Tag Archives: Parents of an addict

Parents of Addicted Ones—How it Works

This is Part Two of a 3-part series on PAL, Parents of Addicted Loved-Ones, by Mike Speakman. Part One focused on how PAL started. Part Two explains how Pal works. Part Three will advise how to get involved. 

Mike Speakman, a Phoenix-based Family Education Coach, is the founder of Parents of Addicted Loved OnesContact Mike at: mike@pal-group.org or visit the PAL Group Site: www.pal-group.org

PAL
A support group for parents with a child suffering from addiction.
Part Two: How it works.

Parents of Addicted Loved-ones (PAL) is a support program for parents with a child addicted to drugs or alcohol. Some consider it an alternative, or supplement, to Al-Anon, the 12-step program associated with Alcoholics Anonymous (AA).

Founded in 2006 by Michael Speakman, LISAC, today there are 17 PAL meetings now in Arizona with new ones getting started in other states.

Speakman founded PAL specifically for parents because, “There is no human relationship like that between parent and child,” he says. “As the saying goes. ‘When it comes to our children, every parent is blind.’ However, any family member is welcome, including spouses and adult children.”

PAL aims to help parents or other family members deal with issues arising from an addicted loved one. These issues tend to be more alike than different, which is precisely why these groups work. Members quickly realize they are not alone, a big relief in and of itself.

Once family members realize a loved one is indeed addicted to drugs or alcohol, the big question is: What now? More often than not this gives rise to a broad range of feelings: anger, guilt, fear, loss, denial.

“If you have an adolescent son or daughter with an addiction problem you may still have some control over their actions,” Speakman says. “You may still win at the negotiation table, the place where your life and their life collides. But, when your child turns 18 everything changes. Now, you lose at that table every time, even when it looks like you’re winning”.

“That’s why parents get so angry. They wonder, why is this happening, how is this happening, what can I do to change it? Solving this mystery is the essence of the PAL curriculum.”

There are two parts to a PAL group meeting: an educational component and a sharing component. Along with information about addiction and recovery, PAL uses stories and metaphors to help parents better understand what they are up against.
For instance, a first-time parent might be asked to picture their child’s age. They are often surprised to find they picture a 25-year-old son as a 15-year-old adolescent. This mental picture is important because it shapes how they decide to help, which can turn into enabling a grown man to act as a boy. Once parents realize this, they gain a better understanding of the problem and more clarity on possible solutions.

“It is important for parents to realize they did not cause their child’s addiction any more than a condition like asthma or diabetes,” Speakman says. “Yet once they realize their child suffers from addiction they can learn about what to do just like with any other ailment.”

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Parents of Addicted Loved Ones

This is Part One of a 3-part series on PAL, Parents of Addicted Loved-Ones, by Mike Speakman. Part One focuses on how PAL started. Part Two explains how Pal works. Part Three advises how to get involved. 

Mike Speakman, a Phoenix-based Family Education Coach, is the founder of Parents of Addicted Loved OnesContact Mike at: mike@pal-group.org or visit the PAL Group Site: www.pal-group.org

PAL
A support group for parents with a child suffering from addiction.
Part One: How it started.

Parents with a child addicted to drugs and/or alcohol can find hope in a support program called Parents of Addicted Loved-ones (PAL). PAL was founded in 2006 by Michael Speakman, LISAC, while working as an in-patient Drug and Alcohol Addiction Counselor in Arizona.

“In working with young people being treated for alcohol and drug addiction I witnessed how much the entire family is impacted,” Speakman says. “Parents in particular are beset with challenges they’ve never had to face before. I saw how difficult it is for them to identify and work through these challenges alone. And that’s what they feel—alone.”

Many recount their relief when they first realized: “I don’t feel all alone with this problem anymore.” While in truth they were going through what most parents go through when placed in the same situation.

This is the founding principle of the PAL movement. People helping people through the woods. PAL groups meet weekly to educate, support and help each other with issues arising from loving someone with an addiction. Each PAL group is facilitated by a peer, someone walking the same path. While the focus is on parents with an addicted child, anyone with an addicted family member is welcome, including spouses and adult children of an addicted parent.

In reality the active addict acts like a child, displaying childish behaviors such as tantrums, sulking, disregard of consequences, irresponsibility, immediate gratification and magical thinking. A husband or wife may experience the same immature behaviors with a spouse as a parent experiences with a child.

Regardless, once the addiction has surfaced, it’s hard for family members to know what to do, what to expect.

“We needn’t blame ourselves for not knowing what to do about an addicted loved one,” Speakman says. “There are no prep courses, no way to know exactly what to expect before it happens. But there is a curriculum for recovery. If we learn it, if we follow it, it works. There is HOPE. And it comes from educating ourselves.

“When we focus on educating ourselves rather than changing the person who is using, it takes a lot of the pressure off everyone involved,’’ he says.

“Just finding out for sure that a loved one is using drugs or alcohol can be difficult,” Speakman says. “There can be a lot of lying and denial. Once you know for sure, the next question is: What now? This is where the educating begins and where PAL can really help. There are others who have walked before you, some walking along with you, and others right behind. But all are on the same path.”

But knowledge doesn’t happen overnight. “Life is a marathon, not a sprint,” Speakman says. “We don’t learn instantly, we learn over time. It’s incremental learning. So we need to be patient with ourselves.

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