Tag Archives: Norman Doidge

7 Questions Wives of Porn Addicts Ask

ella hutchinson photoPornography addiction is a form of sex addiction. Wives of porn addicts are baffled by this addiction and feel like they are partially responsible for their husband’s behavior. The reasons for this are numerous and include the shame associated with this addiction for both the addict and the spouse, the sense of betrayal, and stereotypes linked to the addiction. Ella Hutchinson, a counselor from Katy, Texas, specializes in counseling wives of sex addicts. She sees women who haven’t told anyone about their husband’s addiction, sometimes for months, years and often, they never disclose. The lack of support available to spouses, and often inaccurate information being put out about partners of sexual addicts can cause a wife to suffer additional trauma. Ella has formulated 7 questions wives of porn addicts ask.

#1: How can my husband love me and look at porn when he knows it hurts me?

 It is possible for your husband to love you, even though he is looking at pornography? In fact the two are completely unrelated. Men are better than women at compartmentalization. A man’s brain can be compared to a waffle. There are many different compartments so that he can divide his life up into separate components that don’t touch each other. His marriage and family can be in one compartment, his job in another…you get the point. This is a benefit when a man is fighting in a war and able to focus on the task at hand without worrying about his family back home. But it also makes a man able to look at pornography without thinking about how it may hurt you or his marriage. Women’s brains are more like spaghetti where everything is connected. Women are more likely to be worrying about our kids when we are at work and thinking about work when we are at home.

When a man becomes addicted to pornography, it can become a perceived need rather than a choice for him until he becomes willing to reach out for help. His use of porn causes a release of the same chemicals involved when a drug is ingested. At the height of his addiction, nothing, not even the risk of losing his job or his marriage, is enough to stop him. This explains how a politician or celebrity can make such risky, career-destroying moves without stopping to consider the consequences.

Later Ella will discuss the kinds of consequences that can catapult an addict into reality.

#2: Why does my husband prefer porn and masturbation to sex with me?

 Norman Doidge, psychiatrist and author of the acclaimed book, The Brain That Changes Itself, studied porn addicts. He stated,

They reported increasing difficulty in being turned on by their actual sexual partners, spouses, or girlfriends, though they still considered them objectively attractive. When I asked if this phenomenon had any relationship to viewing pornography, they answered that it initially helped them get more excited during sex but over time had the opposite effect.

Your husband had this addiction, or the proclivity toward it, before he ever met you, regardless of what he says. In spite of what you think or even what he might have said, nothing you could do could be enough to sexually satisfy your porn addicted spouse. Pornography presents an unrealistic reality that damages a person’s brain. They become engrossed in this fantasy world where they don’t have to worry about pleasing anyone but themselves and no emotional connection is required.

While a porn addict desperately craves love and intimacy (something he is probably unaware of), he seeks it out in the exact place that will cause him to become less and less able to experience it. As a counselor, Ella hears sexual addicts talk about their past, it becomes apparent why they are so uncomfortable with the idea of intimacy. This topic is beyond our scope here, but it is important for a wife to be aware that there is a reason her husband became addicted to porn, and that reason is not her.

#3: Why am I not enough if I am sexually available to him?

Beyond the intimacy issue, pornography offers the thrill of what is forbidden. The more taboo, the more exciting. This is why a porn addict may progress to looking at more hardcore porn and even pornography involving aspects that a healthy person would consider offensive and grotesque.

Gary Wilson, human sciences instructor, and Marnia Robinson, author of Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow: From Habit to Harmony in Sexual Relationships, state:

 The uniqueness of Internet porn can goad a user relentlessly, as it possesses all the elements that keep dopamine surging. The excitement of the hunt for the perfect image releases dopamine. Moreover, there’s always something new, always something kinkier. Dopamine is released when something is more arousing than anticipated, causing nerve cells to fire like crazy. In contrast, sex with your spouse is not always better than expected. Nor does it offer endless variety. This can cause problems because a primitive part of your brain assumes quantity of dopamine equals value of activity, even when it doesn’t. Indeed, porn’s dopamine fireworks can produce a drug-like high that is more compelling than sex with a familiar mate.

#4: He says he looks at porn because I don’t have sex with him enough, am I not pretty enough, am I  too fat, etc. What can I do?

Ella hears this a lot and it is called justification. Your husband doesn’t want to believe he is sick. If he is not ready to admit he is an addict and take responsibility for his own behavior, he will say anything to convince you, and even himself, that he does not have a problem. Blaming you is an easy way to save face.

There is nothing you could do to be appealing enough to make your husband stop looking at porn. We see very beautiful women whose husbands no longer desire them, couples where the wife looks like she belongs on the cover of Cosmopolitan magazine or on a model runway, and the husband has admitted to her that he is physically repulsed by her. Ella speaks of another couple who has sex every day, yet she still catches him looking at porn and frequenting adult bookstores. There is simply no credibility to the argument that a wife causes or contributes to her husband’s use of pornography.

#5: My husband says all men do it. Am I making too big a deal out of this?

It is unfortunate, but true, that pornography use is overwhelmingly common. This does not make it okay or mean you should turn a blind eye. Ella often hears women say that their husband’s porn use makes them feel cheated on. This makes sense. When a man uses porn he is finding sexual satisfaction from someone other than his wife. So the betrayal a woman feels is natural. God created sex to be between a man and his wife. The Ten Commandments interpret looking at a woman with lust is the same as committing adultery with her in his heart. Looking at porn is purposely choosing to lust.

#6: My husband refuses to get help or admit this is a problem. How can I make him stop? What are the risks if he doesn’t stop?

In short, you cannot make him stop. It usually takes something significant to get a man to the point where he is ready to admit his porn addiction. This is what they call “hitting rock bottom”. Sometimes, for a man who has hidden his porn use for years, just getting caught is enough. But more often, it takes losing his job, his wife leaving him, or another monumental event to shake him to the core and wake him up to reality. It may be his porn use progressing to acting out with another person or other people and facing the multiple possible consequences of this, to cause him to recognize his need for help.

You can insist your husband stop his porn use and you have every right to do so. The compulsive use of porn will, without exception, do damage to your marriage and your family. It affects a person’s sense of right and wrong. It can cause your husband to lose respect for you. You will likely feel him pulling further away from you and your family as he gets more entrenched in this sinful lifestyle. If he refuses help, it will only get worse. Your pleading that he stop will fall on deaf ears if he isn’t ready to hear it. This is a harsh reality, but one too many women just do not get. Some women beg and plead for decades until they grow cold and bitter. Then they tell me that they wish they had left years ago and feel they have wasted most of their life.

When porn is an issue, it is likely that extramarital affairs are or will become an issue. This means you are at risk of more than the heartache of discovering your husband has been sexual with another person. You are also at risk of STDs or your husband fathering another woman’s child. Additionally, your children are almost guaranteed early exposure to porn, something that was likely a contributing factor in your husband’s addiction.

#7: Is there hope? Can a man like this change?

Recovery from sexual addiction is very much possible. Men who get out feel a sense of freedom, as if a huge boulder has been lifted off their chest. It is such a liberating feeling that many men forget that their wives are still grieving from his actions and likely will be for some time.

For some men, simply the threat of their wife leaving is enough to cause them to get help. But for many others, they need something more. This can cause you, as the wife, to feel helpless. You are not helpless. You can’t control your husband’s recovery, but as the injured spouse, you can control your own. The fact that you need recovery does not mean you are sick or that something is wrong with you, but that you have likely been traumatized by your husband’s behavior. Your recovery includes building up a support system for yourself. Don’t keep silent. Reach out to a trusted friend, your pastor, or a therapist. Keeping this secret will cause feelings of shame, loneliness, and isolation. Finding a support group for wives of sex/porn addicts can be very helpful. If there is not one in your area, there are phone support groups available, led by trained life coaches and therapists who have been in your shoes. Finally, learn to recognize your unmet needs and what it will take to meet them. A skilled therapist can help you with this. The absolute best book written for wives is Your Sexually Addicted Spouse, by Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means. Ella strongly encourages you to find a therapist (individual and marriage) who is familiar with this book and subscribes to the treatment model described in it. If your therapist isn’t familiar, ask if they’d be willing to read it.

Beyond self-care, Ella recommends that you take some time to come up with some clear, firm boundaries for your marriage. While this may not result in the desired outcome, it is worth it to put in the effort. At the very least, this is a first step toward helping you get to a place where you can make an informed decision about the direction of your relationship. This means bottom-line behaviors you will not tolerate and actions you need to see happening in order for you to feel safe in your marriage. Your list of unacceptable behaviors may include viewing pornography in the home, inappropriate conversations or relationships with other people, and other possible abusive behaviors toward you that are often present in a sexual addict. The actions you need to see your husband take might be installing a filter on computers and phones, open discussions about where all the money is going with you having access to all accounts, attending sexual purity or sexual addiction support groups, counseling, and talking to a pastor.

Before you present this to your husband, make sure you are prepared to follow through with consequences if he refuses or does not stick to what he agreed to do. Consequences can be anything from insisting one of you move to a separate bedroom (an in-house separation) to one of you moving out of the home. Your husband will likely be resistant to you setting these boundaries and may accuse you of being demanding and giving him an ultimatum. Do not engage in any kind of manipulative or accusatory conversations with your husband. Learn to recognize this behavior and refuse to participate. It is important that you wait to address your new boundaries until you are able to do so in a calm manner. A therapist’s presence (and guidance beforehand) is a good idea. A good book on this topic is The Gaslight Effect by Dr. Robin Stern.

If your husband does not follow the boundaries you set, you now have a choice to make. You can choose to accept that your husband is simply not ready to stop his porn use. This means letting go of the nagging, criticism, and efforts to control (which should have stopped already by this point since you have learned they don’t work). If you choose to to not follow through with the consequences, even though he has made it clear through his words or actions that he is not willing to stop, you are choosing to accept his behavior. This will probably require a good deal of emotional detachment on your part. It may be a marriage that looks more like you are roommates. Ella says she has not yet met a woman who has chosen this arrangement and found any kind of long-term life satisfaction in it, but it is an option.

Your choices may need to include making the necessary preparations in case you need to leave. This may mean getting a job if you don’t work and starting to put money aside. Separation does not mean divorce, but it can be a prelude to it. Ideally, that should not be the goal for separation. The purpose is to show your husband that you are unwilling to share him with pornography. Once he sees you are serious and can no longer be placated with words and half-hearted attempts that don’t last, he is also more likely to take his addiction seriously. Also, getting physical space between you and him can make it easier for you to clear your mind, spend more time in prayer and God’s Word, and make objective decisions about your future. A good Christian counselor can guide you through a therapeutic separation where rules are put in place for you both to follow during this time.

Many men have escaped the chains of sexual addiction. Here is an important truth to be aware of. Your husband has probably tried to stop more times than he can count. He is not deriving pleasure from his lifestyle. He keeps going back, trying to fill a void that porn will never fill. Willpower is not enough. Recovery from sexual addiction is multifaceted, but includes reaching out to other men who have been there, and often requires professional help as well.

God must be the central focus in recovery. However, many men have learned the hard way, in the words of author, speaker, therapist and recovering addict, Dr. Mark Laaser, “You can’t pray it away.” If prayer was all we needed then we wouldn’t have to have jobs or pay bills. We could just pray about it and our bank account would never run out and the bills would get paid. If prayer was enough we could eat and drink whatever we want and every check-up would reveal a clean bill of health. But God wants us to do the work, and keep doing it.

Once a man has decided to become serious about recovery from sexual addiction, there are more steps to take to help the marriage heal. After all, just because the behavior has stopped, it doesn’t mean the damage that has been done will go away. Marriage counseling with a skilled sex addiction therapist is important. Couple’s Intensives are a great way to get a jump start on recovery for the couple. Ella recommends the book Hope and Freedom by Milton Magness to learn more about recovery for you, your husband, and your marriage and to learn about intensives. You can also read about intensives and other issues surrounding marriage and sexual addiction on Ella’s website, Comfort Christian Counseling.

. . . .

Ella Hutchinson, is a Licensed Professional Counselor with a Bachelor of Science degree in Psychology and a Master’s degree in Counseling from St. Edward’s University in Austin, TX. She is also a member of the American Association of Christian Counselors. In addition, Ella is certified in treating sex addiction and specializes in counseling partners of sexual addicts. She practices at:

Comfort Christian Counseling,

2900 Commercial Center Blvd #101, Katy, TX 77494

You can contact Ella at:

http://comfortchristiancounseling.com/

 

 

 

 

 

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Posted in Addiction Recovery Posts, Family Dynamics, love addiction, mental health, Pornography, pornography addiction, Research, Sex Addiction | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Comments Off on 7 Questions Wives of Porn Addicts Ask

This is your brain on porn….

melissa-new-post

Melissa Killeen

Pornography addiction and the reward pathway

Norman Doidge, author of the Brain that Changes Itself posits that deep inside your brain, there’s something called a “reward pathway.” We all have one, your cat has one, laboratory rats have one —all mammals have them, there is a reward pathway in all of us. The reward pathway’s job is to help keep you alive and happy by doing exactly what its name promises: it rewards you when you do something that promotes your life and well-being, like eating good food or cleaning up your apartment.

The reward pathway releases chemicals in your brain—mainly one that’s called dopamine, but others, as well, like serotonin and oxytocin. For example, when you eat something delicious, your brain releases dopamine, and it makes you feel good. Or if you hold hands with someone you care about, your brain releases a chemical called oxytocin, which helps you bond with people.

A neuron is a brain cell. A neuro chemical, is the chemical a neuron or brain cell releases to send a message to other cells. When a lot of brain cells get activated at the same time by something you see, taste, hear or smell, they release chemicals that help strengthen the connection between themselves and other brain cells (or neurons). Think of these brain cells being cemented together with neuro chemicals to build this reward pathway, in other words a reward superhighway. So, every time you went to visit your Grandma Martha she gave you a big hug, walked out on the porch, sat with you talking about what had changed for you since you last visited, while rocking with you on that big porch swing and she gave you a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup to unwrap. You probably feel pretty great about Grandma Martha. Your brain has built a superhighway connecting thoughts of Grandma Martha with feeling happy, being loved and eating peanut butter cups. You have many of these of brain pathways for all sorts of things: talking to Grandma, riding a bike, eating lunch, walking the dog, and when a person looks at porn, their brain creates a new pathway for that, too.

Viewing porn stimulates the release of these pleasure chemicals. This rush of neuro chemicals happens over and over again, eventually creating a new reward pathway. Ultimately, constant porn use turns the reward pathway into a superhighway directing the viewer’s decision-making brain to want to view pornography for the quick rewards of the dopamine rush, rather than seeking healthy but less stimulating rewards, like eating a piece of chocolate or holding a girl’s hand. This changes the make-up of the viewer’s brain, and eventually results in an ever increasing appetite for porn.

Dopamine is sometimes referred to as the “pleasure chemical.” You may have heard that dopamine controls the “pleasure” systems of the brain, but these are not technically, accurate assumptions. Dopamine is all about wanting, seeking and searching for rewards, the anticipation of getting something.  Dopamine is  the motivation that drives us to pursue potential rewards or long-term goals. Although controversial, research suggests that driving “the want” best captures what dopamine does. The final reward, the feeling of satisfaction, arises from opioids, brain chemicals such as mu opioids and endocannabinoids, which are the brain’s natural versions of heroin and marijuana. As psychologist Susan Weinschenk explained in a 2009 article, dopamine does not cause people to experience pleasure, but drives a seeking behavior. “Dopamine causes us to want, desire, seek out, and search,” she wrote. It is the opioid system that causes one to feel pleasure and satisfaction. Yet, “the dopamine system is stronger than the opioid system,” she explained. We seek more after we are satisfied, we eat when we are not hungry.

Addiction may be thought of as wanting on overdrive. Just like other addictive substances, porn floods the brain with dopamine. The brain gets overwhelmed by the constant overload of neuro chemicals that comes with addictive porn use. It fights back by taking away some of its dopamine receptors, which is like closing the garage door on a neuron cell so that the truck carrying dopamine’s payload can’t come into the loading dock. With fewer receptors (fewer garage doors open), the user can’t feel dopamine’s full effect, even if the brain is producing all that it can. As a result, the pornography viewer isn’t as stimulated as they were before. So they go hunting for more porn, more novelty porn or more hardcore porn with the goal of receiving the same jolt of dopamine they received the day before. As the porn addict’s brain adjusts to these higher levels of dopamine flooding through it, regular activities that would normally set off a burst of dopamine to make the person feel happy, no longer work. Happy moments with their children, watching a football game with friends or a simple walk with their spouse leave the addict wanting a more stimulating jolt. So they return to porn, not more activities with their kids, nor more spousal contact. They go to view more porn because it delivers such a reliable and massive jolt. That’s one reason why pornography can be so addictive.

There is another reason porn is addictive, we get bored with the same old, same old. Researchers tested this theory. They wired up some 45 guys, each one a healthy 25 to 36 years old. Each participant had sensors on their penises that were linked to a computer. Researchers played the same erotic film repeatedly for these dudes. They had to watch porn. The researchers had to watch them watching porn and monitor indications of arousal, yes, in these guys’ man parts. This went on for three days. Torture, right? Well, the reports revealed a progressive decrease in sexual arousal after the 15th viewing of the same tape. The “same old, same old” gets boring. Seeing the same pornographic video, or even having sex with the same partner using the same position, over and over again, reduces dopamine production, and eases the jolt. After 18 viewings of the same erotic video, test subjects were nodding off. So researchers introduced a different, more erotic video for the 19th and 20th viewings. Bingo! The subjects and their penises sprang to attention. And yes, this theory also worked on women, for whom research showed similar effects.

Internet porn is especially enticing to the reward circuitry because a new mate, an unusual scene, a strange sexual act, or—fill in the blank—is just a click away. Something different every click. With multiple windows open and clicking for hours, one can experience more sex partners in ten minutes than our hunter-gatherer ancestors experienced in a lifetime.

Research confirms anticipation of reward and the many varied sexual selections (called novelty by the researchers) can amplify and increase excitement, and begins to rewire the brain—in other words, paves the porn superhighway in the brain. Pornography and erotica have been around forever, yet today’s version of Internet pornography is a completely new animal. Thanks to the power of the Internet, porn now stimulates the most powerful natural dopamine releases through a never ending stimulus cocktail using these elements:

    • Endless novelty, shock, and surprise
    • Strong emotions: surprise, fear, disgust, anxiety
    • Seeking and searching: exploring territories, foods or mating opportunities
    • Anything that violates expectations: unexpected bonanzas or dangers

All of these situations have been scientifically proven to increase dopamine surge. And because Internet porn offers an endless stream of variety, users can flip to a new image every time their high starts to fade, keeping dopamine levels elevated for hours. Virginie Despentes is a French writer, novelist and filmmaker. Her most famous novel, and film of the same name is Baise-moi, a contemporary film with a graphic mix of crime, mystery, violence and very explicit sex scenes. The title translates to: F**k Me. She states:

“Consuming pornography does not lead to more sex, it leads to more porn. Much like eating McDonalds everyday will accustom you to food that (although enjoyable) is essentially not food, pornography conditions the consumer to being satisfied with an impression of extreme sex rather than the real.”

Next week’s post will continue with the consequences of prolonged pornography use.


Resources used in this article:

Doidge, Norman M.D., (2007), The Brain That Changes Itself: Stories of Personal Triumph from the Frontiers of Brain Science, James H. Silberman Books, Penguin Books, New York, NY

Inna Schneiderman, Orna Zagoory-Sharon, James F. Leckman, Ruth Feldman (2014) Oxytocin during the initial stages of romantic attachment: Relations to couples’ interactive reciprocity, Pyschoneuroendocrinology, Aug, 20913 37(8) 1277-1285. Accessed from the National Institute of Health National Library of Medicine at: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3936960/

Hilton DL, Watts C. Pornography addiction: A neuroscience perspective. Surgical Neurology Institute [serial online] 2011 [cited 2015 Jan 9]; 2:19 http://www.surgicalneurologyint.com/text.asp?2011/2/1/19/76977

Hilton DL , (2013) Pornography addiction – a supra-normal stimulus considered in the context of neuroplasticity, Socioaffective Neuroscience & Psychology, Vol 3 (2013) incl Supplements. Accessed at: Socioaffective Neuroscience & Psychology 2013, 3: 20767 – http://dx.doi.org/10.3402/snp.v3i0.20767

John D. Salamone, Mercè Correa The Mysterious Motivational Functions of Mesolimbic Dopamine (2012), Neuron – 8 November 2012 (Vol. 76, Issue 3, pp. 470-485)Accessed at: http://yourbrainonporn.com/mysterious-motivational-functions-mesolimbic-dopamine-2012

Your Brain on Porn.com web site, the video of Dr Robert Sapolsky describing anticipation and dopamine. Accessed at: http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/dopamine-more-about-anticipation-dr-robert-sapolsky

Your Brain on Porn.com web site featured: Is the Pleasure Molecule Dopamine? (2008), Accessed at: http://yourbrainonporn.com/is-the-pleasure-molecule-dopamine-2011

Susan Weinschenk, PhD. (2009)100 Things You Should Know About People: #8 Dopamine Makes You Addicted To Seeking Information, Team W Blog Accessed at: http://www.blog.theteamw.com/2009/11/07/100-things-you-should-know-about-people-8-dopamine-makes-us-addicted-to-seeking-information/

Kent C. Berridge and Terry E. Robinson, What is the role of dopamine in reward: hedonic impact, reward learning, or incentive salience?: Brain Research Reviews, 28, 1998. 309–369.

Terry E. Robinson and Kent C. Berridge (2008.) The review of the incentive sensitization theory of addiction: some current issues. Philosophical Translations of the Royal Society. B (2008) 363, 3137–3146 doi:10.1098/rstb.2008.0093. Published online 18 July 2008, Downloaded from http://rstb.royalsocietypublishing.org/ on January 9, 2015

Ingrid Meuwissen, Ray Oliver, Habituation and Dishabituation of Female Sexual Around (19 90) Behavior, Research and Theory, Vol 28, No 3, p 217-226 Access at: http://www.mendeley.com/catalog/habituation-dishabituation-female-sexual-arousal/#page-1

Gary Wilson, (2010) Intoxicating Behaviors: 300 Vaginas = A Lot of Dopamine, Your Brain on Porn.com web site featured: http://yourbrainonporn.com/intoxicating-behaviors-300-vaginas-a-lot-of-dopamine

Your Brain on Porn.com web site featured: Novelty increases the mesolimbic functional connectivity of the substantia nigra/ventral tegmental area (SN/VTA) during reward anticipation: Evidence from high-resolution fMRI (2011). Accessed at: http://yourbrainonporn.com/novelty-increases-mesolimbic-functional-connectivity-substantia-nigraventral-tegmental-area-snvta

http://www.Wikipedia.com http://www.yourbrainonporn.com http://compulsionsolutions.com http://fightthenewdrug.org/

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