This post is part two of a topic that was posted last week.
“I will never leave you.”
“You are such a brilliant woman.”
“I want to give you so much love.”
A woman can give me what I never received. Their arms around me, their caring embrace, the love that I never received because I was an orphan. I will never leave them. They will never leave me. I have an abject fear of abandonment. I think they fear abandonment, too.
They will support me, just like my sponsor in Germany and I will support them, I will fix their house, attend to the lawn, tune up the car. I will be theirs, forever. I want to be in love with a woman. My mind slips into fantasy as I troll the pages of Linked In and Facebook. I want to have the emotional attachment with a woman, the connection, and the bond. I want that maternal bond.
I know it is silly to even mention marriage one week into an on-line conversation, but I have to be honest, I really want to marry these women. I want to be attached to them. Eventually, I will have a sexual interlude, over the phone, but not often. I am not as interested in the sexual acts, it is the fantasy that I am so stimulated by. I like to be under a women’s control, I feel safe. She calls me at all times of the day. We talk for hours. I tell her the things I really want to hear. Texting is my favorite. My texts responses are pre-programmed in my cell.
“I love you.”
“Good night my sweetheart, I will dream about you.”
“When we are together I will never let you go.”
She sometimes needs convincing that she loves me too, so I weave in my business story into this ritual of seduction. She loves my accent. I tell her all about my worldly adventures and business dealings. That I have just had a great business proposition handed to me. My best friend and business partner pulled out of because he and his wife are divorcing. His lawyer advised him not to make a lot of money right now, because his wife will claim half of it. Seven days after we meet on-line, I send out the pitch, do you want to invest $30K? Can you let me borrow $20K? I mix it up, depending on how much my lover (yes we call each other lover, sweetheart, and dearest by now) can liquidate from her IRA or CD’s.
Ten days into a relationship I am either rich, or I find a new lover.
But I am also devastated. Why did she say no? I want to call her every minute of the day. I look at my cell waiting for her text to arrive. I can’t sleep. I think I must try to convince her to come back to me. Sometimes I do. If she comes back to me, I have to ask her for money again. Usually in three days I text her again.
If I receive money from her, she is elevated to queen status in my life. But often times she has expectations I cannot fulfill. I am her lover, her fantasy and she wants to meet me. She wants us to meet at a four star hotel for a tryst. Maybe spend a week on a cruise ship. I can’t leave my other women, while I cruise the Caribbean. So I have to distance myself. Eventually, I know she will abandon me, they all do. So I abandon her first.
But it breaks my heart.
It takes me weeks to recover.
So I find another.
I am a love addict.