicts.org/

http://www.slaafws.org

http://coda.org/

http://www.adultchildren.org/

To find a professional with counseling experience in love addiction go to the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health (SASH), which is a nonprofit organization dedicated to scholarship and training of professionals certified in sex and love addiction treatment.

For training and to find a professional with counseling experience in trauma, and love addiction consider the International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals (IITAP) which is a resource for therapists specializing in the areas of sex addiction recovery and trauma.

Other good books and resources are:

We Codependent Men – We Mute Coyotes: Hope, Inspiration, and Healing for Men Living with Addicted People by Ken P, Bob T

Codependents No More- Codependents’ Guide: Heal Yourself After a Toxic Relationship, Overcome Jealousy, Possessiveness, Anxiety, and Boost your Self-Esteem

Codependent Mother: Codependency Cycle Recovery for a Daughter. No more Toxic Emotional Abuse in Family Relationships. A Guide to Cure Afflictions and Healing your Self-Esteem by Dana Jackson

The New Codependency: Help and Guidance for Today’s Generation by Melody Beattie

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Fortify — A free online program to help battle pornography addiction

Fortify-logoWhat would be better than a free program for individuals 20 years and younger to use to battle their porn addiction? After all, statistics show that 93% of all boys have been exposed to pornography by the age of 18, and 70% of these boys have spent at least 30 minutes viewing porn at least once. Of the entire population of young men, only three percent have never viewed porn, and of the entire young female population, only 17% have never viewed porn. So no matter what you might think — your child has viewed porn.

Fortify is a perfect tool to help change behavior and it is designed to be used on any device, a smartphone, tablet, laptop or desktop computer. It is free, and does not require any parental approval to download. The program is also available for adults that find themselves in the throes of a pornography addiction.

Young people between the ages of 13-20 will have free access to the Fortify Program, thanks to the generous donations of others. For anyone else 21 years of age or older the cost is $39. Fortify suggests each adult subscriber donate $39. to cover the fee for one teenager, this sponsorship is optional. Of course, for those adults who are able, Fortify will gladly accept additional sponsorships.

Once a login username and password have been issued, the user will always have access to the Fortify Program. The Fortify Program has fifty-two short videos that cover the science of addiction, the harms of pornography, tools and other helpful information to empower the user to overcome pornography. It is recommended to move through the software in 3 months to fully complete the Fortify program, but everyone’s recovery pace varies. Just as everyone’s level of addiction is different, everyone’s recovery will be different.

There are some really interesting features, like a calendar called “battle tracker” that will allow the user to record victories and setbacks. Not only can a user record the day that they had a setback but also the time, location, and device used. Tracking this information will help them see trends and triggers, allowing for necessary changes to be made.

The Fortify Program is largely self-directed. The commitment to, and application of what is learned, is vital to any success. It is not just watching some videos to fix the addiction. This is going to take work. Fortify is not just a standalone solution to a pornography addiction. Along with help from a therapist, and/or group therapy, individuals can stand united in this battle against pornography addiction. It is a good idea to find a clinician who understands pornography addiction and the Fortify Program. It is recommended to engage with a 12-step, mutual support group such as Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, Sexaholics Anonymous and/or Sex Addicts Anonymous which can help adults in this recovery process, as well.

If you’ve got more questions, email the creators of Fortify at info@fortifyprogram.org.

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Can Women be Sex Addicts?

 

Can Women be Sex Addicts?

Guest Post By Robert Weiss LCSW, CSAT-S

Robert Weiss is Founding Director of The Sexual Recovery Institute and Director of Sexual Disorders Services at The Ranch Treatment Center and Promises Treatment Centers. These centers serve individuals seeking sexual addiction treatment and porn addiction help.

From what the media tells us, sexual addiction is a strictly male problem or least that is all we seem to hear. Men cheating on their wives, men seeing prostitutes, men going to strip clubs, massage parlors and of course, male politicians sexting online. Does this mean that there are no female sex addicts? If there are women out there who are acting out with sex, where are they and why don’t we hear more about them?

The news media gives endless examples of famous husbands who betray their wives in ways that often result in public humiliation for them both (Clinton, Sanford, Tiger, Weiner, etc.). But what about women who ‘act out’ with sex and romance? While we know that women act out additively with food, drugs, alcohol, gambling spending and caretaking, the truth is that there is little to no research on female sex and relationship addiction. What we do know today is that approximately 8-12% of those seeking sexual addiction treatment are women (which interestingly more or less mirrors the numbers of men entering eating disorders treatment), but it is highly likely that many women struggle with compulsive and impulsive sexual and relationship disorders. A woman is less likely than a man to seek help for her problem sexual behavior for a variety of reasons – mostly related to shame.

Emblematic of this problem is our cultural reference for the man who is generating a lot of sexual contacts “stud”, whereas a woman engaging in the same types of activity is referenced as “slut” or “nympho”. This kind of prejudice leaves those women with sexual and romantic behavior problems more highly subject to shame and prejudice – and therefore less likely to get help.  Even the woman whose sexual and romantic behaviors are causing her profound problems  (health, family, relationship, career, etc.) is not likely to identify as having a sexual problem, she is more likely to use terms like, “I have relationship issues” or “I tend to pick the wrong partners”. Because women more often see and experience sexuality in more relational terms then do men – even when a woman is having sex in the same ways and frequency as a male sex addict often won’t identify as having herself as having this problem.

While the primary etiology of male sexual addiction is mostly based in early emotional neglect, covert parental incest and early attachment deficits – female sex addicts report much greater incidences of profound, overt childhood abuse, physical neglect and trauma – often sexual, which leads to sex addiction and intimacy issues in later life. Some of these women unconsciously live out their early abuse by becoming sex workers (i.e. prostitutes, strippers, involved in porn, sensual massage, etc.), attempting to give themselves a sense of ‘control’ over early out of control experiences. As their adult lives are dominated by exchanging sex for money and the feelings of control and power that sexual behavior offers them, these women have little access to outside support or role models toward change and self-examination.

Not all women who are sex and relationship addicts are prostitutes however, many are housewives, single women and even teens, who utilize sex and romantic intensity as a means of self-stability and comfort, despite the various risks and dangers associated with addictive sexual relationships. In terms of risk taking and out-of-control behavior, female sex addicts are very similar to male sex addicts.

Mary S. presented for treatment in an acute crisis when her husband Jeff learned about her having multiple affairs and was threatened to leave unless she got help. Mary is 38 years old with two children ages 4 and 7. In addition to the affairs and anonymous sexual liaisons both before and throughout her marriage, Mary also disclosed “losing myself on a daily basis” to 30-40 minutes of porn use with masturbation, “to help calm me down or as a way to get to sleep” for nearly all her adult life.  She simply reported this as “what I do to relax” but she also keeps this secret from her husband.

Though Mary had a highly physically and emotionally abusive home environment, she had not previously sought out treatment or therapy nor did she relate her problem adult sexual and romantic history to early childhood abuse. She told her therapist that she had always believed that “by marrying the right guy, I could just put the past behind me, when Jeff came along – I thought I was safe” Just after her first child was born, Mary began sexual/romantic affairs with both a neighbor and separately, a co-worker, believing then that her marriage had become boring and she needed these other experiences to feel “more alive”.  In addition to the stated ongoing sexual and romantic liaisons over the past several years, Mary has been signing onto Craigslist in search of other lovers and casual sex whenever she or her husband are out of town for work. Despite her sexual acting out history – Mary was highly motivated to make her marriage work and keep her family together.

Today there are a few precious resources for female sex and love addicts include the recent book, “Waiting to Heal” by Kelly McDaniel MFT,  “Women, Sex and Addiction” by Charlotte Kasl. SLAA, Sex and Love addicts Anonymous is a 12-step sex addiction recovery program that encourages female participation and offers many gender separate meetings. The Ranch, a residential treatment center in Nunnelly Tennessee offers private, gender separate residential treatment for female sex addicts.

The most important step a female sex and love addict can take toward recovery is to openly and honestly bond with healthy adult women, not for sex – but for recreation, friendship and mutual support. Sharing their sexual past in detail (non-graphic) with other women helps to reduce shame and non-sexual bonding with supportive women helps alleviate the need to use men sexually for self-soothing and self-stability.

Below are is an abbreviated list of 20 key “questions” adapted from the Sex and Love Addicts literature that might help a woman self-determine if she has this type of problem. More about SLAA can be found at:  http://www.slaafws.org/

Am I a Female Sex and Love Addict?

1.) Do you feel that your life is becoming or is unmanageable because of your sexual and/or romantic behavior or your excessive dependency needs?

2.) Do you find yourself unable to stop seeing a specific person even though you know that seeing this person is destructive to you?

3.) Do you feel that you don’t want anyone to know about your sexual or romantic activities? Do you feel you need to hide these activities from others – friends, family, co-workers, counselors, etc.?

4.) Do you get “high” from sex and/or romance and then crash when the act or experience is over?

5.)  Have you had sex at inappropriate times, in inappropriate places, and/or with inappropriate people?

6.) Do you make promises to yourself or rules for yourself concerning your sexual or romantic behavior that you find you cannot follow?

7.) Have you had or do you have sex with someone you don’t (didn’t) want to have sex with?

8.) Have you ever thought that there might be more you could do with your life if you were not so driven by sexual and romantic pursuits?

9.) Do you feel desperate about your need for a lover, sexual fix, or future mate?

10.) Have you or do you have sex regardless of the consequences (e.g. the threat of being caught, the risk of contracting herpes, gonorrhea, AIDS, etc.)?

11.) Do you find that you have a pattern of repeating bad relationships?

12.) Do you feel like a lifeless puppet unless there is someone around with whom you can flirt? Do you feel that you’re not “really alive” unless you are with your sexual/romantic partner?

13.) Have you ever threatened your financial stability, career or standing in the community by pursuing a sexual partner?

14.) Have you ever had a serious relationship threatened or destroyed because of outside sexual activity?

15.) Do you feel that life would have no meaning without a love relationship or without sex? Do you feel that you would have no identity if you were not someone’s lover?

16.) Do you find yourself flirting with or sexualizing someone even if that was not your intention?

17.) Does your sexual and/or romantic behavior affect your reputation?

18.) Do you feel uncomfortable about your masturbation because of the frequency with which you masturbate, the fantasies you engage in, the props you use, and/or the places in which you do it?

19.) Are you unable to concentrate on other areas of your life because of thoughts or feelings you are having about another person or about sex?

20.) Do you find yourself obsessing about a specific person or sexual act even though these thoughts bring pain, craving or discomfort?**

**excerpt from © 1985 The Augustine Fellowship, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, Fellowship-Wide Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved

Robert Weiss is Founding Director of The Sexual Recovery Institute and Director of Sexual Disorders Services at The Ranch Treatment Center and Promises Treatment Centers. These centers serve individuals seeking sexual addiction treatment and porn addiction help.

Follow Robert on Twitter @RobWeissMSW

 

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