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Angry Birds—Part 3: The conflict between a young adult and her mother in recovery

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Melissa Killeen

In my previous blog post I touched upon the subject of how a recovering mother could cope with the conflict her 21-year-old daughter expressed during a family vacation. In this post, I explore the collision of this emerging adult woman with the codependent behaviors of her youth, while growing up in an alcoholic household. This young woman is wishing that everything that she fantasized about her childhood remained true, and in addition,  her mother  (my recovery coaching client) was a sober and a perfectly wonderful mother. To understand what is transpiring with this emerging young adult, I looked into what forms an attachment between a child and her mother.

Kim Bartholomew wrote in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology about the attachment styles of young adults. She re-imagines the four categories of attachment theory, originally drafted by English psychologist John Bowlby in the 1970s and 80s, to fit the emerging adult.

Attachment theory as outlined by Bowlby, suggests that every human develops strong affectual bonds with others while they grow up. These affectual bonds can influence feelings or emotions in the unconscious decision-making process. Whether these bonds are with a parent, caregiver, teacher or friend, they are the foundation of the young adult’s self-image and their perception of others. These building blocks, or bonds, could be metaphorically described as ingredients to make a cake, or in other words, a cup of a mother’s nurturing, a pinch of a caregiver’s consistency, a tablespoon of a father’s work ethic and a dash of fear of an elementary school bully.

Bartholomew outlined in her article that a young adult’s self-image is divided into two parts: Positive — I am worthy of love and support and Negative — I am not worthy of love and support. In turn, a young adult will form an image of others using this same theory; Positive: You are trustworthy and available or Negative: You are unreliable and rejecting.[1]

Bartholomew breaks these affectual/attachment bonds into four more categories:

  1. Secure — A sense of worthiness (lovability) plus an expectation that other people are generally accepting and responsive. “It is relatively easy for me to become emotionally close to others. I am comfortable depending on others and having others depend on me. I don’t worry about being alone or having others not accept me.”
  2. Pre-occupied — A sense of unworthiness or un-lovability, but is combined with a positive evaluation of others. This combination of characteristics would lead the person to strive for self-acceptance by gaining the acceptance of valued others. “I want to be completely emotionally intimate with others, but I often find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I am uncomfortable being without close relationships, but I sometimes worry that others don’t value me as much as I value them.”
  3. Fearful — A sense of unworthiness or un-lovability, combined with an expectation that others are untrustworthy and judgmental. By avoiding close involvement with others, this style enables people to protect themselves against anticipated rejection by others. “I am somewhat uncomfortable getting close to others. I want emotionally close relationships, but I find it difficult to trust others completely, or to depend on them. I sometimes worry that I will be hurt if I allow myself to become too close to others.”
  4. Dismissive-Avoidant — A sense of love-worthiness, combined with a negative disposition toward other people. Such people protect themselves against disappointment by avoiding close relationships and maintaining a sense of independence and invulnerability. “I am comfortable without close emotional relationships. It is very important to me to feel independent and self-sufficient, and I prefer not to depend on others or have others depend on me.”[2]

For children of parents addicted to drugs or alcohol, life can be a nightmare riddled with confusion, fear, anger, and resentment. Could this emerging young adult be straddled between Pre-Occupied and Fearful in Bartholomew’s categories? Uncomfortable being without close maternal relationship, but  sometimes worried that Mom doesn’t value her as much as she values Mom? And/or is she finding it difficult to trust her Mom completely, or to depend on her. Based on this young adult’s history with her Mom, is she sometimes worrying that she’ll will be hurt if she allows  herself to become too close? The mere definition of being a young adult means it is very important to her to feel independent and self-sufficient, which leads into Bartholomew’s Dismissive-Avoidant  category.

Does this give you an idea on how conflicted the emerging adult can be?

The task of knowing how to effectively deal with addicted parents is further complicated by the fact that children of addicts and alcoholics are at a higher risk of developing their own addictions and alcoholism based on their biology and upbringing. Unlikely as it may seem, dealing with addicted parents and shaping a healthier, happier life is possible for emerging adults.

More will follow in my next week’s blog.


 

[1] Journal of Personality and Social Psychology Copyright 1991 by the American Psychological Association, Inc.
1991, Vol. 61, No. 2, 226-244 0022-3514/91/
Attachment Styles among Young Adults: A Test of a Four-Category Model
Kim Bartholomew, Simon Fraser University, Burnaby, British Columbia, Canada
Leonard M. Horowitz, Stanford University, Palo Alto, CA, Pg 2.
Accessed on 7.17.14 at:  http://tad.org.mx/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/Attachment-Styles-Among-Young-Adults.pdf.

[2] Journal of Personality and Social Psychology Copyright 1991 by the American Psychological Association, Inc.
1991, Vol. 61, No. 2, 226-244 0022-3514/91/
Attachment Styles among Young Adults: A Test of a Four-Category Model
Kim Bartholomew Simon Fraser University, Burnaby, British Columbia, Canada
Leonard M. Horowitz, Stanford University, Palo Alto, CA , Pg.4,5 and 19
Accessed on 7.17.14 at:  http://tad.org.mx/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/Attachment-Styles-Among-Young-Adults.pdf.

 

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Angry Birds—the conflict between a young adult and her mother in recovery

melissa-new-post

Melissa Killeen

Most people have been exposed to the difficulty young adults encounter when trying to separate from their parents, as enacted in the 2006 American romantic comedy film, Failure to Launch, starring Matthew McConaughey. The film highlights a young man’s struggle to detach himself from his parents coupled with the desire to remain a child, and the anger that results from the failure or success of doing either. The anger, however, is not just the property of the young adult; it is also owned by the parent(s) who want the same things for their child; to separate successfully while also wanting them to remain the elementary school child, fully dependent and unconditionally loving them. Things can get complicated.

Psychologist Jeffrey Arnett suggests that there is a new age classification, labeled emerging adults, which bridges the gap between adolescence and adulthood. According to Arnett’s theory, people in their 20’s go through a time of development that’s distinct from other stages of adulthood. Ronald Cohen, a Bowen Family Systems trained psychiatrist from Great Neck, NY, cites that “becoming an adult, leaving home and staying connected is the first stage in Carter and McGoldrick’s formulation of The Expanded Family Life Cycle. This Family Life Cycle transition can be described as beginning with the adolescent’s ‘identity crisis’. It continues through the transition to college and into young adulthood. Some young adults end up never leaving home. Others end up cutting off and becoming estranged and distant from their family. Both of these responses are sub-optimal solutions to the struggles of the launching phase.”

A emerging adult’s tasks in this transitional launching phase are primarily focused on the development of autonomy and healthy interdependence. Interdependence is defined as the mutual dependence between people, places and things, such as how a bee needs to pollenate flowers or when an emerging adult needs to borrow Mom’s car and will agree to take it for an oil change. The goal is to develop differentiation, for the emerging adult to become emotionally and financially accountable to one’s self, while at the same time maintaining connections with their family, without taking on their ‘stuff’.

Case in point, is the situation of my client, a 45-year-old alcoholic in recovery and her  21 year old daughter. The ‘stuff’ is this client’s addiction, the years of enmeshment and the trauma to which her daughter was exposed. My client and her not so perfect sobriety time, which includes two DUIs, an attempted suicide and three stints in a residential treatment center since 2011, is attempting to make amends. The daughter, who is attending college, living with a boyfriend on the other side of the country, is attempting to launch. On the surface, this relationship is like kerosene and water.

Ronald Cohen states “The way to develop differentiation is not to cut off, but to see other family members for who they are and stay connected with them despite their shortcomings.” Sometimes, it is so difficult to stay connected that the emerging adult just wants to run away and not fight this particular battle.

These two were supposed to have some family time together in Philadelphia over the Fourth of July holiday. Let’s just say this, the fireworks were not only in the air over Philadelphia this holiday weekend, but also in this suburban home with explosive interactions including threats, four letter words, the use of all capital letters in texts, and the triangulation of other family members. It was my role to shed some light on the right way to develop differentiation, which is not to cut off all relations to the family, but to see other family members for who they are and stay connected with them, despite their shortcomings.

Many times these shortcomings have caused this young woman significant trauma. How do you cope with a young adult that is very angry that their mother (or father) was a hopeless drunk during their upbringing or has a mental health diagnosis? What happens when recovery changes that parent? Maybe the emerging adult wants the ‘good old times’ to return. How does the young adult grapple with their perceived image of a perfect mother or a placid family life that rivals a TV sit-com? Add to that the difficult reality they are experiencing in their own life, perhaps they are considering a relationship with a partner or developing their own perceived image of themselves as a successful person. Where does the enmeshment stop and autonomy begin? How does this recovering parent deal with the anger and frustration that plays out during these episodes or the grief over the loss of their child if there should be a period of separation? How can any parent predict a ‘successful launch’ ? Can a child perceive what ‘recovery’ is for a parent?

Sounds like there will be some very interesting reading in the next few weeks. Stay tuned!

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