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Why are Love Addicts and Love Avoidants, or Love Ambivalents attracted to each other?

The last person a love addict should be attracted to is a love avoidant or love ambivalent. But all love addicts are attracted to love avoidants or love ambivalents. Why? In order to answer this we have to go back and look at the relationships these addicts experienced with their primary caregivers.

Childhood experiences

The love addict has had a relationship with their primary caregiver that proved to them they can be abandoned at any time. That is a familiar fear, holding-hands1prompting love addicts to try harder to get the attention and love of their partners. Love avoidants have experienced a highly dependent caregiver. One who smothers the avoidant, requiring the attention that was difficult for an immature child to bring forth. As a result, the avoidant sees relationships as work. Love ambivalents have experienced both a smothering caregiver and an abandoning caregiver. For example, a father who left the family, resulting in a mother who uses the child as a surrogate spouse to take care of her emotional needs.

Even though each of these addicts dislike the role they were given in childhood, it is a familiar role, and they feel comfortable in it. A role that when engaged in adulthood, feels like the same type of love that they had as a child for their caregiver. Because they were so young when experiencing these feelings, the child knew they had to love their caregiver, with the child thinking these feelings of being smothered or abandoned equaled a type of love.

So a love addict, avoidant or ambivalent is attracted to the unconscious display of these traits from a new adult coming into their lives. After a few weeks, or months, these behaviors start to spark the feelings inside that the love addict, avoidant or ambivalent recalls, albeit unconsciously, from their youth. Their old frustrations with their caregiver are placed onto the new adult relationship. These feelings are akin to love for the love addict, avoidant or ambivalent, but actually just recreate the relationship they had with their parent or caregivers.

The love addict, avoidant or ambivalent wants to heal these old childhood wounds and fix what wasn’t right with their first “love” (their parent or caregivers). In doing everything in their power to do this, they believe there is a possibility of fulfilling the childhood fantasy of having the perfect mate (cue the Cinderella or the Shrek DVD). Avoidants are programed to rescue, so when they see a damsel in distress, they move very powerfully, even seductively, to take up that challenge. I say seductively, because the avoidant wants unconsciously to rescue, and to be in control of the relationship. If they control, they cannot be controlled, as they were in their formative years. However, there is always a rear-exit door left open. Ambivalents were chastised for showing too much emotion in their youth, so in adulthood, they commit to being detached in emotional settings.

What can these addicts do to change?

As an adult, the love addict, avoidant or ambivalent may be able to realize these are not healthy behaviors and re-think these acts. Perhaps the love addict, avoidant or ambivalent has learned from the consequences of past, broken relationships. As adults, these addicts may be able to realize these are not healthy feelings and identify their actions, like acknowledging when the love addict grasps for more attention, it is in order to not be abandoned. Recognizing that when the avoidant flees from intimate relationships, they are reverting to childlike behaviors. And being aware of when the ambivalent starts feeling undecided about a lover does nothing for the relationship.

These individuals want desperately to have a healthy, long-term relationship, so perhaps trying some new behaviors can be possible. I suggest taking more time in courting. Spend more non-sexual time with the prospective partner. Learn how to speak more about their feelings of fear and work out some common responses to the feelings of flight, fight or freeze. Every new relationship brings a new set of “situations” to resolve. Being more open to dating people who do not send the charge of electricity or chemistry through the addict’s body is another suggestion. These addictive feelings, thoughts and/or behaviors are not present in a healthy, non-addict adult. These healthy adults are often passed over by the addict, because they see them as boring, or the addict acknowledges the “chemistry” was not strong enough to capture their interests. I suggest giving these healthy adults another chance, another date or another month, or two, to develop the relationship further. The addict may be surprised in the result. Above all else, avoid sexual contact as long as possible during this courtship phase. I suggest embracing a healthy dating plan (Google it!) that includes a minimum of three months of non-sexual dating.

A very intimate discussion is a conversation on why saying the word love is difficult or challenging, or perhaps too easy (as in the case of the love addict). Another intimacy exercise is the game of ‘In to me, I see’, which one person closes their eyes and says ‘When I look into myself, I see…’ and then explains what they see. This isn’t an after dinner game for a party, but is an interchange between two lovers, using a simple statement that will spark a similar response with the other.

How does a healthy person think about love?

A healthy person doesn’t compulsively fantasize about a white knight rescuing them or a beautiful girl on their arm making them a better person. Each of us have the potential within to feel whole and fulfilled. We are the ones who develop our own competence, our own self-esteem. We use self-love, self-nurturing, self-protection, self-awareness and self-care to build these strengths.

Each of us finds the meaning of life for ourselves. The only part a partner can help with is sharing their search for the discovery of the meaning of their lives. Ultimately, no one can make us do anything. If they do, we will reject them. Don’t even go down that path. Allow your partner to do what he or she needs to do for themselves, and stop yourself when you feel you are falling back into old, addictive behaviors.

A healthy relationship is not based on need, fear, compulsion or obsession. It does not thrive on that electrical bolt of energy or chemical reaction. It is like a little seed, in the fresh, spring earth, that needs nurturing to grow. Not too much water, not too firm earth. Get the picture?

Healthy people love themselves. Shed the fear of ego or dread of being viewed negatively. Speak to your therapist about these fears. Allow yourself to grow emotionally and spiritually. It may take a few relationships to allow this self-nurturing and growth to happen, it’s not an overnight thing. During your development as a healthy person, someone will walk into your life, and both of you will experience a blossoming of growth, just like that little seed.

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Others in the Dance of Love…

A few more members are joining us in the Dance of Love

Being AmbivilentLike Goldilocks, women (mostly) are all looking for the “three bears,” all in one man. Not too hot (average looking), not too cold (balanced ego) and is just right (financially self-supporting). Goldilocks often fantasizes that her perfect mate has a little bit of the great characteristics from all of her former lovers, such as from former relationship #1, the characteristic of the caring guy that gives her presents, or the handy man-car mechanic from former relationship #2 or the paternal instincts of former relationship #3. When Love Addicts fantasize about someone, they cannot let it go, even if their love interest is emotionally unavailable or toxic. By toxic, I mean their love interests are abusive, controlling, narcissistic or addicted to something.

The Torchbearer

Love Addicts who obsess for years over one person are called “Torchbearers.” This used to be called unrequited love. This kind of love addiction, more than any other, breeds by fantasies and delusions. Flash to the image of a tween’s bedroom with the current teen idol’s poster on her wall. Torchbearers often believe that their infatuation is reciprocated (returned). However, Torchbearers can develop erotomania — a delusion in which a person believes that another person (typically of higher social status) is in love with them.

The Relationship Addict

If the Love Addict is not in love anymore, but is just hanging in there for the companionship, they are a Relationship Addict. I describe these in a gender description of a woman, however, these characteristics can exist in a man as well. The non-committed, emotionally unavailable man (love avoidant) pairing with an overly attentive female (love addict) who is willing to hang in there, no matter what, is a surprisingly a common type of relationship. Ever wonder about the woman in a fifty-year marriage to an emotionally distant, overly sports-focused male, and ask “Why?”

The Player

Today, we might find an “eager to sow their wild oats” young adult, and describe them as a “player.” Is this person unable to commit to an emotionally intimate partner? Perhaps they are fearful of emotional vulnerability and afraid to get involved in a relationship that may challenge them. By being vulnerable to a mate, would that make them less of an independent person? Again, these descriptions apply to any gender, man or woman. Players are really love ambivalents.

The Love Ambivalent

In therapy, ambivalent individuals recall feeling humiliated, at some point, in their young childhood for being too emotional. Parents may have conveyed that “big boys don’t cry” or girls shouldn’t be a “drama queen.” They recall making a silent vow to never display any needs or emotional weaknesses. For them, the sad result is they reject the emotions needed for deep and intimate attachments. They are fearful of chastisement or criticism when they show emotions. They don’t cry at sad movies. They sign birthday cards to their children with a “luv ya.” They are often termed as cold and uncaring. They never share their feelings nor can they ever express their true selves, vulnerable feelings and all. What saves many of these ambivalents, is there is at least one person with whom they can feel safe, a grandfather, an aunt or sometimes a friend.

When the ambivalent reads about the love addict or love avoidant, they identify with them both, feeling somewhat split, personality-wise, between the two. They want love, but turn away when love gets a bit too intimate. When I refer to love addicts and love avoidants being two sides of the same coin, that coin is really the love ambivalent.

The love ambivalent eventually tires of running around, ages out of being a player or sees their love interest maturing to the next level of commitment. Fearing being left alone (yes, abandonment plays a large part in an ambivalents’ life, as well) they will commit to the latest person in their lives. This can bring a feeling of relief to the ambivalent’s partner/love addict/love interest, at first. But as the marriage progresses, unless the ambivalent has worked out a better way to communicate, show vulnerability and understand how to be intimate, the ambivalence continues. The partner finds themselves with an unreadable partner on whom they cannot depend for the plain old logistics of family life, let alone their own emotional needs.

Are you a love ambivalent?

The challenge is not to overly analyze how you feel or think about your ambivalence but rather to reflect on the various decisions that you make after making a commitment to someone. Consider this: decide daily (and I do mean daily) to be faithful, honest, thoughtful, loving, and so forth — or identify if you choose to run away, pick a fight, or turn to an addiction. Obviously, romantic, intimate relationships should be loving and certainly more good than bad, but expect that sometimes you might act in ambivalent ways with your partner or family. Learn from these situations and improve upon them the next time you encounter a similar situation. Being perfect is being just plain unrealistic. So, be ambivalent, but then decide to behave in ways that are consistent with your new values and emotional commitment.

Lesson learned.

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