Tag Archives: love avoidant

Why are Love Addicts and Love Avoidants, or Love Ambivalents attracted to each other?

The last person a love addict should be attracted to is a love avoidant or love ambivalent. But all love addicts are attracted to love avoidants or love ambivalents. Why? In order to answer this we have to go back and look at the relationships these addicts experienced with their primary caregivers.

Childhood experiences

The love addict has had a relationship with their primary caregiver that proved to them they can be abandoned at any time. That is a familiar fear, holding-hands1prompting love addicts to try harder to get the attention and love of their partners. Love avoidants have experienced a highly dependent caregiver. One who smothers the avoidant, requiring the attention that was difficult for an immature child to bring forth. As a result, the avoidant sees relationships as work. Love ambivalents have experienced both a smothering caregiver and an abandoning caregiver. For example, a father who left the family, resulting in a mother who uses the child as a surrogate spouse to take care of her emotional needs.

Even though each of these addicts dislike the role they were given in childhood, it is a familiar role, and they feel comfortable in it. A role that when engaged in adulthood, feels like the same type of love that they had as a child for their caregiver. Because they were so young when experiencing these feelings, the child knew they had to love their caregiver, with the child thinking these feelings of being smothered or abandoned equaled a type of love.

So a love addict, avoidant or ambivalent is attracted to the unconscious display of these traits from a new adult coming into their lives. After a few weeks, or months, these behaviors start to spark the feelings inside that the love addict, avoidant or ambivalent recalls, albeit unconsciously, from their youth. Their old frustrations with their caregiver are placed onto the new adult relationship. These feelings are akin to love for the love addict, avoidant or ambivalent, but actually just recreate the relationship they had with their parent or caregivers.

The love addict, avoidant or ambivalent wants to heal these old childhood wounds and fix what wasn’t right with their first “love” (their parent or caregivers). In doing everything in their power to do this, they believe there is a possibility of fulfilling the childhood fantasy of having the perfect mate (cue the Cinderella or the Shrek DVD). Avoidants are programed to rescue, so when they see a damsel in distress, they move very powerfully, even seductively, to take up that challenge. I say seductively, because the avoidant wants unconsciously to rescue, and to be in control of the relationship. If they control, they cannot be controlled, as they were in their formative years. However, there is always a rear-exit door left open. Ambivalents were chastised for showing too much emotion in their youth, so in adulthood, they commit to being detached in emotional settings.

What can these addicts do to change?

As an adult, the love addict, avoidant or ambivalent may be able to realize these are not healthy behaviors and re-think these acts. Perhaps the love addict, avoidant or ambivalent has learned from the consequences of past, broken relationships. As adults, these addicts may be able to realize these are not healthy feelings and identify their actions, like acknowledging when the love addict grasps for more attention, it is in order to not be abandoned. Recognizing that when the avoidant flees from intimate relationships, they are reverting to childlike behaviors. And being aware of when the ambivalent starts feeling undecided about a lover does nothing for the relationship.

These individuals want desperately to have a healthy, long-term relationship, so perhaps trying some new behaviors can be possible. I suggest taking more time in courting. Spend more non-sexual time with the prospective partner. Learn how to speak more about their feelings of fear and work out some common responses to the feelings of flight, fight or freeze. Every new relationship brings a new set of “situations” to resolve. Being more open to dating people who do not send the charge of electricity or chemistry through the addict’s body is another suggestion. These addictive feelings, thoughts and/or behaviors are not present in a healthy, non-addict adult. These healthy adults are often passed over by the addict, because they see them as boring, or the addict acknowledges the “chemistry” was not strong enough to capture their interests. I suggest giving these healthy adults another chance, another date or another month, or two, to develop the relationship further. The addict may be surprised in the result. Above all else, avoid sexual contact as long as possible during this courtship phase. I suggest embracing a healthy dating plan (Google it!) that includes a minimum of three months of non-sexual dating.

A very intimate discussion is a conversation on why saying the word love is difficult or challenging, or perhaps too easy (as in the case of the love addict). Another intimacy exercise is the game of ‘In to me, I see’, which one person closes their eyes and says ‘When I look into myself, I see…’ and then explains what they see. This isn’t an after dinner game for a party, but is an interchange between two lovers, using a simple statement that will spark a similar response with the other.

How does a healthy person think about love?

A healthy person doesn’t compulsively fantasize about a white knight rescuing them or a beautiful girl on their arm making them a better person. Each of us have the potential within to feel whole and fulfilled. We are the ones who develop our own competence, our own self-esteem. We use self-love, self-nurturing, self-protection, self-awareness and self-care to build these strengths.

Each of us finds the meaning of life for ourselves. The only part a partner can help with is sharing their search for the discovery of the meaning of their lives. Ultimately, no one can make us do anything. If they do, we will reject them. Don’t even go down that path. Allow your partner to do what he or she needs to do for themselves, and stop yourself when you feel you are falling back into old, addictive behaviors.

A healthy relationship is not based on need, fear, compulsion or obsession. It does not thrive on that electrical bolt of energy or chemical reaction. It is like a little seed, in the fresh, spring earth, that needs nurturing to grow. Not too much water, not too firm earth. Get the picture?

Healthy people love themselves. Shed the fear of ego or dread of being viewed negatively. Speak to your therapist about these fears. Allow yourself to grow emotionally and spiritually. It may take a few relationships to allow this self-nurturing and growth to happen, it’s not an overnight thing. During your development as a healthy person, someone will walk into your life, and both of you will experience a blossoming of growth, just like that little seed.

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Others in the Dance of Love…

A few more members are joining us in the Dance of Love

Being AmbivilentLike Goldilocks, women (mostly) are all looking for the “three bears,” all in one man. Not too hot (average looking), not too cold (balanced ego) and is just right (financially self-supporting). Goldilocks often fantasizes that her perfect mate has a little bit of the great characteristics from all of her former lovers, such as from former relationship #1, the characteristic of the caring guy that gives her presents, or the handy man-car mechanic from former relationship #2 or the paternal instincts of former relationship #3. When Love Addicts fantasize about someone, they cannot let it go, even if their love interest is emotionally unavailable or toxic. By toxic, I mean their love interests are abusive, controlling, narcissistic or addicted to something.

The Torchbearer

Love Addicts who obsess for years over one person are called “Torchbearers.” This used to be called unrequited love. This kind of love addiction, more than any other, breeds by fantasies and delusions. Flash to the image of a tween’s bedroom with the current teen idol’s poster on her wall. Torchbearers often believe that their infatuation is reciprocated (returned). However, Torchbearers can develop erotomania — a delusion in which a person believes that another person (typically of higher social status) is in love with them.

The Relationship Addict

If the Love Addict is not in love anymore, but is just hanging in there for the companionship, they are a Relationship Addict. I describe these in a gender description of a woman, however, these characteristics can exist in a man as well. The non-committed, emotionally unavailable man (love avoidant) pairing with an overly attentive female (love addict) who is willing to hang in there, no matter what, is a surprisingly a common type of relationship. Ever wonder about the woman in a fifty-year marriage to an emotionally distant, overly sports-focused male, and ask “Why?”

The Player

Today, we might find an “eager to sow their wild oats” young adult, and describe them as a “player.” Is this person unable to commit to an emotionally intimate partner? Perhaps they are fearful of emotional vulnerability and afraid to get involved in a relationship that may challenge them. By being vulnerable to a mate, would that make them less of an independent person? Again, these descriptions apply to any gender, man or woman. Players are really love ambivalents.

The Love Ambivalent

In therapy, ambivalent individuals recall feeling humiliated, at some point, in their young childhood for being too emotional. Parents may have conveyed that “big boys don’t cry” or girls shouldn’t be a “drama queen.” They recall making a silent vow to never display any needs or emotional weaknesses. For them, the sad result is they reject the emotions needed for deep and intimate attachments. They are fearful of chastisement or criticism when they show emotions. They don’t cry at sad movies. They sign birthday cards to their children with a “luv ya.” They are often termed as cold and uncaring. They never share their feelings nor can they ever express their true selves, vulnerable feelings and all. What saves many of these ambivalents, is there is at least one person with whom they can feel safe, a grandfather, an aunt or sometimes a friend.

When the ambivalent reads about the love addict or love avoidant, they identify with them both, feeling somewhat split, personality-wise, between the two. They want love, but turn away when love gets a bit too intimate. When I refer to love addicts and love avoidants being two sides of the same coin, that coin is really the love ambivalent.

The love ambivalent eventually tires of running around, ages out of being a player or sees their love interest maturing to the next level of commitment. Fearing being left alone (yes, abandonment plays a large part in an ambivalents’ life, as well) they will commit to the latest person in their lives. This can bring a feeling of relief to the ambivalent’s partner/love addict/love interest, at first. But as the marriage progresses, unless the ambivalent has worked out a better way to communicate, show vulnerability and understand how to be intimate, the ambivalence continues. The partner finds themselves with an unreadable partner on whom they cannot depend for the plain old logistics of family life, let alone their own emotional needs.

Are you a love ambivalent?

The challenge is not to overly analyze how you feel or think about your ambivalence but rather to reflect on the various decisions that you make after making a commitment to someone. Consider this: decide daily (and I do mean daily) to be faithful, honest, thoughtful, loving, and so forth — or identify if you choose to run away, pick a fight, or turn to an addiction. Obviously, romantic, intimate relationships should be loving and certainly more good than bad, but expect that sometimes you might act in ambivalent ways with your partner or family. Learn from these situations and improve upon them the next time you encounter a similar situation. Being perfect is being just plain unrealistic. So, be ambivalent, but then decide to behave in ways that are consistent with your new values and emotional commitment.

Lesson learned.

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The Dance of the Love Addict and the Love Avoidant

A love addict knows they do not want an emotionally unavailable partner, and the love avoidant knows they want an emotionally distant mate. Yet, the love addict and love avoidant still end up being attracted to each other.

The love addict, having experienced childhood emotional and/or physical abandonment, will look for someone who can dance of a love avoidant love addict“rescue” them. The love avoidant, having experienced childhood enmeshment, will look for a person to “rescue.”

Love avoidants recognize and are attracted to the love addict’s strong need to be rescued, or their fear of being abandoned. Avoidants know that they have control with a love addict. All they have to do to trigger their partner’s abandonment fear by being distant or threatening to leave. Love avoidants, whenever they pull that ‘I am leaving’ trigger, use it so they are in control. This allows them to be distant, to escape and avoid intimacy whenever they want. The avoidant’s behavior makes the love addict do anything to keep the avoidant, anything at any cost in order not to be abandoned. This interplay is what we refer to as “the dance.”

What does the love addict/love avoidant dance look like?

The love addict enters any relationship in a haze of fantasy, whereas the love avoidant feels compelled to take care of a person who presents as “needy,” even though the avoidant is unsure of their long-term staying potential in the relationship. The dance of the love addict and love avoidant goes something like this:

Love Addict: “I am SOOOOO happy…I met this man and he’s everything I’ve always wanted…he has a fantastic job, loves travelling and loves children. We’re trying to see each other every day and I text him every morning, we talk at least 20 times a day… ”

Avoidant: “I met this girl, I’m not too sure about her, but she’s nice, I mean…I may as well give it a try…”

The love addict uses denial to protect their addictive rituals and fantasies, not wanting to look at the avoidant building up walls and starting to back away. The love avoidant, in order not to be controlled and to fulfil his or her duty, appears to be two things: being available to help, maybe even being sexually available, but hiding behind a wall that protects the avoidant from any emotional connection.

Love Addict: “It’s great, I mean, he works a lot – weekends included – and with his volunteer commitments, we don’t spend a lot of time together but that’s okay….Guess what? He’s invited me for a get-away weekend at the beach!

Avoidant: “OK…I’d better give her something or she’s really going to get mad….I’m going to send her flowers and maybe book a hotel room at the beach….”

Something happens and reality comes crashing in on the love addict, the fantasy of a relationship with the perfect person is destroyed. The love addict enters  emotional withdrawal from the fantasy and in this withdrawal phase they experience an overwhelming sense of pain, shame, rage or panic. At the same time, the love avoidant starts to feel controlled or smothered. An entitlement characteristic comes forth and the avoidant says they deserve their independence, their life, they have work or family responsibilities, etc. The avoidant turns from the white knight into a wall of brick.

Love Addict: “You’ll never believe it…first he said he’d phone me and then he didn’t. At the last minute, he cancelled the weekend at the beach because he needed to work… I don’t know how I can get through this: I feel rejected, abandoned, alone.

Avoidant: “I can’t believe she’s so angry about me cancelling the trip… I have to work. Where does she think the money comes from for the gifts, the dinners, the flowers? I’m through with her, I am done, this relationship is too much work….”

To return to the fantasy, and avoid feeling this sense of helplessness and hopelessness, the love addict either medicates, obsesses about the person or starts getting even. The love avoidant begins to feel hurt, and remembers that this is why he choose not to get close in a relationship, they create distance, and wants to numb out. The avoidant will numb out by creating an intensity outside of the relationship, often with substances, risk taking, or by sexually acting out.

Love Addict: “I’m useless and I will die alone as a bag lady, and homeless. No one wants me. How am I going to live on my own? Maybe if I change, if I go on a diet, say I am sorry…”

Avoidant: “I can’t breathe anymore… She is always telling me what she needs, wants… Gee, I need some space…I need to relax… I’ll just have this one drink (or joint, affair, etc.).”

The final part of the dance is for the love addict to return to the fantasy with the same love avoidant partner or find a new love interest…and for the love avoidant they will either return to the relationship with the love addict because they subconsciously fear being alone, and return out of guilt, or they will move on to a new partner.

Love Addict: “He called me, it’s fantastic! I think he is going to ask me to marry him!” or “You won’t believe it, I met a new guy, he just split up with someone…”

Avoidant: “If I ask her to marry me, she’ll forgive me for my affair…” or “I can’t handle her anymore…so I met this girl last night…”

What if you identify with the love addict or the love avoidant ?

The love addict has a conscious fear of being abandoned and a subconscious fear of being controlled. In contrast, the love avoidant has a conscious fear of being controlled and a subconscious fear of being abandoned. They are two sides of the same coin. Both have experienced childhood trauma, both need to learn about how to face their fears, and their abandonment traumas. Both need to embrace a desire to achieve healthy intimacy with their partner.

If you find yourself enmeshed in this ‘Dance”, consider speaking to a professional. The Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health has certified therapists in your area that may be able to help.

 

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