Author Archives: Melissa Killeen

Listen to the No Lions Here podcast with Melissa Killeen on Enmeshment with a Parent

Listen to Melissa share with Big Panda on No Lions Here podcast on enmeshment with a parent—from a parent’s perspective. Go to the podcast here: https://www.nolionshere.com/podcast/episode/205328ff/49-recovery-is-my-action-with-melissa-killeen-sod-mphil-ncprss. It is also available on YouTube, Spotify, TikTok and iTunes. 

Share
Posted in Recovery Coaching | Comments Off on Listen to the No Lions Here podcast with Melissa Killeen on Enmeshment with a Parent

What Is Sex Addiction?

If you’re a sex addict, you’re dealing with an escalating, obsessive preoccupation with sexual fantasy and behaviors. As a result, you’ve damaged your romantic relationships, career, education, friendships, finances, and other life priorities. Most likely, you use the intensity of sexual fantasy and behaviors to escape (to avoid feeling) emotional discomfort – stress, anxiety, loneliness, depression, shame, boredom, and the like.

Are you obsessively preoccupied with sex?

Have you tried and failed to cut back or quit your involvement with porn, hookup apps, strip clubs, prostitution, affairs, compulsive masturbation, voyeurism, or similar behaviors?

Are you experiencing negative consequences related to your out-of-control sex life?

If you think you or a loved one may be struggling with sex addiction, we suggest you take this anonymous 25-question screening test:

Sex and Porn Addiction Self-Test. 

This Sex and Porn Addiction Self-Test is a preliminary assessment tool. Your answers to the questions in this short quiz can help you, in conjunction with a licensed psychotherapist, identify issues that you may have with sex or porn addiction. Answer each question by circling the appropriate response- “yes” or “no” .

1. Do you feel overly distracted by, obsessed with, or preoccupied by your sexual fantasies and behavior?

 Yes

 No

2. Do you ever have trouble stopping your sexual behavior, even when you have more important things to do?

 Yes

 No

3. After having sex (with self or others), do you sometimes feel depressed or regret it?

 Yes

 No

4. Have you made promises to yourself or another person to change aspects of your sexual behavior, only to break those promises later?

 Yes

 No

5. Did you experience abuse, neglect, or other serious trauma as a child or adolescent?

 Yes

 No

6. Do you look forward to events with family and/or friends being over so you can engage in sexual behavior?

 Yes

 No

7. Do you have trouble maintaining relationships once the sexual newness and intensity has worn off?

 Yes

 No

8. Have you ever kept secrets or lied about money and/or time spent on sex, porn, affairs, and similar behavior?

 Yes

 No

9. Do you sometimes regret the amount of time you spend with porn, webcams, hookup apps, and other forms of tech-driven sexual behavior?

 Yes

 No

10. Does your sexual behavior, real-world or online, interfere with your personal goals or create negative consequences in your work, community, or academic life?

 Yes

 No

11. Have your family, friends, or partner(s) ever worried or complained about your sexual behavior?

 Yes

 No

12. Does your sexual behavior potentially offend others, violate community standards, or place you in danger of arrest?

 Yes

 No

13. Do you ever find yourself “lost” in sexual fantasies and behavior as a way of coping with stress, boredom, loneliness, or other forms of emotional discomfort?

 Yes

 No

14. Do you keep certain elements of your sexual behavior hidden from partners and/or friends?

 Yes

 No

15. Do you believe that porn use, casual sex, and similar behavior may have kept you from creating and maintaining a successful long-term intimate relationship?

 Yes

 No

16. Have you repeatedly engaged in unsafe or “risky” sex?

 Yes

 No

17. Have you had certain kinds of sex (alone or with a partner) that you later regretted?

 Yes

 No

18. Does your sexual behavior ever leave you worried about or at risk of contracting or sharing sexually transmitted diseases?

 Yes

 No

19. Do you find yourself feeling restless, irritable, or discontented when you are unable to engage in certain sexual fantasies and activities?

 Yes

 No

20. Has your involvement with porn, hookup apps, sex/dating websites, and other online sexual environments become greater than your intimate contact with romantic partners?

 Yes

 No

21. Has anyone ever been hurt by lies and secrets related to your sexual behavior?

 Yes

 No

22. Do you ever feel compelled to seek out porn, hookups, and other forms of sexual activity, online or real world, even though you are trying to stop these behaviors?

 Yes

 No

23. Has the nature and/or intensity of your sexual fantasies and behavior escalated over time?

 Yes

 No

24. Do you find that you spend more time with sexual fantasies and behavior than you would like?

 Yes

 No

25. Have you ever been approached by the police, arrested, or charged with a crime related to your sexual behavior?

 Yes

 No

Scoring-

An overwhelming percentage of positive answers is an indication you should be discussing your behavior with a therapist. A Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT after their name) or a Certified Christian Sex Addiction Specialist is trained and qualified to treat individuals with compulsive sexual disorders and trauma resulting from sexual abuse.

Perhaps you are a concerned significant other, spouse or relative of a sex addict. You also have clinical professionals trained to assist you in your healing journey. Certified Clinical Partner Specialists (CCPS after the professional’s name) or a member of the Association for Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists (APSATS) have been trained in the treatment of partners of sex addicts. When seeking a clinical professional knowledgeable in sex addiction, ask questions about the training of the psychotherapist or other helping professional. Substance addiction training does not qualify a clinical professional to treat a compulsive sexual disorder.

An affirmative answer to question #12 or #25, regarding illegal sexual behavior, is always a problem. If you answered yes to either of these questions, learn about the mandated reporting laws in your state before speaking to a professional about your challenges. Then , you should seek confidential advice from a licensed professional skilled in handling the disclosure of illegal compulsive sexual actions. Be aware that psychotherapists and other helping professionals (including clerics and lawyers) may have reporting requirements (that can vary from state to state) related to illegal sexual behaviors. Please learn about the reporting laws in your state before speaking to a professional in detail about your challenges.

If you have attempted stopping this behavior on your own but have been unsuccessful and you think you need a break and focus on more concentrated help, look into an inpatient residential program for sex addiction. The Meadows- Gentle Path, Pine Grove Behavioral Health & Addiction Services, Keystone ECU, Seeking Integrity, and Blue Tiger Recovery are inpatient residential programs with excellent reputations.

This Self-Assessment’s original version was written by Robert Weiss, PhD., and Patrick J. Carnes, PhD., in 2010. This version’s Copyright © 2018, Seeking Integrity LLC, Robert Weiss, PhD

To ask Seeking Integrity About Treatment, Call  (747) 234-HEAL (4325)

Share
Posted in Family Dynamics, internet addiction disorder, love addiction, mental health, pornography addiction, Recovery Coaching, relationships, Sex Addiction, Uncategorized | Comments Off on What Is Sex Addiction?

Recovery Contagion within the Family

By Bill White

Addiction runs in families, but far less known is the fact that recovery also runs in families. Recovery Contagion is a phenomenon have captured my attention in recent decades and been the focus of numerous articles. Recovery contagion is defined as the recovery from a disease spread by close contact.

Scientific studies are unravelling the factors that combine to elevate risk of intergenerational transmission of addiction and related problems. These mechanisms of transmission include genetic and neurobiological influences, fetal alcohol spectrum disorders, assortative mating (attraction of those exposed to parental addition to individuals who share this family history), co-occurring conditions, temperament, developmental and historical trauma, family dynamics (e.g., parental/sibling modeling and collusion), early age of alcohol and other drug (AOD) exposure, and disruption of family rituals. (See Here for review of studies). Rigorous studies have yet to be conducted on the prevalence, patterns, and mechanisms through which addiction recovery of one family member increased the probability of other addicted family members also initiating a recovery process. The purpose of this article is to offer some observations on these issues drawn from decades of observation of families impacted by and recovering from severe and persistent Alcohol or Drug misuse problems. The following suggestions should be viewed as hypotheses to be tested via scientific studies and more expansive clinical observations.

  • Innumerable patterns of recovery transmission exist within families. Recovery transmission may occur intergenerationally (e.g., parent to child) and Intragenerationally (between siblings) and reach the extended family and social network. The recovery influence may also be bi-directional, e.g., mother in recovery to addicted child, child in recovery to addicted mother). Recovery transmission, like addiction, can also skip generations.
  • The probability of recovery initiation of an addicted family member increases as the density of recovery within an addiction-affected family network increase. The contagiousness of recovery and the push and pull forces towards recovery increase exponentially as other family members initiate recovery and as overall health of the family system improves.
  • The mechanisms of recovery transmission within affected families include:

1) infusion into the family of increased knowledge about addiction and recovery by the family member(s) in recovery,

2) withdrawal of family support for active addiction,

3) truth-telling about the addicted family member’s behavior and its effects on the family, 4) elicitation of hope,

5) recovery role modeling,

6) active engagement and recovery guidance by family member(s) in recovery,

7) assertive linkage and co-participation in recovery mutual aid and other recovery support institutions,

8) assistance when needed in accessing professional treatment,

9) post-treatment monitoring and support, and

10) adjustments in family life to accommodate recovery support activities for recovering members and family as a whole.

These individual mechanisms achieve heightened power when sequenced and combined over time.

  • Recovery of a family member can spark personal reevaluations of AOD consumption of other family members, resulting in a potential decrease in AOD use and related risk behaviors, even among family members without a substance use disorder. This may constitute a hidden benefit of recovery in lowering addiction-related costs to community and society.
  • The recovery contagion effect on other family members exists even when the recovering family member isolated themselves from the family to protect his or her own recovery stability. The family’s knowledge of the reality of his or her continued recovery and its effects on their health and functioning exerts pressure towards recovery even in absence of direct contact.
  • One of the most complicated forms of recovery contagion is between intimate partners who both experience AOD problems. The recovery of one partner destabilizes the relationship and increases the probability of recovery initiation of the other; addiction recurrence in one partner increases the recurrence risk in the other partner. Recovery stability is greatest when each partner established their own recovery program in tandem with activities to support “couple recovery.”
  • Where conflict exists between a family member in recovery and a family member in active addiction (e.g., a father in recovery and an actively addicted son), the conflict can serve as an obstacle to recovery initiation of the addicted family member. Though recovery initiation may be slowed, recovery prognosis is still increased, and the conflicted relationship is often reconciled when both parties are in recovery. When not reconciled, conflict can continue to be played out via different pathways of recovery.

It is rare to escape injury to family within the addiction experience. Such injuries increase progressively within families in which multiple people are experiencing AOD-related problems. For those of us who find ourselves in such circumstances, the greatest gift we can offer our family is our own recovery.

Related Papers of Potential Interest

Evans, A. C., Lamb, R., & White, W. L. (2014). Promoting intergenerational resilience and recovery: Policy, clinical, and recovery support strategies to alter the intergenerational transmission of alcohol, drug, and related problems. Philadelphia: Department of Behavioral Health and Intellectual disAbility Services. Posted at http://www.williamwhitepapers.com/pr/2014%20Breaking%20Intergenerational%20Cycles%20of%20Addiction.pdf

Navarra, R. & White, W. (2014) Couple recovery. Posted at http://www.williamwhitepapers.com/blog/2018/03/couple-recovery-robert-navarra-psyd-lmft-mac-and-bill-white.html

White, W. & Savage, B. (2003) All in the Family: Addiction, recovery, advocacy.   Posted at http://www.williamwhitepapers.com/pr/2005AllintheFamily.pdf

White, W. (2014) Addiction recovery and intergenerational resilience Posted at http://www.williamwhitepapers.com/blog/2014/07/addiction-recovery-and-intergenerational-resilience.html

White, W. (2017). Family recovery 101. Posted at http://www.williamwhitepapers.com/blog/2017/12/family-recovery-101.html

White, W. Addiction/Recovery as a family tradition. Posted at http://www.williamwhitepapers.com/blog/2017/12/family-recovery-101.html

White, W. (2015) All in the family: Recovery resource review. http://www.williamwhitepapers.com/blog/2015/11/all-in-the-family-recovery-resource-review.html

White, W. L. & Chaney, R. A. (2008). Intergenerational patterns of resistance and recovery within families with histories of alcohol and other drug problems: What we need to know. Posted at http://www.williamwhitepapers.com/pr/2012%20Intergenerational%20Resilience%20%26%20Recovery.pdf

 White, W. L. & White. A. M. (2011).  Tips for recovering parents wishing to break intergenerational cycles of addiction. Posted at: http://www.williamwhitepapers.com/pr/Tips%20for%20Recovering%20Parents.pdf

About the author:

Bill White published this article on his web site on September 05, 2019.. Bill White is a preeminent researcher on addiction and recovery. He received a Lifetime Achievement Award from the Faces and Voices of Recovery in 2015. William L. White is an Emeritus Senior Research Consultant at Chestnut Health Systems / Lighthouse Institute and past chair of the board of Recovery Communities United. Bill has a master’s degree in Addiction Studies and has worked full time in the addictions field since 1969 as a streetworker, counselor, clinical director, researcher and well-traveled trainer and consultant. He has authored or co-authored more than 400 articles, monographs, research reports and book chapters and 20 books. His book, Slaying the Dragon – The History of Addiction Treatment and Recovery in America, received the McGovern Family Foundation Award for the best book on addiction recovery. Bill was featured in the Bill Moyers’ PBS special “Close to Home: Addiction in America” and Showtime’s documentary “Smoking, Drinking and Drugging in the 20th Century.” Bill’s sustained contributions to the field have been acknowledged by awards from the National Association of Addiction Treatment Providers, the National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence, NAADAC: The Association of Addiction Professionals, the American Society of Addiction Medicine, and the Native American Wellbriety Movement. Bill’s widely read papers on recovery advocacy have been published by the Johnson Institute in a book entitled Let’s Go Make Some History: Chronicles of the New Addiction Recovery Advocacy Movement.

His web site is: http://www.williamwhitepapers.com/

*Definition of Recovery Contagion:

The recovery from a disease spread by close contact.

Share
Posted in Recovery Coaching | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Comments Off on Recovery Contagion within the Family